Jokes

Subject: The psychiatrist

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.

"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV."

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude, he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie.”

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Gosford."

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say: "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck...”