Jokes

This guy goes to the doctor complaining of a sore hip and so he is ordered to strip down to the buff.

The doctor steps back to check the hip for swelling and is distracted, 'How come you've got brown balls?'

The guy says, 'I came about my hip'.

'Okay', the doc says, 'I want you to get your wife to... I can't believe you have brown balls. I brought you into the world, your mother's white, so is your father... How on earth could you have brown balls?'

'It's my hip, doc, my hip'.

'Oh, okay, get your wife to rub this cream into your hip for fifteen minutes every morning and fifteen minutes every evening for three weeks... but I can't believe what I'm seeing here.'

So the guy goes home and gives the news to his wife: '... fifteen minutes every morning, fifteen minutes every evening... you rub it in.'

She is not impressed and fulminates, 'How am I going to find half an hour every day? I get up at six, make your breakfast, cut your lunch, drive you to the station, then it's the kids' turn. I do the shopping, and the garden, trim the hedge, get the dinner ready, clean up afterwards, do the dishes, then the vacuuming... I haven't got time to wipe my arse.'

He said, 'That's another thing I want to see you about'.

hey freddo,

A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.

As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.'

The blonde stops and says, 'No, its mustard this time.'

Gold waggamick !

Thank the F$#K I speak aussie

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred? '

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have
sex until late at night. The next day it starts again. '

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Mildura.'

An old biker on a summer ride in the country walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads

CHEESEBURGER     $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH    $2.50
HAND JOB     $200

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering" whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who
gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes" she purrs, "I am".
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger".

Guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
He shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
the rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

An American businessman was in Japan.



He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.



She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to mean pleasurable..



The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".



The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What do you mean, wrong hole."

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F..k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older. One said, 'Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich' .
The second lady chimed in, 'Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.'
The third one responded, 'Well, I am glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood, 'as she rapped her knuckles on the table. She looked up and said, 'That must be the door, I'll get it!' 
 

INEXPERIENCED CURRY TASTER

Named FRANK, who was
visiting India from the U.S.
"Recently I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are
the scorecards from the event:
___________________________________________
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
__________________________________
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
___________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn down the Barn curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now;
get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.

__________________________
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other >mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is
curry an aphrodisiac?

__________________________________________
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them!

_________________________________________
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl*t
Savathree,she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
_______________________________________________
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
ursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a F@cking thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F@ck it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

___________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild
nor hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

A True Male




A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided
to take a holiday .

He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life.

That is, until the ship sank!

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the
most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island.
I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes.
'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'

'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw
materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum
tree branches.

I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came
from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side
of the Island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the
house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home.
Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'

'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still.
How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they
sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the
woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the
bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.

Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside
a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for?'

She stares into his eyes...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
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'F*****G Hell, don't tell me you've got Sky?'

The Dead Horse and Vet School



First-year students at the UC Davis Equine Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead horse.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead horse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead horse and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'