Jokes

Airline Announcements?

 

 

 

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

 

 

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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

 

 

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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

 

 

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.'  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

 

 

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

 

 

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

 

 

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

 

 

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella,  WHOA!'

 

 

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

 

 

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

 

 

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

 

 

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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

 

 

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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

 

 

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

 

 

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.

Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

 

 

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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

 

 

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

 

 

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .

The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'  Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry i f I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!'

 

 

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing.  You should see the back of mine!'

 

 

 

 

> THE OLD CATTLE KING
>
>
> Mr. Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old
> cattle station owner, in town.
>
> Tom had lost his wife the year before. Rumour had it he was marrying a
> 'mail order' bride.
>
> Mr. Peabody asked Tom if the rumor was true.
>
> Tom replied, "Yes, it is true."
> Mr. Peabody asked, "May I ask the age of your new bride to be?"
> Tom replied, "She'll be 21 in November."
>
> Mr. Peabody, being a wise man, knew the sexual appetite of a young
> woman could not be satisfied by an 80-year-old man.
>
> Mr. Peabody wanted Tom's remaining years to be happy. So he tactfully
> suggested that Tom should consider getting a jackaroo to help him out
> on the property, knowing nature would take its own course.
>
> Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for a hired
> hand that very afternoon.
>
> Four months later, Mr. Peabody saw Tom in town again.
>
> Mr. Peabody asked, "How is your new wife?"
>
> Tom replied, "Good. She's pregnant."
>
> Mr. Peabody was pleased his sage advice had worked out so well.
> He asked, "And how's the hired hand?"
>
> Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too!"
> Never underestimate old men.

>Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.

> 

>The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,

> 

>'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

> 

>We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'

>'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

> 

>'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

>'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

> 

>'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.

>'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.

>'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars

>and wait for one to unlock the car door.

>Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the gelati out of them and

>eat 'em!'

> 

>'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not

>getting any real nourishment.

>See, by the time you finish shaking the gelati out of a Politician,

> 

>there's nothing much left but an Christmas pudding with a briefcase

I DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE. 1.Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help. 6.Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.   7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11.. Law of the Theater & SPORTS ARENA– At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 15.Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

 thanks PT.

Best Quote of any Era

"The Budget should be balanced,

the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced, 

the arrogance of officialdom should be
tempered and controlled,

and the assistance to foreign lands should be
curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt.

People must again learn to work
instead of living on public assistance." 

- Cicero , 55 BC

So, evidently we've learned bugger all over the past 2,071 years.

New South Wales   A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car . “Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival. Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..” The old gentleman paused then said, “Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” “Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper. Queensland The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.” Tasmania A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.” When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world.” South Australia   The young man from SA came running into the store and said to his mate, “Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!” Johnno replied, “Did ya see who it was?” The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the licence plate number.” Western Australia A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “about what?” Victoria The copper pulled up next to the bloke unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch. The copper asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”  “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.”

Gay3 wrote: I think we all owe AA a round of applause for her copy/pasting skills  it's only taken her about 4yrs to acquire them

maccamax wrote: Gay3 wrote: I think we all owe AA a round of applause for her copy/pasting skills  it's only taken her about 4yrs to acquire them      AA has become one of the stars of the show .   Loved her one about  more f?ing ducks than you can wave a stick at.     YES ,  A real Lady.

Lol at Macca,,     Got to agree.   

Passing Through +    >>>>That has be the best post on here ever .   so  clever Through wrote:

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)..................By Pam Ayres

The missus bought a Paperback,
Down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
And stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
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 This one is for Macca.   

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