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maccamax Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473	Post Options Post Reply Quote maccamax Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 20 Mar 2022 at 11:12pm
	faied oneone ... But go to Rusty or Afros's posts and you will get a laugh.

TJMitchell Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 29 Jun 2014 Location: Melbourne Status: Offline Points: 16915	Post Options Post Reply Quote TJMitchell Report Post Thanks(2) Quote Reply Posted: 22 Apr 2022 at 9:23pm
	Thought I saw my mates name on a loaf of bread the other day. Turns out it said 'Thick Cut'
	Time is a flat circle

Sister Dot Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4919	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sister Dot Report Post Thanks(4) Quote Reply Posted: 23 Apr 2022 at 12:30am

	“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(3) Quote Reply Posted: 24 Apr 2022 at 6:51pm
	The Tragedy...Meghan Markle was visiting a primary school and visited one of the class rooms. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Meghan if she would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the the attention seeking soap star asked the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stood up and said: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". No," said Meghan, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Meghan "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent, no other children volunteered. Meghan searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and your husband was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic!" exclaimed Meghan. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said Johnny "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident either....
	animals before people.

Second Chance Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Status: Offline Points: 45686	Post Options Post Reply Quote Second Chance Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 Apr 2022 at 8:15pm
	Am sure someone will find that the least bit humorous.

TJMitchell Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 29 Jun 2014 Location: Melbourne Status: Offline Points: 16915	Post Options Post Reply Quote TJMitchell Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 24 Apr 2022 at 8:16pm

	Time is a flat circle

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 25 Apr 2022 at 12:36am
	No doubt, SC.
	animals before people.

Sister Dot Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4919	Post Options Post Reply Quote Sister Dot Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 25 Apr 2022 at 1:20am
	😂😂😂
	“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 25 Apr 2022 at 2:43pm
	To be honest I dont mind Harry. He served with distinction and what he has done with the Invictus Games is outstanding. His work in Africa counts too. But Megs ,,,,well, what can one say. I just hope she doesnt string him out to dry once she manages to alienate him from his family and make him appear stupid.
	animals before people.

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(2) Quote Reply Posted: 27 Apr 2022 at 1:36pm
	A dog lover, whose dog was a female and ‘on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection, and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked on me," he replied.
	animals before people.

PhillipC Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 03 Jan 2014 Location: Warragul Status: Offline Points: 685	Post Options Post Reply Quote PhillipC Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 Apr 2022 at 12:53am
	Gold AA :-)

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 28 Apr 2022 at 2:40am
	Thanks Phil
	animals before people.

PhillipC Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 03 Jan 2014 Location: Warragul Status: Offline Points: 685	Post Options Post Reply Quote PhillipC Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 29 Apr 2022 at 12:15pm
	Irish Altzheimers - Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said: “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?” Murphy said: “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat”. The priest said: “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?” Murphy replied: “Well after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all”. With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said: “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?” Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat”!

GAJ Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 13 Apr 2011 Location: Alstonville,NSW Status: Offline Points: 4410	Post Options Post Reply Quote GAJ Report Post Thanks(2) Quote Reply Posted: 23 May 2022 at 3:51pm
	*LOVE THE IRISH* Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."

Gay3 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 51987	Post Options Post Reply Quote Gay3 Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 23 May 2022 at 4:15pm
	Brilliant GAJ! My kinda joke - short & sweet
	Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 25 May 2022 at 10:17pm
	TRAVEL BROCHURE A travel agent at my conference last week was given this brochure by a Beijing hotel. It has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English using an online translator. This demonstrates why it's important to always hire professional translators. Here's is some of the sales script in the brochure - GETTING THERE Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. THE HOTEL This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. THE RESTAURANT Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. YOUR ROOM Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. YOUR BED Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid and take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. ABOVE ALL: When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.
	animals before people.

jujuno Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36393	Post Options Post Reply Quote jujuno Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26 May 2022 at 1:01am
	all good laughs. I especially loved the Grandpa and Grandma viagra joke.
	Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...

GAJ Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 13 Apr 2011 Location: Alstonville,NSW Status: Offline Points: 4410	Post Options Post Reply Quote GAJ Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26 May 2022 at 1:06pm
	So very funny AA, had a good belly laugh! I remember a site called engrish.com I think, lots of stuff like that..

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(2) Quote Reply Posted: 15 Jun 2022 at 12:34am
	A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. .. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: *(1) Not everyone who gelatis on you is your enemy.* *(2) Not everyone who gets you out of gelati is your friend.* *(3) And when you're in deep gelati, it's best to keep your mouth shut!*
	animals before people.

TJMitchell Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 29 Jun 2014 Location: Melbourne Status: Offline Points: 16915	Post Options Post Reply Quote TJMitchell Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 30 Jun 2022 at 4:50pm
	Guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed? Everyone.
	Time is a flat circle

PhillipC Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 03 Jan 2014 Location: Warragul Status: Offline Points: 685	Post Options Post Reply Quote PhillipC Report Post Thanks(1) Quote Reply Posted: 30 Jun 2022 at 10:51pm
	An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting” Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck” Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed. “Where are you going?” she asked. “To get my teeth!”

jujuno Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36393	Post Options Post Reply Quote jujuno Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01 Jul 2022 at 7:49pm
	keep 'em coming.
	Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...

PhillipC Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 03 Jan 2014 Location: Warragul Status: Offline Points: 685	Post Options Post Reply Quote PhillipC Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01 Jul 2022 at 10:30pm
	When a woman called 000 complaining of difficulty breathing, her brother, Glenn, and his partner—both paramedics—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. “What’s your age?” he asked. “58,” answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. “What does that do?” “It’s a lie detector,” said Glenn with a straight face. “Now, what did you say your age was?” “67,” answered the woman sheepishly.

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(3) Quote Reply Posted: 02 Jul 2022 at 2:26pm
	VASELINE SURVEY A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing a survey for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.” “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?” The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob. It keeps the kids out.”
	animals before people.

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 03 Jul 2022 at 10:50pm
	Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd. Which of the following names are you familiar with? 1. Monica Lewinsky 2. Spiro Agnew 3. Benito Mussolini 4. Adolf Hitler 5. Jorge Bergoglio 6. Alfonse Capone 7. Vladimir Putin 8. Linda Lovelace 9. Saddam Hussein 10. Tiger Woods 11. Hilary Clinton 12. Nancy Pelosi Scroll down You had trouble with #5, didn't you? You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts, and cheaters, But you don't know the Pope?? Lovely, just lovely !
	animals before people.

PhillipC Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 03 Jan 2014 Location: Warragul Status: Offline Points: 685	Post Options Post Reply Quote PhillipC Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 04 Jul 2022 at 10:09pm
	"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to Little Johnny. "It ain't my fault." Miss Crabtree, "You can blame this on my Dad for being three hours late?” Now Miss Crabtree had taught school for thirty years. So she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, Little Johnny and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, at the farm we got this wiley fox and the last few nights he’s ate six hens and killed Mums best milk goat. And last night when Dad heard a noise out in the chook house, he grabbed his gun and said to Mum, "That fox is back again, I'm a gonna get him! Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!" He was naked as a jaybird, except for his boots! To the chook house he crawled. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with foxes on his mind, our old blue cattle dog come sneaking up behind. Then we all looked on helplessly as Dad was cold-nosed without warning. "Miss Crabtree, we been plucking chooks since three o'clock this morning!"

acacia alba Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41428	Post Options Post Reply Quote acacia alba Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 04 Jul 2022 at 10:23pm
	Good one.
	animals before people.

jujuno Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36393	Post Options Post Reply Quote jujuno Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 05 Jul 2022 at 12:45am
	I like your jokes, Acacia. Nothing better than a good laugh.
	Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...

PhillipC Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 03 Jan 2014 Location: Warragul Status: Offline Points: 685	Post Options Post Reply Quote PhillipC Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 06 Jul 2022 at 10:17am
	An Irish builder employed a young apprentice. His first job was to nail weatherboards onto a shed. The builder showed him how to align, support and nail the board, then turned away to start another job. A half hour later, he returned to see how the apprentice was doing. Some progress had been made but the builder watched as the young man reached into his nail bag, drew out a nail, threw it over his shoulder, reached in again and drove the next nail. This happened a number of times. The builder, bemused, approached the apprentice. “What are you doing, throwing away perfectly good nails like that?” he asked. “Some of them are no good, you see. They have the points on the wrong end,” came the reply. “No, no, NO, lad! You keep them for the other side of the building!”

oneonesit Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Champion Joined: 06 Aug 2012 Status: Offline Points: 37101	Post Options Post Reply Quote oneonesit Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 06 Jul 2022 at 5:53pm
	Had a nice young kid knock on my door asking for a small donation to the local swimming pool. I gave him a big glass of water !
	Refer ALP Election Promises

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