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Jokes

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Passing Through View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Passing Through Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jun 2017 at 2:45pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jun 2017 at 10:35am
A devout catholic in Europe went to confession last week and confided in the Priest that he had sinned.

He said " during WW2 he had taken in a young Jewish girl and hid her in his cellar to save her from the concentration camps.   He was ashamed that in quick time he was bonking her and felt he must confess for such a sin."
The Priest said he could understand how this man had fallen victim to the weakness of the flesh and told him he was forgiven .   Now go and get on with your life .
   With great relief this sinner thanked the Holy Father but said he wanted just one more piece of advice .   

     Wait for it whale .

' Should I tell her the war is over ".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jun 2017 at 1:09pm
Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
“I bet you have a tight ass with no hair”.

 

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf.

Who shall I say is calling?"

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2017 at 12:34pm
Hillary phoned the President's office shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!", exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.

"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?", grumbled Trump.                                              

"A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place," begged Hillary.

"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary," replied President Trump.

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jun 2017 at 7:21pm
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

" May I help you sir ? " she asked..

" I want to see Valerie, " the man replied.

" Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else ", said the madam.

" No, I must see Valerie, " he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000..

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, " No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from ? "

The man replied, " Edinburgh .. "

" Really ", she said. " I have family in Edinburgh . "

" I know. " the man said. " Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person... "

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Jul 2017 at 8:07am

 

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

 

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

 

six illegal aliens

 

six ambulance-chasing lawyers

 

six meth dealers,

 

six Muslim extremists,

 

six Democrats,

 

and a rabbit."

 

 

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

 

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

 

I LOVE TEXAS

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jul 2017 at 8:27pm
The Maid asked for a pay rise .
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much did you want?"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Aug 2017 at 12:26am



Sent from my iPadjust thought you might enjoy a little light reading. I received this from a friend.   Doreen

Begin forwarded message:

> From: Telstraa <japarkins1@bigpond.com>
> Date: 12 August 2017 8:11:47 am AEST
> To: doreenbaker51@gmail.com
> Subject: Fwd: Nine Months later
>
> One for a laugh.
> Cheers
> Judy
>
> Sent by Judy Parkins
>
> Begin forwarded message:
>
>> From: Kim Mclachlan <kimmac2014@outlook.com>
>> Date: 11 August 2017 at 5:43:11 PM AEST
>> Subject: Nine Months later
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> From: kimmac2014@outlook.com
>> Sent: 11 August 2017 17:43
>> Subject: Nine Months later
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>      
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> <image001.jpg> 9 Months Later...
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Yes, I do.' said Bob
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'She just died and left me everything.'

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote max manewer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Sep 2017 at 12:54am
Three new mothers, an Australian, a New Zealander, and a Ugandan, are due to go home with their babies from the maternity hospital. The babies have been retrieved from the nursery, but there is a problem, there may be a mix-up with the identity of the babies. The Australian mother is asked to help, by pointing out the one she considers to be hers. After careful consideration, she picks up the black baby, and starts walking off. "What the hell do you think you are doing ? " barks the Ugandan mother. "I'm truly sorry" replies the Australian, "but one of those babies is a Kiwi, and I can't take that chance"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Oct 2017 at 1:34am
THE DIFFERENCE :
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with

a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,

lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:

"You're next, Chubby"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dr E Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Oct 2017 at 1:55am
Sign at the front of the sandwich shop;

"WE SELL EVERY SANDWICH IN THE WORLD"

"Order a sandwich filling that we don't have, we will pay you $100".

Guy walks in takes a seat and when the waitress asks for his order says "May I have one Elephant sandwich please"

Waitress goes to kitchen, soon returns and asks "Is that all you want, one Elephant sandwich?"

Guy says "yes please"

Waitress goes back to kitchen, soon returns and hands him $100 note.

"So, no elephant?" guy asks smuggly

Waitress replies without a blink " ... oh, we have elephant, but the boss said he's just not prepared to carve up a whole elephant for one lousy sandwich!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gay3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2017 at 11:09am
An oldie I never tire of Big smile

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Experience is something you gain a few minutes after you could have used it!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2017 at 3:29pm
> The Black Bra
>
> The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is
> engaged,
> one is a mistress, and of course I have been married to my husband for
> 16 years.
>
> We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
> wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just
> our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
>
>
> Here's how it all went:
>
> My engaged friend:
> The other night, my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black
> leather
> bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman
> of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
>
> The mistress:
> Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
> leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
> the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
>
> Then I had to share my story:
>
> When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
> stockings,
> stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  As soon as he came in the door and saw
> me he said,
>
>
>
>
>    "What's for dinner, Batman?"
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Oct 2017 at 9:09pm
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!

cid:60E59DD4-C1CF-4ED0-B3D8-B8FE26572D13

cid:229A58C8-744B-4419-A015-D2DF79A935ED

cid:190306A0-BE91-4765-9C55-70750A7DF7E3

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


...........cid:B7E4E934-CD6F-4698-A356-3E2535DD9A5F..........cid:41A92014-73BC-416C-BE6B-6A7E198E8B67.............

Laughter 3............. Laughter 4
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Oct 2017 at 1:01am

A  hunky redneck went to the Hospital in  Georgia as  his wife was going to give birth.


He  waited.
Later,  the Nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big  baby boys."

The  redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a  chimney."

The  nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all  black."
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Magnolian Khan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2017 at 2:25pm
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