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benny View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote benny Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Jokes
    Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 5:30am
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.

They hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.' Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through.' Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park...........'

Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit,
Norman says 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?'
_________________
 

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons.
She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
_________________
 
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great, tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean "more"?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said....

"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Priceline and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
_________________
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote paulandba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 6:46am
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads,
'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as
Promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
'If I catch you, your arse is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 5:25pm
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an
Aussie
were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front
of
them.   

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've
never
seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic
priest
said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group
ahead
of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so
we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.The Catholic priest said, 'That's so
sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The Indian doctor
said,
'Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f*cking play at night?'



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 5:27pm
A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field
standing alone, while all the the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'Are you OK?' she
says.

'Yes.' he says.

You can go and play with the other kids you know.' She says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because I'm the goalie.'

.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 5:30pm
A couple were watching the DISCOVERY Channel about an African "bush" tribe whose men all had 24 inch penises.
When the male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around the penis, and a weight attached. After a while the penis stretches to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband got out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said : "How about we try the African string, and weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband:" How is our little "tribal experiment" coming along ? "
"Well, it looks like we're about halfway there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No - it's turned black !"


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 5:31pm
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

'To My Dear Wife.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

'My Dear Husband.
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:

'18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

'Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.'


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 5:35pm
A jackeroo in Australia was out checking farm fences in his ute when he hit something. He radioed the homestead for advice.

"There's a pig stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's
kicking and squealing so much I can't get him free" he said.

"Okay," said the boss. "In the back of the ute there's a .303. Put it up to the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush."

About 45 minutes later the jackeroo called in again, "I did what you said, "Boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on."

"Why not?" asked the boss. "What's the problem?"

"Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under
the wheel-arch."



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 8:51pm
A big fat slapper walks up to the counter of a shop with 3 kids trailing behind her.. a 10 y.o chinese looking boy, a 16 y.o half caste negro and a 3 y.o of indian descent. The shop keeper asks "triplets ?"
The fat hump looks at the kids and asks why on earth would you think that ???
The shopkeeper replies I just can't believe you'd get 3 phucks in a lifetime
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 8:54pm
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said,
so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,'Do you shave?'
'No', replied the girl. 'Ive just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'
'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?' 'Yes', he said. 'But why did you have to show her yours?'

'Why not?'she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the f***ing darts team hadn't'!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 9:00pm
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Relampago Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 9:01pm
Three practising nuns were riding their bikes out the front of the orphanage one day when the head nun order them to come inside...
 
"just 5 more minutes" they pleaded... So she agreed.
 
She came out in 5 mins and again ordered them indside...
 
"just 2 more minutes" they pleeded... So she agrees.
 
She came out in 2 mins and again ordered them inside...
 
"justy one more minute" they pleeded... With that she replied:
 
"If you lot don't come back inside now, I'll be forced to put the seats back on your bikes!!!"
Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Relampago Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 11:07pm
A teacher was teaching her English class when she asked for a word from the Dictionary... All the class put their hands up, but the teacher chose Jenny, the teachers pet...
 
"Whats your word Jenny" she said... "Beautiful, miss" Jenny replied...
 
"Can you put that into a sentence Jenny"..."your a beautiful teacher miss" she said to score more browny points...
 
Then little Johnny started laughing up the back... "Well Johnny, do you have a word for us?"... "Urinate" he replied... Taking a breathe she asked "Well can you put that into a sentence for us all Johnny??"...
 
"Well, My Dad says Urinate (Your-An-Eight), but if you had bigger tits youd be a ten!"
*****************************************
 
Later that day the teacher went to the front of the classroom and asked...
 
"Class, I have something thats Orange and round behind my back, what is it?" Again the class all went up as one, and again she chose Jenny... "Its an Orange miss" to which she replied "Good Girl Jenny, Now I have something thats Red and round behind my back, what is it?" The whole class went up but again she chose Jenny... "Its an Apple miss"..."Ohh, no Jenny its a Cricket Ball, but its nice to see your using your imagination!"
 
Again some snickering came from down the back, again it was Johnny...
"Johnny" She screamed... "Yes Miss, I have one for you... Its one inch long and red at the end..."
 
"Johnny, You dirty little boy..." She replied...
 
"No Miss, Its a match-stick, but its nice to see your using your imagination!!!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Relampago Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Jun 2008 at 11:45pm
The teacher was teaching her class again... She left the room to get something from another class-room... One of the kids wrote on the black-board:
 
T T T 1 A
 
When she came in she was furious... "who wrote this"... Michael jumped up and said "Me Miss, it stands for... To The Teacher 1 Apple...", "well thats nice" she said, and let Michael be...
 
She left the room again to return the item she borrowed... One of the kids wrote on the black-board:
 
T T T 1 O
 
When she came in she was furious... "who wrote this"... Peter jumped up and said "Me Miss, it stands for... To The Teacher 1 Orange...", "well thats nice" she said, and let Peter be...
 
The teacher then had to go to the staff room... Tan (Johnny's best mate, a young asian lad) jumped up and wrote on the black-board:
 
F U C K 1 T
 
When she came in she was furious, reading it she was ready to suspend someone... "who wrote this"... Peter jumped up and said "Me Miss, it stands for... From Us Coloured Kids 1 Tomato!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Slim Pickens Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jun 2008 at 5:09am

BRAVE MAN JOKES..... 


  How do you turn a chick into an elephant?
> Marry It!
>
> What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
> A battery has a positive side.
>
> What are the three fastest means of communication?
> 1) Internet
> 2) Telephone
> 3) Telawoman
>
> How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
> They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
>
> How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
> Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
>
> How is a woman like a condom?
> Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
>
> What should you give a woman who has everything?
> A man to show her how to work it.
>
> Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
> Because you could easily fit another pair of boobs in there.
>
> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
> Put a nipple on it.
>
> Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
> Because they don't have balls to scratch.
>
> Why did God create woman ?
> To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
>
> Why do women fake orgasms ?
> Because they think men care.
>
> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>
> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
> Made her chain too long
>
> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
>
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
>
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>
> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
>
> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>
> Why do men pass gas more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
>
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> A woman who won't do what she's told
>
> I married a Miss Right.
> I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
> by 90%.
> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
>
> Women will never be equal to men...
> until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> Then God created Man and rested.
> Then God created Woman.
> Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

Who says i'm dumb?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Slim Pickens Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jun 2008 at 5:10am
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'
And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...

'W I N A B A G E L'
Who says i'm dumb?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jun 2008 at 9:56pm
A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f%#*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jun 2008 at 6:46pm
A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and give your wife one while you were off fishing,
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'


'The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about being related,

but it would make us even.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jun 2008 at 6:18am
No more Butter
>
> Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and
> found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
>
> Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
> buttercup in the patch.
>
> All of a sudden ... P O O F!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
> appeared.
>
> She said, 'Im Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
> buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you wont have any butter for
>
> your popcorn for the rest of your life.'
>
> 'Better still, you wont have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
>
> life. ... As a matter of fact, youll never have any butter for anything for
>
> the rest of your life!!!!!'
>
> Then P OOF! .. she was gone!
>
> After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Henry,
> where are you?'
>
> Henry yells back 'Im over here in the pussy willows.'
>
> Larry shouts back, 'DONT SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DONT SWING!'
>
>



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jun 2008 at 6:27am
A guy is walking through Kings Cross when he's approached by an aging hooker.

The old tart says to him "This is your lucky day, for $20 I do anything for you as long as you can describe the act in just 3 words"

The guy scratches his head for a few seconds, gets out $20 and says......"Paint my house"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Slim Pickens Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Jul 2008 at 4:02am
When Cardboard Men Come In Handy
-------------------------------------------------
A car gets a flat on the interstate one
day.
The blonde driver eases it over onto the
shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds
them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench
coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching
drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes
snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car
arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the
disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the
woman calmly.

'Well, what the heck are these obscene
cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blond.
'Those are my emergency flashers!'
--------------------------------------------------------------
Men are just happier
> >
> >
> > NICKNAMES
> >
> > If Laura, Karen and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other
> > Laura, Karen and Sarah.
> > If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
> > other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
> >
> > EATING OUT
> >
> > When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Dan will each throw in $20, even
> > though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
> > and none will actually admit they want change back.
> > When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
> >
> > MONEY
> >
> > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> > A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on
> > sale.
> >
> > BATHROOMS
> >
> > A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
> > shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
> > The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A
> > man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
> >
> > ARGUMENTS
> >
> > A woman has the last word in any argument.
> > Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> >
> > FUTURE
> >
> > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> > A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> >
> > SUCCESS
> >
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >
> > MARRIAGE
> >
> > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> > A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
> >
> > DRESSING UP
> >
> > A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
> > trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
> > A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
> >
> > NATURAL
> >
> > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> > Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> >
> > OFFSPRING
> >
> > Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
> > dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
> > secret fears and hopes and dreams.
> > A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
> >
> > THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
> > A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
> > people remembering the same thing!

THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF


A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of  women are hitting from the ladies' tees.  The ladies are taking their time.  When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet.  She goes over and whiffs it completely.  Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.  She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'


He never even had a chance to duck. !!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH A SHUTTER SPEED SO FAST, THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT.

A WOMAN STANDING NUDE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR, SAYS TO HER HUSBAND, I LOOK HORRIBLE, I FEEL FAT & UGLY, PAY ME A COMPLIMENT. 
HE REPLIES, YOUR EYESIGHT IS PERFECT!
 

WIFE GETS NAKED & ASKS HUBBY, WHAT TURNS YOU ON MORE, MY PRETTY FACE OR MY SEXY BODY? 
HUBBY LOOKS HER UP & DOWN AND REPLIES, YOUR F***IN SENSE OF HUMOUR!

Who says i'm dumb?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jolls Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jul 2008 at 1:53am
 
 
Young fella getting stuck in early!!
Season 2012 = 102 Years since Collingwood has beaten Carlton in a Grand Final.
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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.   
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get 'em.
Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted.

COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW YAH HEAR ME !!!'

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ormond Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Jul 2008 at 5:54pm
The Professor was showing the new Medical Students through thier hospital.
They walked into the first room and a Nurse was giving the male patient a fast hand masturbation ...The Students looked horrified.
The Professor said settle down , we all have needs and the nurse is creating what is a natural body function for the benefit of the Patient..
Into the second room and the Patient had nurse giving a head job with real meaning.
The Professor noted the shock to the students and quickly said ....It's all right ,
HE HAS PRIVATE HEALTH COVER

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A guy walks into the Centrelink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

The worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The Centrelink worker said, "Yeah, well you started it."

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The bartender says," you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly".

And the pirate says, Arrr,Its driving me nuts.

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A man with a gun walks into a bank and demanded their money.Once he was given the money,he turned to a customer and asked,"Did you see me rob this bank"?The woman replied,"Yes sir,I did" The robber then shot her in the temple,killing her instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and ask the man,"Did you see me rob this bank"The man replied,"No sir,I didn't but my wife did"

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A man with a gun walks into a bank and demanded their money.Once he was given the money,he turned to a customer and asked,"Did you see me rob this bank"?The woman replied,"Yes sir,I did" The robber then shot her in the temple,killing her instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and ask the man,"Did you see me rob this bank"The man replied,"No sir,I didn't but my wife did"

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Larry gets home late one night and wife Linda says where have you been,Larry says getting a tattoo.
A tattoo she said,what kind of tattoo did you get?
I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates.
Why on earth would a accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?
Well one I like watching my money grow.2 once in a while I like to play with my money.3 I like how money feels in my hand.And lastly,instead of you going out shopping,you can stay at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.
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Mad Wife Disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

'What was that for?' he asked. 'That was for the piece of paper in
your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.

'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.

'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a
good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was
that for?'

She replied, 'Your horse called.'
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A guy comes home late one night with lipstick on his collar.

His wife freaks out and demands an explanation of how it got there, "I had to wipe my di*k on something" he explained.
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