Jokes

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field
standing alone, while all the the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'Are you OK?' she
says.

'Yes.' he says.

You can go and play with the other kids you know.' She says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because I'm the goalie.'

.

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband.
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

'18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

'Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'

A big fat slapper walks up to the counter of a shop with 3 kids trailing behind her.. a 10 y.o chinese looking boy, a 16 y.o half caste negro and a 3 y.o of indian descent. The shop keeper asks "triplets ?"
The fat hump looks at the kids and asks why on earth would you think that ???
The shopkeeper replies I just can't believe you'd get 3 phucks in a lifetime

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

A teacher was teaching her English class when she asked for a word from the Dictionary... All the class put their hands up, but the teacher chose Jenny, the teachers pet...

BRAVE MAN JOKES.....    How do you turn a chick into an elephant? > Marry It! > > What is the difference between a battery and a woman? > A battery has a positive side. > > What are the three fastest means of communication? > 1) Internet > 2) Telephone > 3) Telawoman > > How are fat girls and mopeds alike? > They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. > > How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist?? > Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from. > > How is a woman like a condom? > Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. > > What should you give a woman who has everything? > A man to show her how to work it. > > Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist? > Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there. > > How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? > Put a nipple on it. > > Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? > Because they don't have balls to scratch. > > Why did God create woman ? > To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. > > Why do women fake orgasms ? > Because they think men care. > > What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? > Nothing, she's been told twice already. > > If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? > Made her chain too long > > How many men does it take to open a beer? > None. It should be opened when she brings it. > > Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? > Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. > > Why do women have smaller feet than men? > It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. > > How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? > When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' > > How do you fix a woman's watch? > You don't. There is a clock on the oven. > > Why do men pass gas more than women? > Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. > > If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? > The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. > > What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? > A woman who won't do what she's told > > I married a Miss Right. > I just didn't know her first name was Always. > > Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive > by 90%. > It's called a Wedding Cake. > > Why do men die before their wives? > They want to. > > Women will never be equal to men... > until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. > > In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. > Then God created Man and rested. > Then God created Woman. > Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f%#*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

No more Butter
>
> Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and
> found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
>
> Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
> buttercup in the patch.
>
> All of a sudden ... P O O F!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
> appeared.
>
> She said, 'I´m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
> buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won´t have any butter for
>
> your popcorn for the rest of your life.'
>
> 'Better still, you won´t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
>
> life. ... As a matter of fact, you´ll never have any butter for anything for
>
> the rest of your life!!!!!'
>
> Then P OOF! .. she was gone!
>
> After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Henry,
> where are you?'
>
> Henry yells back 'I´m over here in the pussy willows.'
>
> Larry shouts back, 'DON´T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON´T SWING!'
>
>

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy
-------------------------------------------------
A car gets a flat on the interstate one
day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the
shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds
them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench
coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching
drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes
snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car
arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the
woman calmly.

'Well, what the heck are these obscene
cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blond.
'Those are my emergency flashers!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Men are just happier
> >
> >
> > NICKNAMES
> >
> > If Laura, Karen and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
> > Laura, Karen and Sarah.
> > If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
> > other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
> >
> > EATING OUT
> >
> > When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Dan will each throw in $20, even
> > though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
> > and none will actually admit they want change back.
> > When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
> >
> > MONEY
> >
> > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> > sale.
> >
> > BATHROOMS
> >
> > A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
> > shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
> > The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> > man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
> >
> > ARGUMENTS
> >
> > A woman has the last word in any argument.
> > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> >
> > FUTURE
> >
> > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> >
> > SUCCESS
> >
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >
> > MARRIAGE
> >
> > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
> >
> > DRESSING UP
> >
> > A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
> > trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> > A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
> >
> > NATURAL
> >
> > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> > Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> >
> > OFFSPRING
> >
> > Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> > dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
> > secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> > A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
> >
> > THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> > A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
> > people remembering the same thing!

THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF


A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of  women are hitting from the ladies' tees.  The ladies are taking their time.  When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.  She goes over and whiffs it completely.  Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.  She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck. !!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST, THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, “I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT.” 
HE REPLIES, “YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!” 

WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, “WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY?” 
HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, “YOUR F***IN’ SENSE OF HUMOUR!”

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.    However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get 'em. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted. COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW YAH HEAR ME !!!'

A guy walks into the Centrelink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. The worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!" The Centrelink worker said, "Yeah, well you started it."

A man with a gun walks into a bank and demanded their money.Once he was given the money,he turned to a customer and asked,"Did you see me rob this bank"?The woman replied,"Yes sir,I did" The robber then shot her in the temple,killing her instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and ask the man,"Did you see me rob this bank"The man replied,"No sir,I didn't but my wife did"

Larry gets home late one night and wife Linda says where have you been,Larry says getting a tattoo.
A tattoo she said,what kind of tattoo did you get?
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates.
Why on earth would a accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?
Well one I like watching my money grow.2 once in a while I like to play with my money.3 I like how money feels in my hand.And lastly,instead of you going out shopping,you can stay at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

A guy comes home late one night with lipstick on his collar.

His wife freaks out and demands an explanation of how it got there, "I had to wipe my di*k on something" he explained.