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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 51994 |
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A man escaped from prison where he has been for 15 years. He broke into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!" |
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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Airline Announcements?
United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're
not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it! ************************************* On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take
all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have. ' ************************************* 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
only 4 ways out of this airplane' ************************************* An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'
He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot
down?' *************************************** As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald
Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!' ******************************************* After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms
in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has
shifted after a landing like that.' ************************************* Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal.' ************************************* Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo ,
Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight
it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!' *********************************** 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments.' *********************************** 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.' ****************************************** Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City . The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know
what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.' **************************************** After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the
attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And,
once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.' **************************************** Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
of US Airways.' **************************************** Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and
gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the
wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.' **************************************** A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising
altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have
a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry i f I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!' |
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animals before people.
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RED HUNTER
Champion Joined: 21 Jun 2010 Location: PERTH Status: Offline Points: 16334 |
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https://web.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10207196235538544&set=p.10207196235538544&type=3
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RED HUNTER
Champion Joined: 21 Jun 2010 Location: PERTH Status: Offline Points: 16334 |
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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> THE OLD CATTLE
KING
> > > Mr. Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old > cattle station owner, in town. > > Tom had lost his wife the year before. Rumour had it he was marrying a > 'mail order' bride. > > Mr. Peabody asked Tom if the rumor was true. > > Tom replied, "Yes, it is true." > Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?" > Tom replied, "She'll be 21 in November." > > Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young > woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man. > > Mr. Peabody wanted Tom's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully > suggested that Tom should consider getting a jackaroo to help him out > on the property, knowing nature would take its own course. > > Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired > hand that very afternoon. > > Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Tom in town again. > > Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?" > > Tom replied, "Good. She's pregnant." > > Mr. Peabody was pleased his sage advice had worked out so well. > He asked, "And how's the hired hand?" > > Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too!" > Never underestimate old men. Here,s one for Macca
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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Mama taught her well! You've
got to love this little girl.
What a woman she'll make.
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it. The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room. |
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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A
father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university. "I feel
it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education. You do
not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a
gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I
die." And
so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial
planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had
come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, it was the doctor who put ten $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 there. Finally,
it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took
out his cheque book, wrote a cheque for $3,000, put it into his father's
coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. He later went on to become a politician. |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was
at work.Â
>One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, >she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. > > > 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and >jump out the window. My husband's home early!' > > > 'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!' > > > 'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill >us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper >and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!' > > > So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his >clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran >down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly >discovered he had run right into the middle of >the town's annual marathon, so he started >running along beside the others, about 300 of them. > > > Being naked, with his clothes tucked under >his arm, he tried to blend in as best he >could. After a little while a small group of >runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, joggedcloser. > > > Do you always run in the nude?' one asked. > > > 'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!' > > > Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you >always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' > > > 'Oh, yes' our friend answered >breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed >right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!' > > > Then a third runner cast his eyes a little >lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?' > > > > 'Nope... just when it's raining.' |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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>Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.
> >The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, > >'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. > >We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.' >'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?' > >'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc. >'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' > >'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra. >'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc. >'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars >and wait for one to unlock the car door. >Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the gelati out of them and >eat 'em!' > >'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not >getting any real nourishment. >See, by the time you finish shaking the gelati out of a Politician, > >there's nothing much left but an Christmas pudding with a briefcase |
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides out to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They
are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they
change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white
horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Obama and says: "Mr
President, please accept my deepest regrets... I am sure you understand
there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses." |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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animals before people.
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Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
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Dizzy
Premium Joined: 17 Sep 2013 Location: Canberra Status: Offline Points: 16853 |
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thanks PT.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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These two, short sentences tell
you a lot about our governments and our culture:-
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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"The Budget should be balanced, the
Treasury should be refilled, the
arrogance of officialdom should be and the
assistance to foreign lands should be People
must again learn to work - Cicero , 55 BC So, evidently we've learned bugger all over the past 2,071 years. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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animals before people.
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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 51994 |
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I think we all owe AA a round of applause for her copy/pasting skills it's only taken her about 4yrs to acquire them
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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AA has become one of the stars of the show . Loved her one about more f?ing ducks than you can wave a stick at. YES , A real Lady.
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Isaac soloman
Champion Joined: 13 Oct 2015 Status: Offline Points: 6085 |
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Passing Throughs contribution proves that a picture is worth a thousand words
Whoops, I just got rid of it as it was only one of those little box icons that don't open Edited by Gay3 - 30 May 2016 at 11:15am |
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 19 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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Thank You, Gay !! Who says I am slow !!! However !! Posting pics may take another 4 years !!! If I just had some kids I could borrow for an afternoon |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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Well thankee ,,,Macca,,,
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animals before people.
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maccamax
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That's OK Acacia . Your not on your own. I'm hopeless on these more involved technology procedures too.
I have PT and Co sending me to the dictionary daily , SCOTT is analysing our Hinglish , We have it made . I might get a degree one day . . Next time Coles or Woolies put them on special . That's where most of them come from.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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Lol at Macca,, Got to agree.
I might get a degree too, from Woolies or Aldi . All those bits of paper, saying how smart you are |
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animals before people.
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Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
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maccamax
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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A rich Arab
walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close
by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be that bright to know the guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everybody can hear "Drinks for everyone in here, but not for the Jew over there." Soon after the drinks are handed out, the Jew gives a big smile, waves at him then says "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy He who continues to smile and again yells "Thank you !" The Arab asks the bartender "What the hell is the matter with that Jew ? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all he does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41477 |
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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a
husband's point of view)..................By
Pam Ayres
This one is for Macca. Sorry I dont know how to remove the virus free logo below
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animals before people.
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