Go to Villagebet.com.au for free horse racing tips - Click here now |
|
Jokes |
Post Reply | Page <1234 59> |
Author | |||
Slim Pickens
Champion Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 4677 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
New definition The following is
the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University
calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary
term. This
year’s term was: Political
Correctness An old man, a
boy & a donkey were going to town. As they went
along they passed some people Walking and
the boy was riding. So they
changed positions. Soon they
passed some more people who thought Donkey to
ride. So, they both
rode the donkey. Now they
passed some people who shamed them by Saying how
awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. Animal and he
fell into the river and drowned. The
moral of the story?
|
|||
Who says i'm dumb?
|
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
|
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
A man was driving over the sydney harbour bridge, when he saw his girlfriend standing on the edge ready to jump off.
He pulled over and said "My god sheila, what on earth are you doing ?" She replied, "well you got me pregnant so now i'm gonna finish myself off". To which he replied, "Geez your not only a good sh@g, but a good sport too". |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
|
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..." |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
|
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
At the concert
At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.... "I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies....." An Aussie voice from the front of the audience yells out... "Then stop clappin', ya d**khead !" |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
'Darling, this is the pig I have s€x with when you have a headache.' His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you d!ckhead.' The bloke says: ' I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.' |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
|
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Joe and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Joe said, "Man I wish we had something to drink!". Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Joe wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! No Hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says "How do you feel this morning?" Joe says, "I feel great - how about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Joe says "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often. Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that? Have you farted yet?" "No." "Well DONT, cause I'm in Perth!!" |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first. "We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning." Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her." "What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?" As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow." |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
|
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Subject: 1...2....3...................4
A man, getting on in years, finds that he is unable to perform in the bedroom. He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last resort, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then the African medicine man says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The man then asks, "What happens when it's over and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more and is completely exhausted, all she has to say is '1234' and it will then go down. But be warned, it will not rise again for another whole year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife and says "123" and he feels a sudden movement in his trouser department, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for? |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Recognise the caller anyone ????
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' Operator: 'What sort of trouble??' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared' Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing??' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??' Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark??' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. ' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not??' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??' Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing studid to own a computer!!!! |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Bill and Bob, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked. "I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill. "So? Are you afraid?" "No. During the blood test, they cut my finger. As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely. Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?" To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!" |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?' ' I can cut them for you ' said the chemist ' but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. ' ' I am 96 ' said the old man . ' I don't want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't p i s s on my slippers |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Subject: Golf
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said To the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very Brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him." |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach and God saw that it was good. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good. On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelt the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good..........Well almost good. He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was just good. It was better than good, it was Bloody Awesome! All this place needed was a name. God said, let this be called.......AUSTRALIA |
|||
benny
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 1016 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Wayne Bennett has banned all Broncos players from walking their pets, apparently is very worried about his players inability to hold onto leads!!
|
|||
benny
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 1016 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' |
|||
benny
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 1016 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!' Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre ?' says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!' She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie. 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!' She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!' Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, 'PIERRE , WHAT IN THE F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?' Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!' |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.' |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?' 'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery' 'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.' 'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?' 'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.' 'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?' 'Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee. |
|||
benny
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 1016 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
|
|||
Slim Pickens
Champion Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 4677 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Chinese Wedding
Night --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi. 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?' Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?' Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.' Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager) Dog: 'Yep.' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.' Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?' Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.' Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?' Horse: 'Cool.' Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager) Horse: 'Yep.' Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?' Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.' Kiwi: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?' Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar......!!' |
|||
Who says i'm dumb?
|
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds' Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. ' How long will this take?' I asked. ' They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?' He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. |
|||
Relampago
Champion Joined: 12 Jun 2008 Location: Manangatang Status: Offline Points: 5347 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
|
|||
Daintree Duke Fan Club President!!! RIP!!!
Melbourne Autumn Tipping Champion 2009! Melbourne Spring Tipping Champion 2009! |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'' ''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!'' |
|||
Ormond
Champion Joined: 06 Jun 2008 Location: Barwon Heads Status: Offline Points: 20010 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed." |
|||
Post Reply | Page <1234 59> |
Tweet |
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |