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Jokes

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TJMitchell View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TJMitchell Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Jul 2020 at 3:24pm
Dan Andrews
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acacia alba View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jul 2020 at 12:05am
No 2.
How long is this social distancing supposed to last ???
My husband keeps trying to come into the house. 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jul 2020 at 12:07am
No 3.
Is it too early to put up the Christmas Tree yet ??  I have run out of things to do.  
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jul 2020 at 1:05pm
Week 4 of social distancing.
Struck up a conversation with a spider today.  Seems nice.  He is a web designer.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jul 2020 at 4:23pm
If these last few weeks have taught us anything, its that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jul 2020 at 4:25pm
So what I am being told is my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sister Dot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2020 at 11:36am
Remind you of anyone we’ve seen lately?
LOL
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote max manewer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2020 at 11:42am
You mean those desperately unattractive quarantine dodgers, Sis ?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sister Dot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2020 at 12:06pm
 ?? Haha, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it ??
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sister Dot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2020 at 12:07pm
Laughing faces, gotta try to remember about the ???’s
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Baghdad Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2020 at 12:31pm
To those of us with long enough memories Allan Marshall wrote a book "I Can Jump Puddles", some years later a companion book "I Can Hump Poodles" was published for corgi owners.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2020 at 12:36pm
The chook,s bum is prettier than those clueless and trashy girls, Sis.  And I bet the chook is much smarter than that pair as well. 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2020 at 12:39pm
Having some states lock down, and some states not lock down, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2020 at 4:44pm
That is so funny AA ... clever .
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2020 at 11:58pm
People are scared of getting fined for congregating in crowds.  As if catching a deadly disease and dying a horrible death wasnt enough of a deterrent.  
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2020 at 11:59pm
Another Sat night in the house and I just realised even the trash goes out more than me.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Carioca Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2020 at 12:37am
Good one AA, I liked it.LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2020 at 1:46am
People start coughing and worry they have the coronvirus.
I cough and just pray I dont pee myself.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2020 at 1:54am
Morning tired.
Afternoon dying for a rest.
Night cant sleep.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote VSP. Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2020 at 3:16am

A local police station received this question from a resident through the feedback section of a local Police website:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

In response, a Sergeant posted this reply:

First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In the rural area we average one officer for every 505 people. Only about 60 per cent of those police are on general duty where we do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing units that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60 per cent of general duties are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So, roughly, one police officer is responsible for harassing about 6000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial business and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single officer is responsible for harassing 15,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average eight-hour shift runs 28,800 seconds long. This gives a cop two-thirds of a second to harass a person, and then only another third of a second to drink an iced coffee AND then find a new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most police are not up to the challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people we can realistically harass.

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or drivers with no licences and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant on file.

LAWS: When we don't have phone or cars, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "statutes". These include the Crimes Act, Summary Offences Act, Land Transport Act and a whole bunch of others... They spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the law, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, the book says that’s not allowed. That meant I had permission to harass this guy.

It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well. We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because, for the good citizens who pay the tab, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Next time you are in the area, give me the old "single finger wave". That's another one of those codes. It means, "You can harass me." It's one of our favourites.

Courtesy of Toowoomba.com.au

www.snowshoecats.webs.com
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote max manewer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2020 at 11:04am
Sounds like a cop who keeps seeing the same group of people doing the offending, repeatedly.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2020 at 1:11am
Did a BIG load of pyjamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.  
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2020 at 1:12am
Silly you !  You thought dogs were hard to train.   Just look at how many humans dont understand sit and stay.  
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Aug 2020 at 12:10pm
I want to be like a caterpillar.
Eat a lot.
Sleep for awhile.
Wake up beautiful.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Aug 2020 at 12:12pm
I got called pretty today.
Well, actually the whole statement was " you are  pretty annoying " , but I only focus on the positive things.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Carioca Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Aug 2020 at 12:44pm
Originally posted by acacia alba acacia alba wrote:

I want to be like a caterpillar.
Eat a lot.
Sleep for awhile.
Wake up beautiful.
One caterpillar to another, " who did ya screw to get That fur coat?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Aug 2020 at 1:06pm

Could use a fur coat right now.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Baghdad Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Aug 2020 at 2:18pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Aug 2020 at 1:22am
If these last few weeks have taught us any thing,,,,its that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Aug 2020 at 1:27am
So wait a sec, what you are telling me is my chance of surviving this is directly linked to common sense of others.  
animals before people.
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