Jokes

  I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my
                mother-in-law to the airport.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If
                my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be
                reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was
                only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked
                great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man
                couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another
                six months.

No doubt I will be called sexist now 

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife.  Tearfully she explained,"The Chemist.   He insulted me this morning on the phone.  I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."  The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute mate . . . . hear my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed, so I was late.  Without breakfast I hurried to the car to realise I'd locked the house with the house and car keys inside.   I Had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I was given a speeding ticket, then about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre.  When I finally arrived at the store, a crowd of people was waiting for me to open.
I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing.

Then I had to break open a bag of one and two dollar coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.  When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes.
Half of them hit the floor and broke.
Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up.
I finally managed to answer. It was your wife.   She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Believe me mate, as God is my witness . . . . . all I did was tell her!”