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Forum Name: General
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URL: https://forum.thoroughbredvillage.com.au/forum_posts.asp?TID=8938
Printed Date: 29 Mar 2024 at 7:07am
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Topic: Jokes
Posted By: benny
Subject: Jokes
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 6:30am
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.

They hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.' Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.' Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park...........'

Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit,
Norman says 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'
_________________
 

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons.
She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
_________________
 
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great, tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean "more"?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Priceline and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
_________________
 
 



Replies:
Posted By: paulandba
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 7:46am
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as
Promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
'If I catch you, your arse is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week!!


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 6:25pm
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an
Aussie
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front
of
them.   

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've
never
seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic
priest
said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group
ahead
of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so
we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.The Catholic priest said, 'That's so
sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor
said,
'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'





Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 6:27pm
A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field
standing alone, while all the the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'Are you OK?' she
says.

'Yes.' he says.

You can go and play with the other kids you know.' She says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because I'm the goalie.'

.



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 6:30pm
A couple were watching the DISCOVERY Channel about an African "bush" tribe whose men all had 24 inch penises.
When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around the penis, and a weight attached. After a while the penis stretches to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband got out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said : "How about we try the African string, and weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband:" How is our little "tribal experiment" coming along ? "
"Well, it looks like we're about halfway there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No - it's turned black !"




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 6:31pm
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband.
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

'18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

'Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 6:35pm
A jackeroo in Australia was out checking farm fences in his ute when he hit something. He radioed the homestead for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's
kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the ute there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later the jackeroo called in again, "I did what you said, "Boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on."

"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?"

"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under
the wheel-arch."





Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 9:51pm
A big fat slapper walks up to the counter of a shop with 3 kids trailing behind her.. a 10 y.o chinese looking boy, a 16 y.o half caste negro and a 3 y.o of indian descent. The shop keeper asks "triplets ?"
The fat hump looks at the kids and asks why on earth would you think that ???
The shopkeeper replies I just can't believe you'd get 3 phucks in a lifetime


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 9:54pm
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said,
so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,'Do you shave?'
'No', replied the girl. 'Ive just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?' 'Yes', he said. 'But why did you have to show her yours?'

'Why not?'she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the f***ing darts team hadn't'!



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 10:00pm
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


Posted By: Relampago
Date Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 10:01pm
Three practising nuns were riding their bikes out the front of the orphanage one day when the head nun order them to come inside...
 
"just 5 more minutes" they pleaded... So she agreed.
 
She came out in 5 mins and again ordered them indside...
 
"just 2 more minutes" they pleeded... So she agrees.
 
She came out in 2 mins and again ordered them inside...
 
"justy one more minute" they pleeded... With that she replied:
 
"If you lot don't come back inside now, I'll be forced to put the seats back on your bikes!!!"


-------------
Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009!
Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009!


Posted By: Relampago
Date Posted: 25 Jun 2008 at 12:07am
A teacher was teaching her English class when she asked for a word from the Dictionary... All the class put their hands up, but the teacher chose Jenny, the teachers pet...
 
"Whats your word Jenny" she said... "Beautiful, miss" Jenny replied...
 
"Can you put that into a sentence Jenny"..."your a beautiful teacher miss" she said to score more browny points...
 
Then little Johnny started laughing up the back... "Well Johnny, do you have a word for us?"... "Urinate" he replied... Taking a breathe she asked "Well can you put that into a sentence for us all Johnny??"...
 
"Well, My Dad says Urinate (Your-An-Eight), but if you had bigger tits youd be a ten!"
*****************************************
 
Later that day the teacher went to the front of the classroom and asked...
 
"Class, I have something thats Orange and round behind my back, what is it?" Again the class all went up as one, and again she chose Jenny... "Its an Orange miss" to which she replied "Good Girl Jenny, Now I have something thats Red and round behind my back, what is it?" The whole class went up but again she chose Jenny... "Its an Apple miss"..."Ohh, no Jenny its a Cricket Ball, but its nice to see your using your imagination!"
 
Again some snickering came from down the back, again it was Johnny...
"Johnny" She screamed... "Yes Miss, I have one for you... Its one inch long and red at the end..."
 
"Johnny, You dirty little boy..." She replied...
 
"No Miss, Its a match-stick, but its nice to see your using your imagination!!!"


-------------
Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009!
Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009!


Posted By: Relampago
Date Posted: 25 Jun 2008 at 12:45am
The teacher was teaching her class again... She left the room to get something from another class-room... One of the kids wrote on the black-board:
 
T T T 1 A
 
When she came in she was furious... "who wrote this"... Michael jumped up and said "Me Miss, it stands for... To The Teacher 1 Apple...", "well thats nice" she said, and let Michael be...
 
She left the room again to return the item she borrowed... One of the kids wrote on the black-board:
 
T T T 1 O
 
When she came in she was furious... "who wrote this"... Peter jumped up and said "Me Miss, it stands for... To The Teacher 1 Orange...", "well thats nice" she said, and let Peter be...
 
The teacher then had to go to the staff room... Tan (Johnny's best mate, a young asian lad) jumped up and wrote on the black-board:
 
F U C K 1 T
 
When she came in she was furious, reading it she was ready to suspend someone... "who wrote this"... Peter jumped up and said "Me Miss, it stands for... From Us Coloured Kids 1 Tomato!"


-------------
Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009!
Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009!


Posted By: Slim Pickens
Date Posted: 25 Jun 2008 at 6:09am

BRAVE MAN JOKES..... 


  How do you turn a chick into an elephant?
> Marry It!
>
> What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
> A battery has a positive side.
>
> What are the three fastest means of communication?
> 1) Internet
> 2) Telephone
> 3) Telawoman
>
> How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
> They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
>
> How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
> Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
>
> How is a woman like a condom?
> Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
>
> What should you give a woman who has everything?
> A man to show her how to work it.
>
> Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
> Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there.
>
> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
> Put a nipple on it.
>
> Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
> Because they don't have balls to scratch.
>
> Why did God create woman ?
> To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
>
> Why do women fake orgasms ?
> Because they think men care.
>
> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>
> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
> Made her chain too long
>
> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
>
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
>
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>
> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
>
> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>
> Why do men pass gas more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
>
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> A woman who won't do what she's told
>
> I married a Miss Right.
> I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
> by 90%.
> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
>
> Women will never be equal to men...
> until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> Then God created Man and rested.
> Then God created Woman.
> Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 



-------------
Who says i'm dumb?


Posted By: Slim Pickens
Date Posted: 25 Jun 2008 at 6:10am
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...

'W I N A B A G E L'


-------------
Who says i'm dumb?


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 25 Jun 2008 at 10:56pm
A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f%#*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 27 Jun 2008 at 7:46pm
A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and give your wife one while you were off fishing,
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'


'The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about being related,

but it would make us even.



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 29 Jun 2008 at 7:18am
No more Butter
>
> Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and
> found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
>
> Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
> buttercup in the patch.
>
> All of a sudden ... P O O F!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
> appeared.
>
> She said, 'I´m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
> buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won´t have any butter for
>
> your popcorn for the rest of your life.'
>
> 'Better still, you won´t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
>
> life. ... As a matter of fact, you´ll never have any butter for anything for
>
> the rest of your life!!!!!'
>
> Then P OOF! .. she was gone!
>
> After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Henry,
> where are you?'
>
> Henry yells back 'I´m over here in the pussy willows.'
>
> Larry shouts back, 'DON´T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON´T SWING!'
>
>





Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 29 Jun 2008 at 7:27am
A guy is walking through Kings Cross when he's approached by an aging hooker.

The old tart says to him "This is your lucky day, for $20 I do anything for you as long as you can describe the act in just 3 words"

The guy scratches his head for a few seconds, gets out $20 and says......"Paint my house"


Posted By: Slim Pickens
Date Posted: 02 Jul 2008 at 5:02am
When Cardboard Men Come In Handy
-------------------------------------------------
A car gets a flat on the interstate one
day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the
shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds
them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench
coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching
drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes
snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car
arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the
woman calmly.

'Well, what the heck are these obscene
cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blond.
'Those are my emergency flashers!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Men are just happier
> >
> >
> > NICKNAMES
> >
> > If Laura, Karen and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
> > Laura, Karen and Sarah.
> > If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
> > other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
> >
> > EATING OUT
> >
> > When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Dan will each throw in $20, even
> > though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
> > and none will actually admit they want change back.
> > When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
> >
> > MONEY
> >
> > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> > sale.
> >
> > BATHROOMS
> >
> > A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
> > shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
> > The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> > man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
> >
> > ARGUMENTS
> >
> > A woman has the last word in any argument.
> > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> >
> > FUTURE
> >
> > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> >
> > SUCCESS
> >
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >
> > MARRIAGE
> >
> > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
> >
> > DRESSING UP
> >
> > A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
> > trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> > A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
> >
> > NATURAL
> >
> > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> > Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> >
> > OFFSPRING
> >
> > Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> > dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
> > secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> > A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
> >
> > THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> > A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
> > people remembering the same thing!

THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF


A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of  women are hitting from the ladies' tees.  The ladies are taking their time.  When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.  She goes over and whiffs it completely.  Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.  She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'


He never even had a chance to duck. !!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST, THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, “I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT.” 
HE REPLIES, “YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!”
 

WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, “WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY?” 
HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, “YOUR F***IN’ SENSE OF HUMOUR!”



-------------
Who says i'm dumb?


Posted By: Jolls
Date Posted: 04 Jul 2008 at 2:53am
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=1043604&id=553006752">
 
 
Young fella getting stuck in early!!


-------------
Season 2012 = 102 Years since Collingwood has beaten Carlton in a Grand Final.


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 04 Jul 2008 at 6:46pm
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.   
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get 'em.
Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted.

COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW YAH HEAR ME !!!'



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 04 Jul 2008 at 6:54pm
The Professor was showing the new Medical Students through thier hospital.
They walked into the first room and a Nurse was giving the male patient a fast hand masturbation ...The Students looked horrified.
The Professor said settle down , we all have needs and the nurse is creating what is a natural body function for the benefit of the Patient..
Into the second room and the Patient had nurse giving a head job with real meaning.
The Professor noted the shock to the students and quickly said ....It's all right ,
HE HAS PRIVATE HEALTH COVER



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 12:07am
A guy walks into the Centrelink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

The worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The Centrelink worker said, "Yeah, well you started it."



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 12:16am
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The bartender says," you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly".

And the pirate says, Arrr,Its driving me nuts.



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 12:36am
A man with a gun walks into a bank and demanded their money.Once he was given the money,he turned to a customer and asked,"Did you see me rob this bank"?The woman replied,"Yes sir,I did" The robber then shot her in the temple,killing her instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and ask the man,"Did you see me rob this bank"The man replied,"No sir,I didn't but my wife did"



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 12:45am
A man with a gun walks into a bank and demanded their money.Once he was given the money,he turned to a customer and asked,"Did you see me rob this bank"?The woman replied,"Yes sir,I did" The robber then shot her in the temple,killing her instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and ask the man,"Did you see me rob this bank"The man replied,"No sir,I didn't but my wife did"



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 2:24am
Larry gets home late one night and wife Linda says where have you been,Larry says getting a tattoo.
A tattoo she said,what kind of tattoo did you get?
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates.
Why on earth would a accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?
Well one I like watching my money grow.2 once in a while I like to play with my money.3 I like how money feels in my hand.And lastly,instead of you going out shopping,you can stay at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 2:32am
Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked. 'That was for the piece of paper in
your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a
good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was
that for?'

She replied, 'Your horse called.'


Posted By: saintly96
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 3:00am
A guy comes home late one night with lipstick on his collar.

His wife freaks out and demands an explanation of how it got there, "I had to wipe my di*k on something" he explained.


Posted By: Slim Pickens
Date Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 4:37am
New definition

 

The  following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year’s term was: Political  Correctness

The winner wrote:

“Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and  rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the  proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.  

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.  

As they went along they passed some people 
Who remarked it was a shame the old man was

Walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,

So they changed positions.


Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk!  

Soon they passed some more people who thought 
They were stupid to walk when they had a decent

Donkey to ride.  

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by

Saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, 
So they decide to carry the donkey.   

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the

Animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?


If you try to please everyone, 

You might as well...

 


Kiss your ass goodbye!



-------------
Who says i'm dumb?


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 06 Jul 2008 at 7:33am
Why Condoms Come IN Boxes Of 3, 6, And 12


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.Men use them to have safe sex.
""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in healthclass at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for
Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.""Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO forSaturday, and TWO for Sunday.""WOW!" exclaimed the boy,
"then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married working men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for
March....."



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 07 Jul 2008 at 12:39am
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 07 Jul 2008 at 12:46am
A man was driving over the sydney harbour bridge, when he saw his girlfriend standing on the edge ready to jump off.

He pulled over and said "My god sheila, what on earth are you doing ?"

She replied, "well you got me pregnant so now i'm gonna finish myself off".

To which he replied, "Geez your not only a good sh@g, but a good sport too".



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 07 Jul 2008 at 4:46am
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through
the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 8:50am
Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.


He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he
asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars;

Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna
bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 8:57am
NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!


A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 9:02am
At the concert


At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....

"I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies....."

An Aussie voice from the front of the audience yells out...





"Then stop clappin', ya d**khead !"



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 9:14am
Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
'Darling, this is the pig I have s€x with when you have a headache.'
       
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you
d!ckhead.'

The bloke says: ' I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.'






Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 9:22am
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and feeling real horny , nudges
his wife awake and asks Why don't we get it on ,eh? She replies ,
I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't
like to make love the night before . " So the husband agrees and rolled
back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later , he nudges his wife again and asks " you don't by
any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you ?



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 9:27am
Joe and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Joe said, "Man I wish we had something to drink!". Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna
try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Joe wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! No Hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says "How do you feel this morning?" Joe says, "I feel great - how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Joe says "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do
this more often. Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that? Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well DONT, cause I'm in Perth!!"




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 7:28pm
Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 10 Jul 2008 at 2:23am
The Pearly Gates

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty
people from REDFERN showed up.   

Never having seen anyone from Redfern at heaven's door,
Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After
hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten
most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless
and said, "They're gone!"   

"What? All of the people from Redfern are gone?" asked God.   

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 10 Jul 2008 at 2:34am
Subject: 1...2....3...................4

A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom.   
He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
   
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another whole year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "123" and he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 12 Jul 2008 at 9:43pm
Recognise the caller anyone ????

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:        'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:        'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:        'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared'
Operator:        'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:        'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:        'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:        'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:        'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:        'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:        'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:        'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:        'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:               'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing studid to own a computer!!!!


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 14 Jul 2008 at 6:07pm
Bill and Bob, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. During the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 15 Jul 2008 at 8:34am
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

' I can cut them for you ' said the chemist
' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

' I am 96 ' said the old man .
' I don't want an erection .

I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't p i s s on my slippers




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 16 Jul 2008 at 6:47am
Subject: Golf




A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said
To the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry!    I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about
the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's

9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
Brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 16 Jul 2008 at 6:36pm
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelt the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good..........Well almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was  just good. It was better than good, it was Bloody Awesome!

All this place needed was a name.

God said, let this be called.......AUSTRALIA





Posted By: benny
Date Posted: 16 Jul 2008 at 11:44pm
Wayne Bennett has banned all Broncos players from walking their pets, apparently is very worried about his players inability to hold onto leads!!


Posted By: benny
Date Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 12:03am
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit  it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


Posted By: benny
Date Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 12:18am
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 7:01am
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 7:12am
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.


Posted By: benny
Date Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 9:15pm

The Broken Lawn Mower
 
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.   

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrive d home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.   

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'   

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 



Posted By: Slim Pickens
Date Posted: 18 Jul 2008 at 5:57am

Chinese Wedding Night 
 
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. 
 
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
 
'You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?' 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

   

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi.

   

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'  

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'  

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'  

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)    

Dog: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'  

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And  takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'  

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'  

Horse: 'Cool.'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the  villager) 

Horse: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'  

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes  me down often and keeps me in the shed  to protect me from the elements.' 

Kiwi: (total look of amazement) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'  

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a   f*****' liar......!!'  



-------------
Who says i'm dumb?


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 18 Jul 2008 at 8:03pm
  THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

           Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
           complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
           Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
           uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want
           your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
           paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'
            Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
           stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
            ' How long will this take?' I asked.
            ' They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband
           replies.
            I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
           paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger
           over the years?'
            Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't
           it?'
            He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may
           even walk again although he will probably continue to take his
           meals through a straw.


Posted By: Relampago
Date Posted: 18 Jul 2008 at 8:46pm

 

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.



-------------
Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009!
Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009!


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 19 Jul 2008 at 1:19am
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 19 Jul 2008 at 4:07am
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 19 Jul 2008 at 8:09pm
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. 



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 22 Jul 2008 at 2:28am
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap
on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read

"I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that:
No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give
him such a right.

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching
wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he
was about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit on the head
with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the
deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other
hand holding up 4 fingers.



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 23 Jul 2008 at 8:06am
A young fella approaches a stuck-up looking old sales assistant at the counter of a chemist shop.
"Give'us a dozen condoms, miss"
The old bag gives him a disgusted look and says " don't you 'miss' me, young man"
"Ok" says the young fella " make it thirteen then"


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 24 Jul 2008 at 7:40am
Only a Aussie man can make you feel like a woman ......



A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
Things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman
in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'   




Posted By: benny
Date Posted: 24 Jul 2008 at 7:22pm
When i woke up this morning, my missus asked "did you sleep good?", i said "no,i made a few mistakes"


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 6:45am
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.



Posted By: patchy
Date Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 7:23am
I like this sensitive side of you Ormond.


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 7:42am
Why thankyou I'm very sensitive


Posted By: benny
Date Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 7:37pm
why cant a blonde dial 911?
 
Cause she cant find 11


Posted By: Relampago
Date Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 9:13pm

A North Queenslander is drinking in a NSW bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical North Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the North Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in where I come from... like I said, my boy is a typical North Queensland baby boy."

 Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of 'STREWTH'! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you're the father of that typical North Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you; so how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, '17 pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.'

The North Queensland father takes a slow swig from his XXXX beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says...

 'Had him circumcised.'



-------------
Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009!
Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009!


Posted By: hobo
Date Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 11:40pm
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.


'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant.'
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. 'What are those?, asks the attendant. 'They're called tees' replies Tiger. 'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman. 'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger.
'Fook me', says the Irishman, 'BMW thinks of everything.'


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 11:44pm
If you are planning a game this weekend - here are a few terms to use;
Just for golfers..... some new terminology

* A *Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole
* A *Salman Rushdie* - an impossible read
* A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but it wasn't.
* A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution
* An *Elton John *- a big bender that lips the rim
* An *Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker
* A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker straight into another
* A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
* A *Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
* A *Glen Miller* - didn't make it over the water
* A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed
* An *O. J. Simpson* - got away with it
* A * Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver
* A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver
* A *Michael Jackson* - gradually fading
* A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
* A *condom* - safe but didn't feel real good
* A *circus tent* - a BIG top
* An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
* A * Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole .
*A *Jeb Bush*--too far to the right, out of play



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 26 Jul 2008 at 5:35am
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!


Posted By: waggamick
Date Posted: 30 Jul 2008 at 5:39am
The Difference between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between guts and balls:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are given below:

GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there's no difference in the outcome,since both ultimately result in instant death
_________________________


-------------
The Dude Abides


Posted By: waggamick
Date Posted: 30 Jul 2008 at 5:43am
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your ......."

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
_____________

-------------
The Dude Abides


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 30 Jul 2008 at 7:23pm

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 31 Jul 2008 at 7:25am
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he gave it to him. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 01 Aug 2008 at 6:55am
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 01 Aug 2008 at 7:04am
Joe and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Joe said, "Man I wish we had something to drink!". Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna
try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Joe wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! No Hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says "How do you feel this morning?" Joe says, "I feel great - how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Joe says "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do
this more often. Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that? Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well DONT, cause I'm in Perth!!"



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 02 Aug 2008 at 2:49am

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That's cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue’s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

 



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 04 Aug 2008 at 3:10am
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

' Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

' Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on   County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck! '




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 04 Aug 2008 at 6:40am
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach 

and BBQ's


He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQ's,and God saw that it was good.

On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing, http://www.incredimail.com/index.asp?lang=9&version=4001930&aff_id=309&addon=IncrediMail&id=95202&guid=285A6F1E-DBBC-489F-AD44-B55B211AD6D7 - - swimmingand BBQ's on the beach , and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants 
 to provide malt
and yeast for beer
and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals

and crustaceans  for chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. 

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke
 to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates,and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer
  cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... 
Well. . Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas
to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!



IT WAS
 AUSTRALIA!!!!!




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 04 Aug 2008 at 8:01pm
A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, 'I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT.'

HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!"


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 05 Aug 2008 at 7:43am
white guy is walking along a beach when he comes
Across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks
Up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has
been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde
genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom,
in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful
Women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to
Explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet,
He looks down and the floor is covered in $100
Bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons
Dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
Outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
Limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.


As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove
Their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.


One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
Understand the first wish having all these beautiful
Women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'



Posted By: Jarryd
Date Posted: 05 Aug 2008 at 7:57am
Originally posted by Ormond Ormond wrote:

A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, 'I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT.'

HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!"
LOLLOL


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 05 Aug 2008 at 6:20pm
L-O-N-G L-O-N-G JOKE


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and
then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And
you're single. Just let it go.'


But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.




Whispering.....












Dave.......













Dave.........














Dave........











Dave ..............



















Dave........












.........you're a vet Dave.




Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 07 Aug 2008 at 4:32am
Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again
to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail,looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'

'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two ar5eholes!'



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Melton,The Home Of Harness


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 07 Aug 2008 at 8:07pm
Aunty Sharon
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day
the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg
laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to
share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."



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Melton,The Home Of Harness


Posted By: Jolls
Date Posted: 08 Aug 2008 at 10:36pm
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical
procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'


-------------
Season 2012 = 102 Years since Collingwood has beaten Carlton in a Grand Final.


Posted By: waggamick
Date Posted: 10 Aug 2008 at 10:07pm
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dea r,' he said.
'Of course, John ,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I

have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'



-------------
The Dude Abides


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 12 Aug 2008 at 7:50pm
SNIFFER DOG.
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why
the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENT
and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it was levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said,
'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again..
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for
a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into
the middle seat and proceeded to shxt all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that,
so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.' !!!!!!!!



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Melton,The Home Of Harness


Posted By: saintly96
Date Posted: 13 Aug 2008 at 2:47am



1. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.



3. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember, what I chose.



4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'



5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't'

and 'stop', unless they are used together.



6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.



7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.



8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.



9. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.



10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.



11. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.



12. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......



13. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man 's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.



14. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.



15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!



Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 14 Aug 2008 at 8:35am
A Collingwood supporter catches the eye of a gay man in a bar. The gay guy thinks it over many times, but after much consideration gathers the courage to make a move on the Collingwood supporter. He goes up close to him and whispers in his ear, would you like a blowjob?

The Collingwood supporter immediatley picks up his barstool and smashes it over the head of the man, and then precedes to kick and punch him several times and throw him out of the bar.

The bartender is shocked and says 'What the hell? What did he whisper to you?'

The Collingwood supporter replies 'I dunno mate, something about a job'


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Melton,The Home Of Harness


Posted By: Relampago
Date Posted: 15 Aug 2008 at 10:51pm
> >A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a
> >glass of champagne.
> >
> >The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
> >champagne, too!"
> >
> >"What a coincidence" the farmer says. "This is a special day for me,
> > and
> >I'm celebrating."
> >
> >"This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating!" says the
> > woman.
> >
> >"What a coincidence!" says the farmer."
> >
> >As they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
> >
> >"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
> >gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
> >
> >"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years
> > all
> >of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized
> > eggs".
> >
> >"That's great!" says the woman . "How did your chickens become
> > fertile?"
> >
> >"I used a different cock," he replied.
> >
> >The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"


-------------
Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009!
Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009!


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 16 Aug 2008 at 3:35am
How's your day been?
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.

The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.

They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.

"Huey" said the duck.

"How's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey" came the answer.

"So how's your day been?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie"

"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fxcking day!"



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Melton,The Home Of Harness


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2008 at 3:27am
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crxp out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the
music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and
after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third
song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran
towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her
privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers.



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Melton,The Home Of Harness


Posted By: The Muffin Man
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2008 at 4:44am

Grant Hackett



-------------
"Well, I will never post again, if the Oz dollar doesnt go below 80 cents within the year 2012." - Occy22


Posted By: patchy
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2008 at 5:03am
OOOOOOOOOOOH LOW BLOW


Posted By: Ormond
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2008 at 5:20am
Bed sheets

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.   

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.   

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.   

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'   

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh1t out of a ghost.'




-------------
Melton,The Home Of Harness


Posted By: waggamick
Date Posted: 19 Aug 2008 at 9:30am
Winner!

-------------
The Dude Abides



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