Join up at Bet Easy - Click here - Bet Easy is Thoroughbred Village’s premier betting partner - Join here now
Forum Home Forum Home > Community - Public Forums > General
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - Jokes
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login


Click here for the Thoroughbred Village Home Page. For village news, follow @TBVillage on Twitter. For horseracing tips, follow @Villagebet on Twitter. To contact the Mayor by email: Click Here.

Jokes

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 353637
Author
Message
maccamax View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 19 Jun 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 27788
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Nov 2018 at 10:38pm
Very Good AA
Back to Top
Sponsored Links
Click here to view the promotions at Bet Easy.


Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Nov 2018 at 11:10pm

A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.


 

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, " Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there.  And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

 

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. " Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist? ", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

 

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. " There you go," she said. " I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day." Once again ... don't mess with seniors.

 


 

animals before people.
Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Nov 2018 at 11:11pm
You will like the last one better, Macca LOL
animals before people.
Back to Top
maccamax View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 19 Jun 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 27788
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Nov 2018 at 7:01am
Originally posted by acacia alba acacia alba wrote:

You will like the last one better, Macca LOL


I did.    The Ladies have it made aye .
Back to Top
Whale View Drop Down
Champion
Champion
Avatar

Joined: 01 Jun 2009
Location: broome
Status: Offline
Points: 35673
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Whale Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2018 at 4:08pm
Saw this joke in the paper yesterday, I like it, not just a joke but a moral to the story

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2018 at 10:37pm
GUNNY USMC

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started
  looking for a new one to hire.  He posted a sign at the entrance to the building...  EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED -- POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired Marine sergeant named  Gunny, drunk and with a ragged dirty look and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw the sign.  He went into the building to apply for the
position.

Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste.  The old "jarhead" held the glass up to his left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight
, and studied the contents looking through the glass.  He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.  Somewhat low-grade but acceptable."

"That's correct," said the boss.  Glancing at his assistant he said..."Another one, please."

The old Marine took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass, sniffed deeply
, and took a long slow sip....rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then looked  at the director and said...  "It's a Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."

"Absolutely correct.  A third glass." said the director.

Receiving another glass, again, the Marine eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the aroma
, and sipped very softly....  'It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly.

The director was astonished and winked at his assistant to suggest something.

She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine.

The old Sergeant eyed it suspiciously...a color he could not quite recall.

He took a sip, swishing it over his tongue and across his teeth, musing upward all the while.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

NEVER, EVER ...  UNDERESTIMATE THE TALENTS OF A UNITED STATES MARINES NON-COMMISSIONED OFFICER!

 
This is for Shammy and many others marines who have served .
animals before people.
Back to Top
ExceedAndExcel View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 20 Dec 2008
Status: Online
Points: 10883
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ExceedAndExcel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2018 at 10:45pm
Probably on the lame side but I got a bit of a chuckle when I heard this one a couple of months ago:


If toothbrushes hadn’t been named by a Collingwood supporter they would have been called “teethbrushes”.
Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Nov 2018 at 10:47pm
Sorry, E&E, not following that footy down south i dont get that one.   Can you explain it to this dumbo ??  
animals before people.
Back to Top
ExceedAndExcel View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 20 Dec 2008
Status: Online
Points: 10883
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ExceedAndExcel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2018 at 6:30am
Originally posted by acacia alba acacia alba wrote:

Sorry, E&E, not following that footy down south i dont get that one.   Can you explain it to this dumbo ??  



Don’t feel bad AA, it might also be that the joke is quite poor.

Collingwood fans = grubs, dirty, dregs of society, likely to have very few teeth. Just the most likely unfair stereotype that has been laid on them.
Back to Top
Afros View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 14 Jan 2009
Status: Offline
Points: 6392
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Afros Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2018 at 6:53am
If you follow the NRL aa, Souths fans = Collingwood fans.
Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Nov 2018 at 9:43am
LOLThumbs Up
animals before people.
Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Nov 2018 at 9:27am

"I MISS BILL"

It doesn't matter what party you belong to this is good natured political humour 
from a Canadian TV show, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton....
  
"Yes, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"
 
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
 
He plays the saxophone.
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him .... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
 
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honour of one   of the nations' distinguished men.  It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
 
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
 
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
 
The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
 
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes.

 

It's just been announced by Dell that a new computer will be introduced to the market in the near future. It's the Bill Clinton model featuring a 6 inch hard-drive and no memory.

 



 

 

animals before people.
Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Nov 2018 at 7:43pm

This isnt really funny, but I find it could easily apply to Australia as well.


THE UMBRELLA - A TOUCHING STORY

 

On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters were gathered outside the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.  I politely declined to take one.

 

There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

 

The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

 

The old woman looked up at her and said:

 

"Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam.  All three died so a naive, ignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country, and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella up your ass and open it."

 
animals before people.
Back to Top
Dr E View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 05 Feb 2013
Location: Australia
Status: Online
Points: 22022
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dr E Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Nov 2018 at 1:11am
COME ON AA - That is hardly a JOKE - but it is reality ...Unhappy

... and it's our own fault if we do nothing about it ... Socialists want to re-write history and shut down anyone who wants to talk against that ... we all need to warn those who don't know what they don't know ... that's what I do, and thankfully, my kids are properly educated, and unsurprisingly, realise that the Education System that they have experienced is actually a Lefty Lunatic Asylum. They are much wiser for having heard ALL of the conversations and they make their own decisions on what is right and wrong, good or bad, on the balance of evidence, not propaganda ... now they are educating their friends ... we need to spread the words of warning - if we do nothing, we will all be wearing hejabs and learning Arabic!Dead

French Fear the 'Arabization' of France By Teaching Arabic in Schools


Teaching the Arabic-language in France has always been a debate within the French government. The latest came to light after the French Education Minister presented a proposal of adding the Arabic-language learning within the French school system.

The Education Minister, Jean-Michel Blanquer defended his proposal on one of the local TV stations saying that Arabic is “a very important language, like other great civilizational languages” including Chinese and Russia.

The proposal came as a result of recently-released report by Paris’s Institut Montaigne earlier during this week. It suggested that rejuvenating Arabic-language learning in French school will be essential “since Arabic courses have become for Islamists the best means of attracting young people to their mosques and schools”. It also argued that teaching the Arabic language in schools will help in combating “Islamism” in the country.

Introducing the Arabic-language in French schools was welcomed by Arab families who will not worry about children getting to learn their mother-tongue anymore.The conservative and far-right political forces on the other hand strongly criticized the government accusing it of planning to “Islamise” and “Arabize” France.

The topic captured the social media attention with opinion online divided over it.

Many French people seemed to be opponents of the proposal.

France24 had created a poll on their Twitter account and the results were a majority opposition to adding the Arabic language to schools.

https://www.albawaba.com/loop/french-fear-arabization-france-teaching-arabic-schools-1188418
In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
Back to Top
maccamax View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 19 Jun 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 27788
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Nov 2018 at 8:59am
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
                  
'What was that for?' the man asked.
                  
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket."
                  
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'
                  
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
                  
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
                  
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
              
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'





     





















<b
Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Dec 2018 at 10:56pm

THE HAIRCUT

 

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

 

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop

 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

As Margaret Thatcher said: Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!

animals before people.
Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Dec 2018 at 11:00pm
*A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.. Searching for his
ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his
head and golf ball beside him.*

*Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from*

*the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.*

*'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.*

*'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.*

*'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddye want?'*

*'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks
off.*

*'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do
something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great
golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'*

*A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a
bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.*

*'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just
want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'*

*'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous
golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'*

*'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, yeknow. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?'*

*'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out 100Euro bills I didn't even know were
there!'*

*'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'*

*The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
'It's OK.'*

*'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good
job. How many times a week?'*

*Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'*

*'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice
a week?'*

*'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for *

*a Catholic priest in a small parish.'*
animals before people.
Back to Top
maccamax View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 19 Jun 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 27788
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Dec 2018 at 4:40pm
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A
gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend
to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this
high wind?" "YES, I KNOW," SAID THE LADY. "I need both my hands to
hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not
wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman
in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and
replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I BOUGHT
THIS HAT YESTERDAY!"
Back to Top
maccamax View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 19 Jun 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 27788
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Dec 2018 at 11:11am
Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.


As luck would have it, his Labrador dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.


Several hours later, lying in a jDuluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.


"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was ve y little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot.

"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.


"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena .


"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.

Back to Top
acacia alba View Drop Down
Champion
Champion


Joined: 31 Oct 2010
Status: Offline
Points: 25367
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jan 2019 at 11:12am
I bought a new Truck. It'll run on hydrogen,
gasoline, or E85.

Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because
I couldn't get the radio to work.

The service technician explained that the
radio was voice-activated.

'Nelson', the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie' he continued, and 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles', and in an instant
'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away so happy, and for the next few
days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven', I'd get
beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light
and nearly smashed into my new truck,
but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled
at her, 'You Crazy Bitch!'

The radio replied, 'Hillary, Maxine, Warren,
or Pelosi?'

GOD, I love this truck.

 

animals before people.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 353637
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.10
Copyright ©2001-2017 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.078 seconds.