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acacia alba View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Nov 2020 at 1:33am
  Its just bush gelati.    Lots of the liddle goomers wander across the road,,,,,no idea why.   Going to where nos why.   Try and miss them.   Hope you dont squash them.  
If they get on a post they are doing well.Thumbs Up 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Ticino Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Nov 2020 at 11:02pm
Hello,
it's the first time I post in this Forum
 
You never appreciate what you have until its gone.
Toilet paper is a good example of this. 
 
How true!! When I remember "the toilet paper crisis", during the "Lockdown" in Germany earlier this year. The first thing Germans will miss. On the other Hand, after some weeks our super market branch was delivered with some toilet tissue branded "Goldeimer" (= Golden Bucket)
 
regards, Ticino
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TJMitchell Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Dec 2020 at 2:10pm
Just did my good deed for today! I was behind an old lady at the supermarket. Her shopping came to $55.20, she only had just under $40. I thought she was probably someones Nan,  She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.
I wish I had a sig
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Carioca Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Dec 2020 at 2:41pm
What a top man ...not.LOLLOLLOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Dec 2020 at 2:12pm
An old drover walks into the barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, Northern
Territory, and asks for a shave and a haircut.  He tells the barber he
can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the
old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.  When he's
finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd
had in years but, he asked "Isn't it a bit dangerous? what would happen if
I accidentally swallowed it?

The barber replied, "No sweat mate, just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does.”
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Carioca Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Dec 2020 at 2:25pm
Love it ! LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TJMitchell Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Dec 2020 at 2:49pm
LOLClap
I wish I had a sig
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Sister Dot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Dec 2020 at 1:19pm
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sister Dot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Dec 2020 at 1:22pm
Originally posted by TJMitchell TJMitchell wrote:

Just did my good deed for today! I was behind an old lady at the supermarket. Her shopping came to $55.20, she only had just under $40. I thought she was probably someones Nan,  She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

You caught me good with that one LOL
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Dec 2020 at 2:15pm
Not really jokes but pretty funny I thought Smile

These are the shocking true stories of the unfortunate people who died while having sex.

The tragic stories highlight a dangerous side to everyone’s favorite pastime, so remembero take care next time you get down and dirty.

Crushed by porn

One man recently met a sticky end after being crushed by a mountain of pornographic magazines.

The Japanese man, named as 50-year-old Joji, was found six months after his 13,000-pound stash of porn magazines fell on him.Cleaners tasked with tidying up his neglected apartment found that the entire apartment was crammed with the explicit magazines.

It is unknown whether the man, a former car manufacturer, had died from a heart attack and then fell into a stack of pornography, or whether he was crushed to death by his X-rated collection.

Plunge of passion

In 2007, a couple from Columbia, South Carolina, fell to their deaths after plunging naked from the roof of an office building.

The bodies of Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston, both 21, were found by a taxi driver in the middle of an otherwise empty street at 5 am.

The couple’s clothes were later found on the roof of a nearby building, where they were believed to have been having a risky outdoor romp before falling from the roof.

Half-day orgy ends in tragedy

A Russian man died in 2009 after completing a 12-hour orgy with female pals, who had bet him over $4,000 that he couldn’t keep going for half a day.

Minutes after completing the bet, mechanic Sergey Tuganov died of a heart attack, which had been caused by the huge quantity of Viagra he had guzzled to prepare him for the task.

Eaten by a lion after romping in the wild

In 2013, a Zimbabwean news website reported that a couple was attacked by a lion after having sex in nature.

The big cat killed Sharai Mawera after interrupting the couple, although her unidentified lover managed to run away before he could be killed.

After notifying the police, the male lover, who escaped wearing only a condom, found the woman’s mauled body at the scene of the attack.

Smothered to death by lover’s breasts

Donna Lange, 51, smothered her lover to death inside a mobile home.

The intoxicated woman, from Washington, claimed she didn’t know how the man died, although a witness claimed to have seen her crush his face with her chest.

Sperm bank heart attack

A trainee doctor, Zheng Gang, died of a heart attack in 2011 – after over-exerting himself whilst producing a sample at a sperm bank.

The 23-year-old was pronounced dead at the scene of China’s Wuhan University, where he had spent two hours inside a booth, having already visited four times that week.

Policeman bites the dust during a threesome

A cop died in 2009 when his heart gave out during a threesome – and his wife sued his doctor for not warning him to not have sex.

William Martinez, a 31-year-old Atlanta police officer, died whilst having sex with another woman and a male friend.But his wife won $3 million after suing his doctor for not warning him that he had a weak heart, and should avoid strenuous activities. 

Death by neo-Nazi roleplay

A sick neo-Nazi roleplaying session ended in tragedy after 38-year-old Simon Burley died when a sex game with lover Elizabeth Hallam went wrong.

The hanging-enthusiast had a noose fitted around his neck whilst his lover played the part of a Nazi executioner, who hanged him as part of a sex game they were playing.

Unfortunately, the knife she planned to cut him down with was blunt, and the man was left to suffocate to death at his house in England.




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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sister Dot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Dec 2020 at 8:18am
My game was much safer ????
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sister Dot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Dec 2020 at 8:19am
WinkLOLLOL
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Dec 2020 at 10:25am
*A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job.*

*The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"*

*He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.”*

*"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?”*

*"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour.”*

*The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment.” Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?”*

*The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."*

*The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay, you've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every
day.”*

*The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?”*

*"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that."*
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Dec 2020 at 10:37am

*"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that."*
[/QUOTE]

You would easily qualify for a job then Smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Dec 2020 at 12:04pm
I know what I am talking about, so thank you for your confidence vote Thumbs Up  My last 29 years of working was in a Govnt job.   Having never started life with balls, I didnt fit that criteria, but I am sure you would have.Smile
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TJMitchell Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 2020 at 2:30pm
There are 2 types of people in the morning


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 2020 at 8:39pm
I am the brown dog.Thumbs Up
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 2020 at 8:41pm
After Christmas a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holidays away from school. One child wrote the following.

We always used to spend our holidays with grandma and grandpa . They
used to live in a big brick house but grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses and so
they don't have to mow the grass any more. They ride around on their
bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who
they are anymore. they go to a building called a wreck center but they
must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises
there, but they don't do them very well. there is a swimming pool too
but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. at their gate there is
a dolls house with a little old man sitting in it, he watches all day so
nobody can escape. sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their
golf carts. nobody there cooks, they just eat out they eat the same
thing every night (earlybirds). some of the people can't get out past
the man in the dolls house. the ones who get out bring food back to the
wrecked center for pot luck. my grandma says that grandpa worked all his
life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be
retarded some day too. when I earn my retardment , I want to be the man
in the dolls house  then I will let people out, so they can visit their
grandchildren.

Priceless. I am sending this to all my retarded friends.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote max manewer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 2020 at 8:44pm
I have often wondered about that morning person/evening person thing, I think it has something to do with the difference between the way people react to their circadian rhythm. It reaches its lowest point around 3-4 AM.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 2020 at 10:08pm
Dunno about rhythms but I dont do mornings.   Cry  One of the reasons I never went as a strapper /work rider with race horses. 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 2020 at 11:11pm
Two Irishmen were working for Dundee City Council public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the
hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down  the other, then moved on
to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging
a hole, the other filling it in again.



An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing.  So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort
you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it --
why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow  behind and fill it
up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.  But today the lad
who plants the trees called in sick.'
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Dec 2020 at 12:06am
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Perth and the
other to Nambrok They agree to meet every ten years in Sydney to play golf
and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again?  Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have
senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."
“Okay, let’s give it a try."
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Dec 2020 at 11:40am

To: ;
Subject: Fw: Golfing friend needs help....

 

 

A friend of mine has acquired two tickets for the final round of the 2021 US Masters. He paid $7,500 each and he was dead lucky to get them.

But he didn't realize when he bought them that it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. So he's now looking for someone to take his place if you're interested.

 

If you are interested.....It's at the Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm on Masters Day. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'5", about

65 kgs, has a good job and she's a pretty fair cook.....She'll be the one in the white dress. 

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Jan 2021 at 9:06pm


Onions and Christmas Trees

  

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

 

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

 

'Onions?'

 

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,'Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?.

 

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.  In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.  After his
50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

 

'A Christmas tree?'

 

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.

 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote max manewer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Jan 2021 at 9:23pm
Such crudity ! Fairly accurate, though. Embarrassed
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Jan 2021 at 10:36pm
Sorry Max.   Cry
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Jan 2021 at 10:01am
Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months, the therapist became frustrated and gave up. He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was  immediately fired.
Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand.
What about the pickle slicer?"
Mickey replied, "She got fired, too."
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jan 2021 at 10:12pm
Politics explained ... simple terms ... very insightful

 


A Russian Jew was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel.  At the Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"


The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."

The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.


At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?"

He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."

The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologize, Sir, you are cleared to go"


Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner.

One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"

He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this?  This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."


MORAL: Politics is when you can tell the same thing in different ways to fool a different audience, to allow you to look good in every way.



 
animals before people.
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