Dementia

Mum had dementia.  We had never had any experience with it , and it came on slowly, so we were slow to twig what was happening.   To tell you the entire dramas we went thru would take me all night.  She was alone in her own home in Sydney and we are up the valley. 2.30 to 3 hour drive.  My cousins did a top job trying their best with her and we would go down every Friday afternoon and home Sunday for the last year she was at home.   But it all came to a head when she locked herself outside one night and scratched herself to bits clambering around in rose bushes.  In the end we had to get an ACAT mob in and they assessed her and she went to a dementia specific ward at Auburn Hospital for 2 months while they did more assessments, and tried different meds to see if anything helped. In the end my cousin sourced homes and he and I went round looking at them.  OMG.  OMG.  Some of them you would not put your worst enemy in.

Anyway, because she had never signed a power of attorney before she lost the plot, we all had to go before the Guardianship Tribunal.  I have heard some horror tales about them but all I can say is, they were wonderful to us. Spoke to Mum so kindly.  Listened to us. Made my cousin and I joint guardians.

In the end we found a dementia specific home at Parramatta.  It was church run but cant remember which church. Not religious tho.  Only about 30 residents and ,,as far as homes go,,a really good , kind, caring place. 

Mum only lived 12 months after she went in.  She went very quickly due to a tumour on her liver ( never drank in her life ) that we opted not to have surgery for and the Drs agreed.

You just cant leave them alone by themselves in their home.  Either get carers in if the family can afford it, or get him assessed and search for a home. 

Mum set the kitchen cupboards on fire. Lucky her and the house didnt go up.  Its too dangerous for them. Especially now.  This was approx 24/5 years ago and she used to sit on the front steps , and neighbours were worried about the various people who used to stop and talk to her.  Heaven knows what might happen now.

Start looking for a home sooner than later as it takes ages to find a decent one,,or get his name on a list.  If you get ACAT in they can assist with lists of places to look.

Not sure what to tell you,,,,but You can always PM me if you prefer to keep it private.

Its horrible and devastating. 

As TJ says.  Its 24/7 one on one care once they deteriorate.  I couldnt do it.  I was never cut out to be a nurse.  I cant handle sick people at all.  And Mum became a full on care package.  I didnt have it in me, much to my shame, to change nappies etc.  What made it worse for me , was my Mum was always a nurse type person caring for others, and I couldnt do it for her. She nursed her Mum, who lived with us for years and died at 94.  She nursed my Dad thru cancer, and her sister thru heart attacks.

She was a tough old bushie lived thru the depression etc.   To see her like that cracked me up.

But , not knowing exactly your and his circumstances, you have to get care for him. 

He cant stay home alone any more.  And unless you can be there 24/7, he cant move in with you.

Get an ACAT assessment and rely on them to point you in the right direction. 

But dont leave him home alone.   There in lies disaster.

Slightly different - but similar decision making. My mum died horrifically from Bowell cancer across a 2 year period. Quickly travelled to her brain which made her confused / not with it - to the point it didn't seem she recognized anyone. Dad committed to keeping her at home until she eventually passed. Extremely tough on him - physically & mentally. For his sake we (kids) tried to have mum put into a palliative care residence. He wouldn't even entertain the idea. 

When all was said & done - Dad lived another 13 years of quality life (punted his arse off  - real character)

He looked back on his efforts to keep mum at home over those few years very proudly.

They can all remember things that were important to them 50/60 years ago.  Parents. Siblings. Home. School friends.  But cant remember 5 mins ago.  Thats part of it, and as mean as it is to say it, it drives you nuts.

Mum didnt know who I was the last few months.  But she clearly knew my OH.  She preferred talking to him and ignored me. ( Prolly because he was a very patient person with her, and I wasnt so good.  ).

She just talked about her Dad, who she adored, and the tiny country village she grew up in out west.. Over and over ,,,,,day after day.  Hour after hour.  Thats part of it Stayer.  You just have to tune out, and nod or mumble every so often.  Its all you can do, really.

I hope things are OK with your Mum ?  Surely she cant go back to looking after him now ?

Ask his GP to arrange for ACAT and go from there.  My Mum was adamant she could live alone so they ttook her home with a lady with her , and after being there one day they took her back to care.

Its a hard thing and you feel so mean and guilty, but what can you do ? They cant stay alone and even if you brought him to live with you, you still cant be there 24/7 and as soon as your back is turned things go wrong.

Its a terrible thing , this dementia/alzheimers .

Yesterday, my mother called me in a panic....

She, wanted to go the bank (IMMEDIATELY!) because she thought she lost her CreditUnionBankBook and some other papers and a couple of hundred$ when paying the bills last Friday. Yes, still pays them and it must be in cash. Ok, Fair enuff...

It was  P A N I C.

I had to talk to her in a calming fashion. Like,  "It's going to be alright. You have your EFTPOS card. Right?, "Yes".  OK. So all is not lost. We'll talk at the bank. Relax..."

"It could be in the car....", she sez.  Since I'm using her car every once in a while I was told immediately to go and start looking for it...

Like its in the dimly lighted carpark and I cannot see sh*t.

Called her and said I'll bring the car over in 1 hour and we'll go to the bank...

I bring the car over to her place and she's all flustered. She starts going through the car. All the places which I would never consider. Of course she finds it hidden in some special cavity.

Another blood pressure raising experience lived thru. Waiting for the next one.

She saved this money and now she's having trouble controlling it! Let's not start discussing about who deserves what!

Get the P O A done ASAP Brudder.  We, ( well, Mum, ) dithered too long, worried that we ( me ) might spend all ( her little savings ) her money, and by the time she agreed she was too far along for anyone to accept her signing anything, so off to the guardianship tribunal. 

Like JJ said.  For a year we went to Sydney each weekend and spent time with her in the home. Home Sunday night and it would take me  until Tuesday to settle down and come out of stress mode, then Thursday I would start working myself up again for Fri or Sat at the home.  Guilt partly I know. But seeing her like that was terrible.

If I could have done for her what I had to do for the old cat, I would have.

Peoople who have never been thru it think you are so bad to say that, but OMG, it was devastating to see her like that, and I know she never wanted to end her days in that state.

For example, i am becoming more restricted as the years progress. Cant do many of the things i used to do when younger. Also have the aches / pains / bumps that come with all that. So you adjust. I would think this "adjusting" process continues - so that line of giving up life altogether would be very blurred i suspect.

Would also be the case - maybe even more so - for those that care for you. Like family.

Spell “world” backward.

aa: the two documents have been signed. There are a couple of other nuances that need to be worked out. In particular the plot of land at the cemetery where she wants to be laid. Also she has given my sister living rights in the house where she currently live and also when she has passed away. But that needs to be clearly written and amended as part of the will and that there is no contest amongst the siblings who may want to sell the next day after RIP.

Looking down this barrel ...   And wandering if sanity will last.

 Hmmm. Seen that contested a few times. 

Ask because a long term friend now has dementia and is in care.  Due to the tyranny of distance last spent time with him about 9 years ago and his mind was spot on. He'd never ever been a drinker and wasn't at all seriously overweight.

Then a divorce when in his late 60's which couldn't have gone real well, as I'm told that just five short years later he'd become a chronic alcoholic Type 2 diabetes person with Alzheimer's disease which soon degenerated into dementia.

Any comments welcome.