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Baghdad Bob View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Baghdad Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jun 2016 at 7:18pm
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up 

and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she
was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat
right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business
trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the
Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business
at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have
learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths
about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are
The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that
Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent
who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the
best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,”
she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even
know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jun 2016 at 9:35pm
Love it !  Clap  Every second bloke in Tennessee is called Bubba,  even tho he is 60 years old and 200lbs of redneck ,  he is Bubba !!  LOL
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jun 2016 at 11:49pm
   AA..>         Is a Redneck a man who abuses his 16 year old daughter for smoking at the dinner table .
             In front of her 2 kids.
Why do they advertise toilet paper--   WHO isn't using it.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jun 2016 at 12:12am
Originally posted by maccamax maccamax wrote:

   AA..>         Is a Redneck a man who abuses his 16 year old daughter for smoking at the dinner table .
             In front of her 2 kids.

Redneck , white socks,  and blue ribbon beer.
Bubba hunts with an automatic weapon with telescopic sights, and calls it sport when he manages to bag a poor old slow deer.  
He fishes for catfish and if he manages to land one without falling out of the boat, because he is blotto,  and getting taken by a gator,   he is a hero.
He marries his missus when they are both 15.
He knocks 5 kids out of her in 8 years.
He loves his guns more than his family.
He drives a huge pick up truck, with a small tinnie towed behind.
He lives in a trailer park.
He tunes his missus up once a week, wether she needs it or not.  
Pabst is his drink of choice, but he will take moonshine if his mate ( Bubba ) can get him some.  
He hates niggas,  but he hates intelligent women even worse .
His clothes of choice are daggy jeans with the arse out of them,  hanging down below his crack, and a T shirt that wont stretch across his beer gut.
And if his daughters cant run faster than him, they dont stay virgins for long.
What else would you like to know about rednecks , then, Macca ???




animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Passing Through Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jun 2016 at 8:57am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote Gay3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jun 2016 at 9:40am

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint (as they do!)

When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' 


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey Koala!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'kiss me....
How much water did you drink!?'
Experience is something you gain a few minutes after you could have used it!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Fiddlesticks Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Jun 2016 at 10:09am
lol...that's pretty good I like that one..
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Jun 2016 at 3:15pm

 

 

 

  A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside  
the Centrelink Offices.                                                  
 
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told by Malcolm Turnbull
and Scott Morrison to grant 
you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Australia with your wife
and seven children -- all costs to be borne by Australian Tax Payers.'                                   
 
The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't   
have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'                            
 
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and PING !!! The     
Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!                                  
 
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go!                    
 
The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder                        
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight 
bedrooms - and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest
of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring them all over here'                                                      
 
PING ! - In  the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a 
three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling
swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.                                      
 
'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.           
 
The  Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now
and said "I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags
and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'                                        
 
PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a    
dirty Bonds T-shirt and a greasy terry-towel hat.  He had his bad teeth back
and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.                                            
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?      
.                            
Where's my Visa Gold Card?'                                              
Where is my BMW?                                                         
 
The fairy said 'Tough luck.
Now that you are Australian, you're entitled 
to sweet bugger all  just like the rest of us'


And she disappeared.........                                             

 




 

 

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Baghdad Bob Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Jun 2016 at 7:28pm
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary-Agnes, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says," Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Catherine, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?” The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Agatha! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Brenda sticks her arse in it."

 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gay3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Jul 2016 at 1:44pm

Naked man bends over to fix sink, and playful kitten decides to ruin his life

 

I can't stop laughing! and cringing.... 

A traumatized man shares his story...

"Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.   On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating," he shared on tickld.  

"I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.  

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.  

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'   There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.  

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.  

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. 

It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

uhoh

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink.

And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she lept at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.  

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.  

Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.   I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.  

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.  

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter and not succeeding.  

Somehow I lived through it all.  

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.  

I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was."

 

Cats sure do keep us on our toes! 

Note to all cat dads out there - your dangly man parts may look like a cool kitty toy for them to attack... so... FYI.

Experience is something you gain a few minutes after you could have used it!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gay3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Jul 2016 at 2:02pm
Experience is something you gain a few minutes after you could have used it!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2016 at 1:48pm

An African, an Arab  and Pauline Hanson are in the same bar.
 
 


When the African finishes his beer,

he throws his glass in the air, pulls out  his pistol,

and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Africa, our glasses are given to us by the Red Cross Aid so we don't need

to drink with the same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this,

drinks non-alcohol beer ( cuz he's a Muslim!),
throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots
the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have
so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink with the same one twice either.'


Pauline Hanson, cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into
the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the
African and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling
for a refill,
  she says, 'In Queensland,
we have so many
illegal immigrants that
we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'

 

 

 

 

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2016 at 2:28pm
LOL thanks AA.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Carioca Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2016 at 3:04pm
Ditto
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2016 at 9:35pm
LOL Dizzy . I would like to post "the flag "  but I am not that brave   Tongue
animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jul 2016 at 7:35am
Agree AA, I'm not that game either.  Wink
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Jul 2016 at 8:12pm
Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class.    They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

 

The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

 

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

 

"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."

 

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm affraid not," explained Trump.  "That's what we would call a great loss."

 

The room went silent. No other child volunteered.  Trump searched the room.  "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand.  The teacher held her breath. 
In a quiet voice he said:  "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

 

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right.  And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

 

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss...and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jul 2016 at 8:56pm
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without

 

forgetting.

 

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he

 

asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

 

from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

 

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a

 

'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing

 

community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank

 

you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to

 

pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from

 

you. I'm doing community service this week.  'The Member of Parliament

 

was very happy and left the shop.

 

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen

 

Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between

 

the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Aug 2016 at 11:15pm

Malcolm Turnbull called Bill Shorten into his office recently and said, ‘Bill, I have a great idea. We are going to go all out & talk to country voters.’

‘Good idea Malcolm, how will we go about it?’ said Bill.

‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ’We’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick & an Akubra hat.

Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we’ll really look the part.

We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.’

‘Right.’ said Bill.

Days later, all kitted out & with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog & up to the bar.

’G’day mate,’ said Malcolm to the bartender, ‘two middies of your best beer.’

‘Good afternoon Malcolm,’ said the bartender, ‘two middies of our best coming up.’

Turnbull & Shorten stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now & again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.

He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog & lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head & went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in & lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Turnbull and Shorten could stand it no longer & called the barman over.

‘Tell me,’ said Shorten, ‘why did all those old stockmen come in & look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?’

‘Strewth no,’ said the barman. ‘Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two Christmas puddings.’

 

 

 

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Aug 2016 at 9:42pm
 

 

We Was Brung Up Proper

Many a true word spoken in jest!!

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's
Oldie but a goodie....


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.


They took aspirin, Bex, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or any cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
 
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags, or in the back of a Ute.

We drank water from the garden hose, or a bubbler and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, or Subway .

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy  Toffees, Bubble Gum and some ‘crackers’ to blow up frogs with.


We ate copious biscuits, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with heaps of sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

Out of school we would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was out looking for us all day. And we were O.K.

 

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams. Or fruit boxes and ball bearings and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. Our bikes had back pedal brakes, but only for as long as the chain stayed on. We built tree houses and dens and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
No video/DVD  films,  No mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!


We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns or cap guns, and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

 


We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the back door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had try outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

 

Our teachers used to hit us hard with canes, straps and gym shoes.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla' and ‘Lotus’


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.


PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age.

 

Can you remember these times too ?

 

 

No virus found in this message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 2016.0.7690 / Virus Database: 4627/12741 - Release Date: 08/03/16

 

 

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Carioca Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Aug 2016 at 10:54pm
Tell the kids today that,.and they would never believe you!..( with apologies to Monty Python)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gay3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Aug 2016 at 6:51pm

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, esp ecially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

Experience is something you gain a few minutes after you could have used it!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote maccamax Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Aug 2016 at 9:52pm

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."


Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Why do they advertise toilet paper--   WHO isn't using it.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Aug 2016 at 7:52pm
      Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy

behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'Customer says , 'Female.'   

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?Customer says , 'White.' Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?' Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

This one is for Macca LOL

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Phazeal Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Aug 2016 at 5:30pm
This from Ninemsn a little while ago from some doctor in Queensland:
 
"So get this ... both Caitlin and Tom turned 30 yesterday. Born within 50 minutes of each other on 16/08/86. Guess who else now has a birthday on 16 August? YEP. Lucy was born yesterday after SPONTANEOUS labour on the same day as her parents! The chances of that happening are 1 in 48 million!"
Read more at http://www.9news.com.au/national/2016/08/18/16/10/queensland-baby-girl-a-1-in-48-million-shot#fdDtK8yF7vWbacw2.99
 
I laughed so hard I thought it was well placed in a jokes thread.
 
Aced medicine, failed math.
 
LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Aug 2016 at 12:27am
Dear Airlines,


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG, good-looking strippers!

What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win - win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Reagan, the Bushes or Obama think of this? Why do I still have
to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Donald Trump.

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Aug 2016 at 9:40pm
NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says......


"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another
mosque being built in Toronto.

I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant
regardless of their religious beliefs.

Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban
Cowboy" and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of
Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret" with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the
goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex
toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and
on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered ."

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they
demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for
others."

Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing
this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is
either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to
put your camel to bed!!!!

 

 

Virus-free. www.avast.com

 

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Gay3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jan 2017 at 2:18pm
A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.
Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?"
"Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R."
"Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?"
Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable."
"That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?"
"Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again."
"OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?"
"My dad works for Ladbrokes, miss," says little Johnny.
"Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell Ladbrokes?"
To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes cup cake in that book."
Experience is something you gain a few minutes after you could have used it!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jan 2017 at 9:05pm
Paraprosdokians were apparently a Winston Churchill favourite, but what the heck are they?

According to the Macquarie Dictionary, a paraprosdokian is:

a figure of speech in which the latter part of an idiom, proverb, or well-known expression or formula of words is altered to make an unexpected and humorous ending.

Well they were humorous enough to get Winston giggling, so they must be funny.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with “Good Evening”, then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘Emergency contact’, I put ‘doctor’.

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive unless you want to do it again.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26.  Where there’s a will, there are relatives.

27.  If you would like to have a million dollars then start with two million.

28.  During WWII Sir Winston Churchill address to congress began with:
“It has often been said that Britain and America are two nations divided only by a common language”.

An the finale:

29. I am supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

 

animals before people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jayzaa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Jan 2017 at 10:20am
An old gentleman is standing is standing at the gates of Heaven trying to remember his name so St. Peter can look it up in the Big Book. Peter isn’t sure what to do, so he asks Jesus for help.

Jesus says to the man, “Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory.”

The old man says, “Well, I had one child, a son.”

Jesus smiles, “Oh, I was an only child. Go on.”

“I was… some kind of woodworker – a carpenter, perhaps,” says the man.

Jesus says, “Huh, another coincidence. Can you remember anything else?”

The old man shakes his head and says, “You might not believe it but my son came to life by a miracle!”

Jesus’ jaw drops, he smiles and tears come to his eyes. “Father?” he asks.

The old man’s eyes open wide, “Pinocchio?”

www.keffelstein.com

gotta live the dream
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