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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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Two sisters, one blonde and
one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few
years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from
repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard
in a far town so
that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable." The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull." |
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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😅😂££
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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Malfunction, message is “that was funny!”
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Baghdad Bob
Champion Joined: 10 Feb 2010 Location: Victoria Status: Online Points: 13595 |
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That joke was posted in 2009, what would we think in 2020? |
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max manewer
Champion Joined: 31 Jan 2010 Status: Offline Points: 32947 |
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I read somewhere that Singapore Chinese have the highest average IQ on Earth. Not sure whether that is right, or is even a valid metric to decide on the merits of various ethnic groups, but we can be fairly certain the Chinese are not dumb.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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They were too smart to get by us with their virus.
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Tax Inspector ;- " How many collect wages here , and how much do They get"
Worker;- " We have five on $150 a day plus super , sick leave, Holidays, The Casual cook gets $180 a day 3 days a week = all in. Then there is me, I work for $4 an hour 20 hours a day, NO sickies, No holidays, and That's the whole team" . Tax Inspector:- "Right , now let me talk to the Owner" W. "I AM THE Fn OWNER" |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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Never underestimate the elderly!
*The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said,* *“I would like to withdraw $500.”* *The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”* *The old lady then asked, “Why?”* *The teller irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”* *She then returned the card to the old lady.* *The old lady remained silent … but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”* *The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. * *She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. * *Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”* *The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”* *The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000.”* *The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.* *The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.* *The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.* *Don't be difficult with old people ... we can outwit the young and dumb.* *I like the adage - "Old age and treachery will always beat youth and exuberance."* |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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I I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He he said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?" |
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly. > > "May I ask you a question, My Lord?" > > "Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship. > > "I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on." > > "What word is that?" asked His Lordship. > > "Aplomb," My Lord. > > "Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure." > > "Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused." > > "Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?" > > "I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them." > > "Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?" > > "I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs. > > "While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply." > > "I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief." > > "That evening the hole that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender." > > "Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening." > > "The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, > > Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' > > > And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! > > > …THAT, Carson, is aplomb." |
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Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79533 |
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Second Chance
Champion Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Status: Offline Points: 45319 |
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PT, I certainly hope Macca gave you permission to post his particularly peed off password problems.
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Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79533 |
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No he didn't, amazing that I guessed his.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Lol That cracked me up , You know what's coming but the impact never loses it's value .
GOOD ONE |
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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The Rabbi is leaving.
At the Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Venice and Sarasota, stands up and proclaims: "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says: "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile: "If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence. The rabbi, blushing, asks her: - "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?" Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: kiss him.’” |
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS
#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice. #2 - Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit. #3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work. #5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it." #6 - These days, "on time" is when you get there. #7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound. #8 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller? #9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you #10 - You thought growing old would take longer. #11 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up. #12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will. And one more: So you know you are growing old when "one for the road" means taking a pee before you leave the house |
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animals before people.
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Baghdad Bob
Champion Joined: 10 Feb 2010 Location: Victoria Status: Online Points: 13595 |
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What do woman do when sitting down
What do men do standing up What do dogs do on their three legs Shake hands
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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A man on his Harley was riding along an Australian beach road when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, " Lord, build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy." God replied: "You want two lanes on that bridge, or four? |
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animals before people.
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max manewer
Champion Joined: 31 Jan 2010 Status: Offline Points: 32947 |
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I don't know how many times I have heard that, "I will never understand women", but it could be a case of don't wish too hard for what the bikie asked for, because a degree of allure will vanish, if the mystery is no longer there.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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*Killer speech by Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe:* _"Racism will never end as long as white cars are stil using black tyres. Racism will never end if people still use black to symbolise bad luck and white for peace. Racism will never end if people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to funerals. Racism will never end as long as those who don't pay their bills are blacklisted not white listed. Even when playing snooker, you haven't won until you've sunk the black ball, and the white ball must remain on the table! But I don't care, as long as I'm still using white toilet paper to wipe my black ass, I'm happy."_ |
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animals before people.
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max manewer
Champion Joined: 31 Jan 2010 Status: Offline Points: 32947 |
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The irony is that white, is inclusive, of all other colours !
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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An atheist told a little girl there was no such things as Santa or God , and asked her what she knew to convince him otherwise .
She said , "what is the difference between a Sheep a Cow and a Horse " He had no idea , so she explained. They all eat grass BUT " A Sheep poos pebbles a Cow Poos Pads and a Horse poos lumps and you have the gall to tell me there is NO santa or God , when you don't know Shxt"." |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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animals before people.
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Second Chance
Champion Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Status: Offline Points: 45319 |
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We had a real good member here for about ten years before he finally grew up and decided to give us a miss. Joffs was his moniker.
It's his birthday today, so here's an archival joke from him that might resonate with the blokes: Four blokes spend weeks
planning the perfect camping and fishing trip to a
remote and disconnected spot. So here I am. |
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Second Chance
Champion Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Status: Offline Points: 45319 |
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Sorry, Jolls was his name, not the Joffs for whom this Forum is named.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream
'racism' these days. A customer strolled in and asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?" The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'." |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with
his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few
minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad,
why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying
horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape
before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra
guy wants to buy Mum
.'
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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Am going to give you a covid thought for the day, until i run out of them. Today,s. So let me get this straight. There is no cure for a virus that can be killed by hand sanitizer and soap ??
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animals before people.
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