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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Slim Pickens Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Jul 2008 at 4:37am
New definition

 

The  following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year’s term was: Political  Correctness

The winner wrote:

“Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and  rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the  proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.  

The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.  

As they went along they passed some people 
Who remarked it was a shame the old man was

Walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,

So they changed positions.


Then, later, they passed some people who remarked, 
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'

So they then decided they'd both walk!  

Soon they passed some more people who thought 
They were stupid to walk when they had a decent

Donkey to ride.  

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by

Saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, 
So they decide to carry the donkey.   

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the

Animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?


If you try to please everyone, 

You might as well...

 


Kiss your ass goodbye!

Who says i'm dumb?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Jul 2008 at 7:33am
Why Condoms Come IN Boxes Of 3, 6, And 12


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.Men use them to have safe sex.
""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in healthclass at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for
Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.""Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO forSaturday, and TWO for Sunday.""WOW!" exclaimed the boy,
"then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married working men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for
March....."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jul 2008 at 12:39am
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jul 2008 at 12:46am
A man was driving over the sydney harbour bridge, when he saw his girlfriend standing on the edge ready to jump off.

He pulled over and said "My god sheila, what on earth are you doing ?"

She replied, "well you got me pregnant so now i'm gonna finish myself off".

To which he replied, "Geez your not only a good sh@g, but a good sport too".

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jul 2008 at 4:46am
A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through
the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 8:50am
Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.


He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before
she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he
asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;
"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars;

Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna
bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 8:57am
NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!


A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 9:02am
At the concert


At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet.

Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone....

"I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies....."

An Aussie voice from the front of the audience yells out...





"Then stop clappin', ya d**khead !"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 9:14am
Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
'Darling, this is the pig I have s€x with when you have a headache.'
       
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you
d!ckhead.'

The bloke says: ' I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.'




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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 9:22am
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and feeling real horny , nudges
his wife awake and asks Why don't we get it on ,eh? She replies ,
I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't
like to make love the night before . " So the husband agrees and rolled
back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later , he nudges his wife again and asks " you don't by
any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you ?

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 9:27am
Joe and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Joe said, "Man I wish we had something to drink!". Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna
try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Joe wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! No Hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says "How do you feel this morning?" Joe says, "I feel great - how about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Joe says "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do
this more often. Yeah, well there's just one thing."

"What's that? Have you farted yet?"

"No."

"Well DONT, cause I'm in Perth!!"


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Jul 2008 at 7:28pm
Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Jul 2008 at 2:23am
The Pearly Gates

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty
people from REDFERN showed up.   

Never having seen anyone from Redfern at heaven's door,
Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After
hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten
most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless
and said, "They're gone!"   

"What? All of the people from Redfern are gone?" asked God.   

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

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Subject: 1...2....3...................4

A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom.   
He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year.
   
All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another whole year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "123" and he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 Jul 2008 at 9:43pm
Recognise the caller anyone ????

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:        'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:        'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:        'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared'
Operator:        'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:        'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:        'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:        'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:        'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:        'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:        'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:        'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:        'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:               'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing studid to own a computer!!!!
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Bill and Bob, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. During the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Jul 2008 at 8:34am
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

' I can cut them for you ' said the chemist
' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

' I am 96 ' said the old man .
' I don't want an erection .

I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't p i s s on my slippers


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Subject: Golf




A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said
To the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry!    I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about
the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.

We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's

9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
Brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jul 2008 at 6:36pm
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelt the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good..........Well almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was  just good. It was better than good, it was Bloody Awesome!

All this place needed was a name.

God said, let this be called.......AUSTRALIA



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote benny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Jul 2008 at 11:44pm
Wayne Bennett has banned all Broncos players from walking their pets, apparently is very worried about his players inability to hold onto leads!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote benny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 12:03am
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit  it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote benny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 12:18am
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?'
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,

'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 7:01am
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk
continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'
'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote benny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 Jul 2008 at 9:15pm

The Broken Lawn Mower
 
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.   

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrive d home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.   

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'   

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Slim Pickens Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Jul 2008 at 5:57am

Chinese Wedding Night 
 
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. 
 
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....
 
'You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?' 

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

   

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi.

   

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'  

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'  

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'  

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)    

Dog: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'  

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And  takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'  

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'  

Horse: 'Cool.'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) 

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the  villager) 

Horse: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'  

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes  me down often and keeps me in the shed  to protect me from the elements.' 

Kiwi: (total look of amazement) 

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'  

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a   f*****' liar......!!'  

Who says i'm dumb?
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  THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

           Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror
           complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
           Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
           uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want
           your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
           paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'
            Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
           stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
            ' How long will this take?' I asked.
            ' They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband
           replies.
            I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
           paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger
           over the years?'
            Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't
           it?'
            He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may
           even walk again although he will probably continue to take his
           meals through a straw.
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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009!
Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009!
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Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''

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A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
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