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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Passing Through Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jun 2017 at 12:45pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jun 2017 at 8:35am
A devout catholic in Europe went to confession last week and confided in the Priest that he had sinned.

He said " during WW2 he had taken in a young Jewish girl and hid her in his cellar to save her from the concentration camps.   He was ashamed that in quick time he was bonking her and felt he must confess for such a sin."
The Priest said he could understand how this man had fallen victim to the weakness of the flesh and told him he was forgiven .   Now go and get on with your life .
   With great relief this sinner thanked the Holy Father but said he wanted just one more piece of advice .   

     Wait for it whale .

' Should I tell her the war is over ".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jun 2017 at 11:09am
Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
“I bet you have a tight ass with no hair”.

 

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf.

Who shall I say is calling?"

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2017 at 10:34am
Hillary phoned the President's office shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the president, it's an emergency!", exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.

"So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?", grumbled Trump.                                              

"A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place," begged Hillary.

"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary," replied President Trump.

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jun 2017 at 5:21pm
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

" May I help you sir ? " she asked..

" I want to see Valerie, " the man replied.

" Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else ", said the madam.

" No, I must see Valerie, " he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000..

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, " No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from ? "

The man replied, " Edinburgh .. "

" Really ", she said. " I have family in Edinburgh . "

" I know. " the man said. " Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person... "

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain------

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer
       
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Jul 2017 at 6:07am

 

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

 

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

 

six illegal aliens

 

six ambulance-chasing lawyers

 

six meth dealers,

 

six Muslim extremists,

 

six Democrats,

 

and a rabbit."

 

 

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

 

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

 

I LOVE TEXAS

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Jul 2017 at 6:27pm
The Maid asked for a pay rise .
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Your huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Your hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much did you want?"

       
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Aug 2017 at 10:26pm



Sent from my iPadjust thought you might enjoy a little light reading. I received this from a friend.   Doreen

Begin forwarded message:

> From: Telstraa <japarkins1@bigpond.com>
> Date: 12 August 2017 8:11:47 am AEST
> To: doreenbaker51@gmail.com
> Subject: Fwd: Nine Months later
>
> One for a laugh.
> Cheers
> Judy
>
> Sent by Judy Parkins
>
> Begin forwarded message:
>
>> From: Kim Mclachlan <kimmac2014@outlook.com>
>> Date: 11 August 2017 at 5:43:11 PM AEST
>> Subject: Nine Months later
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> From: kimmac2014@outlook.com
>> Sent: 11 August 2017 17:43
>> Subject: Nine Months later
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>      
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> <image001.jpg> 9 Months Later...
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. 'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Yes, I do.' said Bob
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> 'She just died and left me everything.'

       
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote max manewer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Sep 2017 at 10:54pm
Three new mothers, an Australian, a New Zealander, and a Ugandan, are due to go home with their babies from the maternity hospital. The babies have been retrieved from the nursery, but there is a problem, there may be a mix-up with the identity of the babies. The Australian mother is asked to help, by pointing out the one she considers to be hers. After careful consideration, she picks up the black baby, and starts walking off. "What the hell do you think you are doing ? " barks the Ugandan mother. "I'm truly sorry" replies the Australian, "but one of those babies is a Kiwi, and I can't take that chance"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Oct 2017 at 11:34pm
THE DIFFERENCE :
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with

a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "



BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer,

lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:

"You're next, Chubby"
       
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dr E Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Oct 2017 at 11:55pm
Sign at the front of the sandwich shop;

"WE SELL EVERY SANDWICH IN THE WORLD"

"Order a sandwich filling that we don't have, we will pay you $100".

Guy walks in takes a seat and when the waitress asks for his order says "May I have one Elephant sandwich please"

Waitress goes to kitchen, soon returns and asks "Is that all you want, one Elephant sandwich?"

Guy says "yes please"

Waitress goes back to kitchen, soon returns and hands him $100 note.

"So, no elephant?" guy asks smuggly

Waitress replies without a blink " ... oh, we have elephant, but the boss said he's just not prepared to carve up a whole elephant for one lousy sandwich!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gay3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2017 at 9:09am
An oldie I never tire of Big smile

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Experience is something you gain a few minutes after you could have used it!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2017 at 1:29pm
> The Black Bra
>
> The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is
> engaged,
> one is a mistress, and of course I have been married to my husband for
> 16 years.
>
> We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by
> wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just
> our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
>
>
> Here's how it all went:
>
> My engaged friend:
> The other night, my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black
> leather
> bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman
> of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
>
> The mistress:
> Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the
> leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened
> the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
>
> Then I had to share my story:
>
> When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
> stockings,
> stilettos and a mask over my eyes.  As soon as he came in the door and saw
> me he said,
>
>
>
>
>    "What's for dinner, Batman?"
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Oct 2017 at 7:09pm
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!

cid:60E59DD4-C1CF-4ED0-B3D8-B8FE26572D13

cid:229A58C8-744B-4419-A015-D2DF79A935ED

cid:190306A0-BE91-4765-9C55-70750A7DF7E3

'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


...........cid:B7E4E934-CD6F-4698-A356-3E2535DD9A5F..........cid:41A92014-73BC-416C-BE6B-6A7E198E8B67.............

Laughter 3............. Laughter 4
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Oct 2017 at 11:01pm

A  hunky redneck went to the Hospital in  Georgia as  his wife was going to give birth.


He  waited.
Later,  the Nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big  baby boys."

The  redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a  chimney."

The  nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all  black."
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Magnolian Khan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Oct 2017 at 12:25pm
Adam McNamara
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Nov 2017 at 7:38am
Beautiful young Lady just out of surgery .
" Doctor , how long before I can resume normal sex "

Medico, somewhat shocked said ;    " Shouldn't be long , Having your tonsils removed is not major surgery ".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Dec 2017 at 9:59am
    Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama's new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a fritter. . He just knows Michele will go friggin' ballistic!
Then he notices a lamp half-buried in the ground. He digs it up, brushes it off and immediately a Genie pops out. "You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie "As a reward I shall grant you a wish."

    "Well," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."

    They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you can bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.. The Genie looks at the remains and shakes his head. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Perhaps there's something else you'd like?"

    Bill thought for a minute, reaches into his pocket and pulls out two photos. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I'm actually married to this woman, called Hillary," and he shows the genie the second photo. "You see Hillary isn't beautiful at all, says Bill, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"

    The Genie carefully studies the two photographs and after a few minutes says . . .. "Damn, let's have another look at that dog..."

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*Michelle
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Whale Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Dec 2017 at 10:20am
not a funny joke, the same joke could be made about Pauline, man is she scary, imagine waking up next to that

Image result for scream in terror
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Toll Road Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Jan 2018 at 10:25am
Police really do care


Queensland Police report finding a man's body in the Brisbane River at New Farm following his apparent attendance at an after-party for the recent same sex marriage plebiscite.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on
 dildo, purple lipstick, and a "Shorten for PM" T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum. The police removed the Shorten T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

 

In spite of what we sometimes think, the Police do care. 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Jan 2018 at 12:19pm

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for
counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance
with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception,
we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always
dance separately."
"So, after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my
own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have
children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?"

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket
of honey, a porno video, a camel and a goat ?"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing

 

 

 
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Feb 2018 at 1:16pm

Donald is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a

 

possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun. A secret service agent, new on the

 

job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

 

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

 

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous.

 

I meant to  shout "Donald, duck!"

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Mar 2018 at 3:25pm
            Book Report-Too funny!!!

               Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic'

               and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

               One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition

               that they were nearly identical stories!

               His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

               Titanic: Cost - $29.99

               Clinton : Cost - $29.99

               Titanic: Over 3 hours to read

               Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

               Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and

               subsequent catastrophe.

               Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and

               subsequent catastrophe.

               Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.

               Clinton : Bill is a bullgelati artist.

               Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

               Clinton : Ditto for Bill

               Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

               Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

               Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

               Clinton : Let's not go there.

               Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.

               Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

               Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

               Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything..

               Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

               Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let's not go there, either.

               Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

               CLINTON : BILL GOES HOME TO HILLARY - BASICALLY THE SAME THING

     

       
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Apr 2018 at 11:38am
Another medical breakthrough.

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested.  Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.  The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Apr 2018 at 10:20pm
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

     The only question asked was:-
     "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions
     to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

     The survey was a complete failure because:-
    

     In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
     In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
     In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
     In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
     In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
     In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
     In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

     And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain
     everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2018 at 8:21am
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do... why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"


The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water.


The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better". Tonto said "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.


A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'".
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2018 at 8:23am
A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Senator from Canberra", says Bruce.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the stockman. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote tillyras Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2018 at 8:31am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote djebel Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 May 2018 at 7:45pm
2 dogs in a bar

Dog 1: "I heard a great joke today"

Dog 2: "Let's hear it then"

Dog1: "Knock kno..."

Dog2: goes f**king mental



STRIKE WHILST THE IRON IS HOT

reductio ad absurdum

The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least.

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