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Dizzy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 May 2018 at 8:08pm
I have dogs....
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote RED HUNTER Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 May 2018 at 9:54pm
Najib and Mahathir went Into A Bakery on a Campaign Trail. 

As soon as they enter the bakery, Najib steals three curry puffs and puts them in his pocket.
He says to Mahathir, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't even see anything and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win these elections."

Mahathir says to Najib, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickeries and deceits.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Mahathir goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a curry puff and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Mahathir swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one and he eats it as well.
Then Mahathir asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and
asks, "What did you do with the three curry puffs?"

Mahathir replies, "Look in Najib's pocket!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dr E Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jun 2018 at 9:21pm
I went to a restaurant last night and my waitress had a black eye.

So when I ordered I made sure that I spoke loudly and clearly, because she obviously doesn't pay attention.

Big smile



As told to me by a 20 yo bloke ... there is hope for the future macca!Thumbs Up
In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jun 2018 at 10:09pm
The 20 year old would love Germain Greer, who said yesterday that rape really isnt a terrible crime, and mostly its consensual sex gone wrong Wacko
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jun 2018 at 10:36pm
 

Bill Shorten was asleep and was visited by Menzies' ghost. 

 

He said, "Bob, how can I make this country a better place?" 

Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers as I did."


Shorten went back to sleep and dreamed of John Howard. 
 

He asked in his sleep, "John, how can I make this country a better place?"

John answered, "Be honest with the people as I was."


Again Shorten fell asleep and was visited by Harold Holt's ghost.

"Harold, how can I make this country a better place?"


Harold replied, "Go for a swim!"

 

 

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jun 2018 at 10:39pm

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?

He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."



 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dr E Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Jun 2018 at 3:22am
Originally posted by acacia alba acacia alba wrote:

The 20 year old would love Germain Greer, who said yesterday that rape really isnt a terrible crime, and mostly its consensual sex gone wrong Wacko

Germain Greer is one of the worst comedians I've ever seen!Dead

Funnier than Samantha Bee, Kathy Griffin and anyone on SNL, granted ...
In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jun 2018 at 10:27am
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jun 2018 at 10:32am
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote RED HUNTER Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jun 2018 at 11:08pm
Originally posted by maccamax maccamax wrote:

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"


macca....the response to me telling that joke has been overwhelmingly great...tx
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote RED HUNTER Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jun 2018 at 11:11pm
I just reversed the crunch line

to


Yes I do
"Well tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jun 2018 at 7:52pm
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"Listen very carefully, you sweetheart, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote djebel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jun 2018 at 7:55pm
LOL


STRIKE WHILST THE IRON IS HOT

reductio ad absurdum

The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Passing Through Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2018 at 7:46am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2018 at 1:33pm
That will be me, or you, or Macca, soon, me thinks , PT  ?
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Passing Through Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2018 at 1:46pm
What  do you mean soon, AA? 

Already. Embarrassed
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2018 at 5:27pm
Speak for yourself then, PT.  Wink  I am giving myself a bit more time yet.  Big smile
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jun 2018 at 12:27am
Originally posted by acacia alba acacia alba wrote:

Speak for yourself then, PT.  Wink  I am giving myself a bit more time yet.  Big smile


Don't complain,
That old bloke passed out in the boat is my son.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jun 2018 at 12:30am
Why are Married Women much more FAT than Single Ladies.

The Single ones look what is in the fridge and go to bed.

THE MARRIED ONES ,LOOK WHAT IS IN THE BED AND GO TO THE FRIDGE.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jun 2018 at 9:37am

First the   Apple

 

 

 

 

A woman ran a red traffic light   and crashed into a man's car.
 
 

 

 

 

Both of their cars are   demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
 
  After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our   cars!  There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be   a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace   for the rest of our days.”

 
  The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”  

 
  The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is   completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants   us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the   bottle to the man.

 
  The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then   hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the   cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

 
  The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”

 
  She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.”

   

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

  Adam   ate the apple, too!

 

Men   will never learn!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jun 2018 at 9:03am
I told my wife she was wasting her time buying Bra's as she had nothing to put in them.

She said , " Then why do you buy underpants ".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jun 2018 at 9:10am
A smart young couple were trying to smuggle a snake and a skunk Through Customs.
   He said , "This will be easy ,   I'll wrap the snake around my waist and they'll think it's a snake skin belt.     You put the skunk in your knickers and they'll think it's body hair ".
She said , " but what about the stink "
He said .. " Ahh well, If it dies it dies."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Passing Through Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jul 2018 at 2:03pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Jul 2018 at 9:07pm

I'm fine


 A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company..
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
 asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 

'I didn't ask for any details',
 the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder.. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. 

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her.. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
 

'Now wot da fock would you say?'


 

 

 


 

 

 



 

 

  


animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Gay3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Sep 2018 at 6:53pm
Sadly I've a feeling these are for real Shocked

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

IDIOT SIGHTING.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING.

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....

IDIOT SIGHTING.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.

IDIOT SIGHTING.

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Experience is something you gain a few minutes after you could have used it!
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