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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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SNIFFER DOG.
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENT and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it was levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shxt all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.' !!!!!!!! |
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saintly96
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Nunya biz Status: Offline Points: 12926 |
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1. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember, what I chose. 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. 8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 9. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. 10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 11. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 12. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing...... 13. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man 's life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't. 14. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes. 15. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !! |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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A Collingwood supporter catches the eye of a gay man in a bar. The gay guy thinks it over many times, but after much consideration gathers the courage to make a move on the Collingwood supporter. He goes up close to him and whispers in his ear, would you like a blowjob?
The Collingwood supporter immediatley picks up his barstool and smashes it over the head of the man, and then precedes to kick and punch him several times and throw him out of the bar. The bartender is shocked and says 'What the hell? What did he whisper to you?' The Collingwood supporter replies 'I dunno mate, something about a job' |
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Relampago
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Manangatang Status: Offline Points: 5347 |
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> >A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a
> >glass of champagne. > > > >The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass of > >champagne, too!" > > > >"What a coincidence" the farmer says. "This is a special day for me, > > and > >I'm celebrating." > > > >"This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating!" says the > > woman. > > > >"What a coincidence!" says the farmer." > > > >As they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?" > > > >"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my > >gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" > > > >"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years > > all > >of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized > > eggs". > > > >"That's great!" says the woman . "How did your chickens become > > fertile?" > > > >"I used a different cock," he replied. > > > >The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence" |
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Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!
Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009! Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009! |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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How's your day been?
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck. "How's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie" "No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fxcking day!" |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crxp out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!" The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride. The Judge says," OK". "Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!" Paddy replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my bloody fingers. |
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The Muffin Man
Champion Joined: 16 May 2007 Status: Offline Points: 6389 |
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Grant Hackett |
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"Well, I will never post again, if the Oz dollar doesnt go below 80 cents within the year 2012." - Occy22
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patchy
Champion Joined: 21 Jun 2008 Location: Brisbane Status: Offline Points: 601 |
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OOOOOOOOOOOH LOW BLOW
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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Bed sheets
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?' The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the sh1t out of a ghost.' |
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waggamick
Champion Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 7140 |
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Winner!
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The Dude Abides
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Maximillions
Champion Joined: 26 May 2008 Location: Queenslanda !!! Status: Offline Points: 6207 |
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.' 'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the>> genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' 'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. ' NO sh*t.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?' |
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Forget the odds.....You are Unstoppable !
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waggamick
Champion Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 7140 |
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Paddy's pregnant sister was
in a terrible accident and went into a deep
coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months,she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.. The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them for you. The woman thinks to herself, Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a fecking clueless idiot... Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, Well, what's my daughter's name? 'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother', she thought....'I really like Denise ' Then she asks, ' What's the boy's name?' The doctor replies ' Denephew ' |
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The Dude Abides
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waggamick
Champion Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 7140 |
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Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now." The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby." Mom says, "He's a martyr now." "Oh, so sad, my dear." Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21." "Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born." Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too." "Oh gracious me," says the second mother. "And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mom whispers. "Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?" |
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The Dude Abides
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waggamick
Champion Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 7140 |
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There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" 10. "What the @#$% was that?" 9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" 8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." 7. "It @#$%ing does SO look like her!" 6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" 5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" 4. "Where the @#$% are we?" 3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" 2. "Aw c'mon--who the @#$% is going to find out?" and a drum roll please............! 1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this %#*^ing mad." |
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The Dude Abides
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waggamick
Champion Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 7140 |
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Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die, I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. But you may choose." Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow. Along came a rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm," said the rooster. "How does it feel?" "Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation! Have you never laid an egg before?" "No, how do I do that?" Harry asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop', an egg was on the ground. "Wow," Harry said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're sh*tting all over the bed!" |
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The Dude Abides
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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I stopped at a friends place the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.
When I asked if he was getting any flies he said "yeah 3 males and 2 females" Curious,I asked how can you tell the difference He answered 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.'
'Perfect,' her husband said.' I was just in the bathroom powdering my Old Fella with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you.' |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun
He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. "Did anybody else here see my face?". The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. "Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.. "I think my missus caught a glimpse...." |
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Relampago
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Manangatang Status: Offline Points: 5347 |
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LOVE IT
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Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!
Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009! Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009! |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 10 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man preparing to jump
off a ledge of a tall building. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer hesitated, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took her money. |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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My wife asked me how many women I had slept with.
I proudly replied,'only you darling.with others I was awake |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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Mad Wife Disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. 'What was that for?' he asked. 'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied. 'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained. 'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.' Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?' She replied, 'Your horse called.' |
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Relampago
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Manangatang Status: Offline Points: 5347 |
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Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!
Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009! Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009! |
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation,someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. 'Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.' 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.' As Lars is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. .....be some drinkin'.' 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.' Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.' 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.' 'More'n likely be some wild sex, too.' 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?' 'Don't much matter.. Just gonna be the two of us |
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waggamick
Champion Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 7140 |
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A goodun'
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The Dude Abides
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Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
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Xolento
Champion Joined: 23 Feb 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 4517 |
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have Praise." Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.'" |
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Xolento
Champion Joined: 23 Feb 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 4517 |
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Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles ups the road. Having a party Friday night thought you might like to come... about 5:00." "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!" Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us." |
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Xolento
Champion Joined: 23 Feb 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 4517 |
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Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they finally retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are absolutely killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales worked on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, my darling! But it's just so blooming tight!" "Come on, my prince! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when the shoe released, Charles let out a loud groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Aaahh! Oh, God, that feels sooo good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See? I told you with a face like that, she would still be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, bloody hell, darling! This one's even tighter!" To which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy - once a Navy man, always a Navy man!" |
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