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Ormond View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 Jul 2008 at 8:09pm
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jul 2008 at 2:28am
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap
on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read

"I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that:
No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give
him such a right.

He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching
wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he
was about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit on the head
with a golf ball, laying him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the
deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other
hand holding up 4 fingers.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Jul 2008 at 8:06am
A young fella approaches a stuck-up looking old sales assistant at the counter of a chemist shop.
"Give'us a dozen condoms, miss"
The old bag gives him a disgusted look and says " don't you 'miss' me, young man"
"Ok" says the young fella " make it thirteen then"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jul 2008 at 7:40am
Only a Aussie man can make you feel like a woman ......



A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and
Things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,'
she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman
in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...


'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'   


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote benny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jul 2008 at 7:22pm
When i woke up this morning, my missus asked "did you sleep good?", i said "no,i made a few mistakes"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 6:45am
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote patchy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 7:23am
I like this sensitive side of you Ormond.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 7:42am
Why thankyou I'm very sensitive
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote benny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 7:37pm
why cant a blonde dial 911?
 
Cause she cant find 11
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Relampago Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 9:13pm

A North Queenslander is drinking in a NSW bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical North Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the North Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in where I come from... like I said, my boy is a typical North Queensland baby boy."

 Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of 'STREWTH'! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, you're the father of that typical North Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you; so how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, '17 pounds.'

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.'

The North Queensland father takes a slow swig from his XXXX beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says...

 'Had him circumcised.'

Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009!
Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hobo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 11:40pm
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.


'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant.'
Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. 'What are those?, asks the attendant. 'They're called tees' replies Tiger. 'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman. 'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger.
'Fook me', says the Irishman, 'BMW thinks of everything.'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jul 2008 at 11:44pm
If you are planning a game this weekend - here are a few terms to use;
Just for golfers..... some new terminology

* A *Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole
* A *Salman Rushdie* - an impossible read
* A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but it wasn't.
* A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution
* An *Elton John *- a big bender that lips the rim
* An *Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker
* A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker straight into another
* A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
* A *Kate Winslett* - little bit fat but otherwise perfect
* A *Glen Miller* - didn't make it over the water
* A *Rodney King* - over-clubbed
* An *O. J. Simpson* - got away with it
* A * Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver
* A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver
* A *Michael Jackson* - gradually fading
* A *Ladyboy* - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
* A *condom* - safe but didn't feel real good
* A *circus tent* - a BIG top
* An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
* A * Brazilian* - Shaves both sides of the hole .
*A *Jeb Bush*--too far to the right, out of play

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jul 2008 at 5:35am
Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life... In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I said to her:

'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

....I ALMOST DIED!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote waggamick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jul 2008 at 5:39am
The Difference between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between guts and balls:

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are given below:

GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there's no difference in the outcome,since both ultimately result in instant death
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote waggamick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jul 2008 at 5:43am
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"

"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.

"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your ......."

"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jul 2008 at 7:23pm

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 Jul 2008 at 7:25am
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he gave it to him. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2008 at 6:55am
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Aug 2008 at 7:04am
Joe and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Joe said, "Man I wish we had something to drink!". Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna
try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Joe wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! No Hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says "How do you feel this morning?" Joe says, "I feel great - how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Joe says "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do
this more often. Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that? Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well DONT, cause I'm in Perth!!"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Aug 2008 at 2:49am

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That's cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sues father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2008 at 3:10am
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

' Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

' Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on   County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck! '


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2008 at 6:40am
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach 

and BBQ's


He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQ's,and God saw that it was good.

On theSecond Day, God created water - for surfing,-swimmingand BBQ's on the beach , and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants 
 to provide malt
and yeast for beer
and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals

and crustaceans  for chops, sausages,steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. 

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke
 to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates,and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer
  cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good ... 
Well. . Almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas
to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.
It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!



IT WAS
 AUSTRALIA!!!!!


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Aug 2008 at 8:01pm
A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, 'I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT.'

HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Aug 2008 at 7:43am
white guy is walking along a beach when he comes
Across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks
Up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has
been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde
genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom,
in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful
Women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to
Explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet,
He looks down and the floor is covered in $100
Bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door.

He answers it and standing there are two persons
Dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
Outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
Limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.


As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove
Their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.


One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
Understand the first wish having all these beautiful
Women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jarryd Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Aug 2008 at 7:57am
Originally posted by Ormond Ormond wrote:

A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, 'I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT.'

HE REPLIES, 'YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!"
LOLLOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Aug 2008 at 6:20pm
L-O-N-G L-O-N-G JOKE


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and
then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.... And
you're single. Just let it go.'


But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.




Whispering.....












Dave.......













Dave.........














Dave........











Dave ..............



















Dave........












.........you're a vet Dave.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Aug 2008 at 4:32am
Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said,
'Julia,I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters.'
'Good idea Leader, how will we go about it?' said Julia.
'Well,' said Rudd, 'we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush.'
'Right.' Said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

'G'day mate,' said Rudd to the bartender, 'two middies of your best beer.'
'Good afternoon Leader,' said the bartender, 'two middies of our best coming up.'

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again
to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail,looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
'Tell me,' said Rudd, 'why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?'

'Strewth no!' said the barman.
'Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two ar5eholes!'

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Aug 2008 at 8:07pm
Aunty Sharon
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day
the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg
laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

That was a fine story Emily. Mick, do you have a story to
share?"

"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the piss."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jolls Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Aug 2008 at 10:36pm
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical
procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.


'Nurse', he mumbles from behind the mask, 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your
upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir!!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'
Season 2012 = 102 Years since Collingwood has beaten Carlton in a Grand Final.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote waggamick Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Aug 2008 at 10:07pm
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dea r,' he said.
'Of course, John ,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I

have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison.'

The Dude Abides
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