Jokes

acacia alba wrote:

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget healthy food... I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Number three had me laughing for a good five minutes...

Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around, and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began
putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place, he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, �You were drunk
again last night, weren�t you?� Paddy said, �Why would you say such a mean
thing?

�Well,� Kathleen said, �it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly,
it�s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

animals before people.

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!�

Passenger: "Who?�

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.�

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody.�

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.�

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.�

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.�

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then.�

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.�

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?�

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."

“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”

*A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head
with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied* *,*
 *'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found
in your pants pocket'.The man then said 'When I was at the races last week*
*,* *Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on**.**' The wife apologized and
went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when
his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking
him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had
hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' *

animals before people.