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GAJ View Drop Down
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Points: 4410 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote GAJ Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Aug 2019 at 12:08pm

An elderly man, from Georgia, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." The old guy said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to old guy, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

The wise old man said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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LOL
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Everyone  seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism'  these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"  

The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something,

If  I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or  if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The  shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."  

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

 

The  clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."

 
animals before people.
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Why teachers drink ..LOL

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                  (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wtf!)                                                  

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.               (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport.           (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant) 

 



 
animals before people.
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fCensoreding fault!
Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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Love it Gay!!
www.snowshoecats.webs.com
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Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma ,
   
   Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says,
   
   "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other
   
   and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
   
     
   The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the
   
   room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it
   
   be, gentlemen?"
   
   
      There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a
   
   martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced
   
   martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10
   
   cents each, please."
   
      
   The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at
   
   each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the
   
   40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
   
   Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the
   
   bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay
   
   the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.
   
   They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a
   
   dollar yet.
   
      
   Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve
   
   martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
   
      
   "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says,
   
   "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
   
   Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this
   
   place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's
   
   all the same."  
   
   
   "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
   
      
   As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help
   
   noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't
   
   have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered
   
   anything the whole time they've been there.
   
   
   
   Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men
   
   asks the bartender, "What's with them?"    
   
   
   The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland,

    
   They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
   
 

  


 


 


 

animals before people.
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WOOPS, now I will be called racist by the PC brigade !!!LOL
animals before people.
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I told this one to my next door neighbours who are retirees form Scotland.

They laughed more than I did.
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 One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny

 

trail and tripped

over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

 

'Oh, please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over

you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault.

I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and didn't see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen

myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

 

So, the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and

cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy

little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

 

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of

animal are you?'

 

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to

examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked,

'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

 

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold,

you're slippery, and you have no balls ...

You must be a POLITICIAN'

 

 

cid:4C2A7D0220AB43AEBEA34518ACAEDF39@DESKTOPDI4716M

 

cid:4C2A7D0220AB43AEBEA34518ACAEDF39@DESKTOPDI4716M
animals before people.
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  Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for orphans.
    I told him to bugger off - with my luck I'd probably win one.

   The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low
   cut tops.  Although they do make me look a bit gay.

   Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show,
  a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”

  Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
  Only used it for half an hour then I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does  everything - Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the
  lot.”

  Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain?
  17% said "Yes"; 11% said "No"; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please.”

  Prince Harry says he doesn't want the usual fruit cake at his wedding.
  Prince Philip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. "I've been ringing 0800-1730
for 2 days, why don't you answer the phone?" Girl replies, "those are our
opening times".
animals before people.
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A grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news.

Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work

just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful.

I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.    The staff tell me F*** ALL"
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funny but true, esp in public hospitals!
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I feel that besides myself, Macca and Carioca will be able to relate to most of these .


When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably

in prison.

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time
between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."
Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

Cop: "Please step out of the car."
Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as
a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to
you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?"

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing,"
it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days,
but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the
beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint
and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that
I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells
me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like
a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember
things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns
you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta
nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.
We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
animals before people.
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Now Now AA, you know I'm a 39 y/o, ....if it's good enough for the old violin player , it's good enough for me.
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I can relate to the spider web, and the goat chewing on the can. And the sunnies to visit the fridge.
And dont fib, Carioca,,,,,I know you can too.  Wink
animals before people.
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   We are talking age , not measurements Carioca .
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Yeah Macca , can't put it over AA, she has a bit of " inside knowledge" .
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The Doctor was examining the farm workers nuts and said ,     "What the hell have you done , I've never seen such a mess".

   He replied , " I dropped my trousers for a number 2 as we do in the bush ,
and the droppings landed on the plate of a Rabbit trap. terrible Doc , It Grabbed my privates and the Pain was almost as bad as I've experienced ."

Doctor : " Must have been a terrible happening for you to have ever felt worse pain that that, when did you feel worse pain ? "

" When I hit the end of the chain   was the reply
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Charlie arrived home after seeing the local GP, who claimed he could diagnose by just tasting the patients urine.
   The wife asked charlie what happened and he said the bluddy fool tasted and immediately said I had. bad , Tennis elbow .
Charlie went on to say I'll fix him so he got another sample , he put some pee in the bottle , sperm , had his wife , son & daughter add urine to it and added a few drops of oil from his vehicle and went back to the Doc.

After several tastes and a few splutters , The Doctor said .

" Charlie , Your old truck needs new rings ,   Your wife has aids ,
Your daughter is pregnant to your Son and Charlie ,   if you don't stop playing with your Willie ,    You will never cure your tennis elbow."
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    Subject: Irish Hooker


    An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

    'Twenty pounds' she whispers.

    Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

    They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

    'What's going on here,on a Public footpath , people?' asks the cop

    'I'm making love to me wife!,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed-

    'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'it was your wife .

    'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!!'
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!” 

Passenger: "Who?” 

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.” 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody.” 

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.” 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.” 

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.” 

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then.” 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.” 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?” 

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."
animals before people.
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OMG! That’s golden 😆
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW. There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big gum.As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, they turned you down.
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Points: 41473 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Dec 2019 at 3:27pm
The young Indian brave asked Chief Sitting Bull...     " How does the tribe choose a name for us Chief Sitting Bull ? "

" Indian Braves carry the name of the first thing their mother sees at the exact time of birth "   replied the Chief.
" That is how you got your name ,    Two Dog's Fcking ".
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Points: 41480 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Dec 2019 at 11:29pm
*Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide.*
*Lets have a look at the evidence:*
*- No Christmas*
*- No television*
*- No nude women*
*- **No football*
*- No pork chops*
*- No hot dogs*
*- No burgers*
*- **No beer*
*- **No bacon*
*- Rags for clothes*
*- Towels for hats*
*- **Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower*
*- More than one wife*
*More than one mother in law*
*- You can't shave*
*- Your wife can't shave*
*- You can't wash off the smell of donkey*
*- **You cook over burning camel gelati*
*- Your wife is picked by someone else for you*
*- and your wife smells worse than your donkey*
*Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??*
*Well no sh*****t Sherlock!....*
*It's not like it could get much worse*
animals before people.
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Points: 41480 		Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Dec 2019 at 10:17pm
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoor woman!"

"No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer!"
animals before people.
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Subject: Little Johnny
 
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold SES cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked past a free sample of a chip and some dip.
They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog gelati!'

Then I would say, 'It is dog gelati, do you wanna buy a toothbrush?'

“I used the Bill Shorten method of 'giving' you some crap by first dressing it up so it looks good and telling you it's free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got an A+ for his assignment. Bless his little heart.
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