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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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A
man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror Since her birthday was not far off he
asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .. On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! Retard!!!!' The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong. |
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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*When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.* |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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*If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.* |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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*Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?* |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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*At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.* *Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 65 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and* *my own car The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.* |
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as Promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 pounds as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your arse is mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week!! |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?" God replied: "gelati! I didn't recognize you!" |
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO." 😂😂😂😂😂😂 sorry all my blondie friends 😂😂 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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A farmers wife awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes down to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What's the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up from his drink, “It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met.” She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up. The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.” Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?” “Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison'?” “I remember that too,” she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.” |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Second Chance
Champion Joined: 02 Dec 2007 Status: Offline Points: 45319 |
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Keep 'em coming.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in Dublin with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him..
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in London, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in Dublin, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up.... So she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think😂 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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The Irish - their culture, religion and intelligence ridiculed endlessly in the name of fun. And they take it all on the chin, unlike others I can think of.....
That’s why I love the Irish ☘️ 👍 Amongst many good qualities, they CAN take a Joke?! |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 51818 |
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You are so correct Sister Dot, they are the only Nationality who can take & laugh along with a joke about themselves, including making them up themselves. Italans & Chinese I think, aren't too unforgiving but the rest ???????? self righteous s
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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GAJ
Champion Joined: 13 Apr 2011 Location: Alstonville,NSW Status: Offline Points: 4410 |
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Many are naturally very funny people too, agree..
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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The Irish are such funny people, but then so are the Scots. We used to be funny people too once, until PC came into being, and now we cant say doodly squat in case we offend someone. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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A Ship Wrecked Irishman
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself... "It's certainly not a ship."?? And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.??
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.?? Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!??
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar???
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.??
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"??
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.??
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."??
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!"?? Stated the Irishman. ''Tis truly fantastic!!!"??
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"??
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!?? Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!" |
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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horseshoe
Champion Joined: 10 Dec 2008 Location: Tess' Paddock Status: Offline Points: 4526 |
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The Hypnotist:
After Hypnotising 7 people he dropped his microphone on his foot 'Yelling F#ck me' Two words that will haunt him forever |
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Those who know don't tell, Those who tell don't know
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads..." |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ' 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?' 'You dumber than buffalo POO Kemo Sabe. it means someone stole tent' |
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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My wife had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) My wife tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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VSP.
Premium Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 8315 |
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Joe gets bad headaches.
The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself... As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like to try on a new suit please...' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see now... Size 44 long should do it' Joe laughed, 'Wow, that's right; how did you know?' 'Oh, I've been in the business 40 years sir!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure, why not.' The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised again, 'You're absolutely right, how did you guess that?' 'Been in the business 40 years sir.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove! Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure, I might as well.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.' Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'No way! You can't wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!' |
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www.snowshoecats.webs.com
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41243 |
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A 72-year-old man goes
for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says,
"Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and
emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!" |
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animals before people.
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