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GAJ
Champion Joined: 13 Apr 2011 Location: Alstonville,NSW Status: Offline Points: 4410 |
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An elderly
man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left
the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He
opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in
the shed stealing things. He phoned
the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people
are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the
police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an
officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung
up the phone and counted to 30. Then he
phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry
about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within
five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a
Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars
red-handed. One of the
Policemen said to old guy, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
The wise
old man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 52012 |
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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GAJ
Champion Joined: 13 Apr 2011 Location: Alstonville,NSW Status: Offline Points: 4410 |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?" The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?" The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings." |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Why teachers drink .. Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What causes the tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q.. What happens to your body as you age A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
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animals before people.
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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 52012 |
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude". "You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk." The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fing fault! |
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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VSP.
Premium Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 8350 |
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Love it Gay!!
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www.snowshoecats.webs.com
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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WOOPS, now I will be called racist by the PC brigade !!!
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animals before people.
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horlicks
Champion Joined: 26 Feb 2010 Status: Offline Points: 8416 |
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I told this one to my next door neighbours who are retirees form Scotland. They laughed more than I did.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny
trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh, please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So, the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls ... You must be a POLITICIAN'
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for orphans.
I told him to bugger off - with my luck I'd probably win one. The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay. Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.” Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour then I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.” Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said "Yes"; 11% said "No"; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please.” Prince Harry says he doesn't want the usual fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Philip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going. Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. "I've been ringing 0800-1730 for 2 days, why don't you answer the phone?" Girl replies, "those are our opening times". |
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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A grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. The staff tell me F*** ALL" |
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GAJ
Champion Joined: 13 Apr 2011 Location: Alstonville,NSW Status: Offline Points: 4410 |
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funny but true, esp in public hospitals!
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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I feel that besides myself, Macca and Carioca will be able to relate to most of these . When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job." Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in." I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?" When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. I run like the winded. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. The older I get, the earlier it gets late. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb. |
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animals before people.
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Carioca
Champion Joined: 13 Nov 2015 Status: Offline Points: 21830 |
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Now Now AA, you know I'm a 39 y/o, ....if it's good enough for the old violin player , it's good enough for me.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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I can relate to the spider web, and the goat chewing on the can. And the sunnies to visit the fridge. And dont fib, Carioca,,,,,I know you can too.
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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We are talking age , not measurements Carioca .
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Carioca
Champion Joined: 13 Nov 2015 Status: Offline Points: 21830 |
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Yeah Macca , can't put it over AA, she has a bit of " inside knowledge" .
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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The Doctor was examining the farm workers nuts and said , "What the hell have you done , I've never seen such a mess".
He replied , " I dropped my trousers for a number 2 as we do in the bush , and the droppings landed on the plate of a Rabbit trap. terrible Doc , It Grabbed my privates and the Pain was almost as bad as I've experienced ." Doctor : " Must have been a terrible happening for you to have ever felt worse pain that that, when did you feel worse pain ? " " When I hit the end of the chain was the reply |
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Charlie arrived home after seeing the local GP, who claimed he could diagnose by just tasting the patients urine.
The wife asked charlie what happened and he said the bluddy fool tasted and immediately said I had. bad , Tennis elbow . Charlie went on to say I'll fix him so he got another sample , he put some pee in the bottle , sperm , had his wife , son & daughter add urine to it and added a few drops of oil from his vehicle and went back to the Doc. After several tastes and a few splutters , The Doctor said . " Charlie , Your old truck needs new rings , Your wife has aids , Your daughter is pregnant to your Son and Charlie , if you don't stop playing with your Willie , You will never cure your tennis elbow." |
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Subject: Irish Hooker
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Twenty pounds' she whispers. Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer. 'What's going on here,on a Public footpath , people?' asks the cop 'I'm making love to me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed- 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'it was your wife . 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!!' |
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Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just
going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!”
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 24 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4976 |
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OMG! That’s golden 😆
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Baghdad Bob
Champion Joined: 10 Feb 2010 Location: Victoria Status: Offline Points: 13695 |
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A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW. There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big gum.As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, they turned you down. |
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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The young Indian brave asked Chief Sitting Bull... " How does the tribe choose a name for us Chief Sitting Bull ? "
" Indian Braves carry the name of the first thing their mother sees at the exact time of birth " replied the Chief. " That is how you got your name , Two Dog's Fcking ". |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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*Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide.* *Lets have a look at the evidence:* *- No Christmas* *- No television* *- No nude women* *- **No football* *- No pork chops* *- No hot dogs* *- No burgers* *- **No beer* *- **No bacon* *- Rags for clothes* *- Towels for hats* *- **Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower* *- More than one wife* *More than one mother in law* *- You can't shave* *- Your wife can't shave* *- You can't wash off the smell of donkey* *- **You cook over burning camel gelati* *- Your wife is picked by someone else for you* *- and your wife smells worse than your donkey* *Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??* *Well no sh*****t Sherlock!....* *It's not like it could get much worse* |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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During
her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her
physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every
week, in the
outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine." Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoor woman!" "No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer!" |
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animals before people.
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Baghdad Bob
Champion Joined: 10 Feb 2010 Location: Victoria Status: Offline Points: 13695 |
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Subject: Little Johnny
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. "I sold SES cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher. Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked past a free sample of a chip and some dip. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog gelati!' Then I would say, 'It is dog gelati, do you wanna buy a toothbrush?' “I used the Bill Shorten method of 'giving' you some crap by first dressing it up so it looks good and telling you it's free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth." Little Johnny got an A+ for his assignment. Bless his little heart. |
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