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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Very Good AA
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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A retired older couple returned to a Corvette dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, " Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. " Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist? ", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. " There you go," she said. " I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day." Once again ... don't mess with seniors.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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You will like the last one better, Macca
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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I did. The Ladies have it made aye . |
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Whale
Champion Joined: 01 Jun 2009 Location: St Kilda Beach Status: Offline Points: 38719 |
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Saw this joke in the paper yesterday, I like it, not just a joke but a moral to the story
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it
to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy
takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber.
“That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar,
the game is over!”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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GUNNY USMC
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED -- POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY. A retired Marine sergeant named Gunny, drunk and with a ragged dirty look and smelling of last night's rounds, strolled by the building and saw the sign. He went into the building to apply for the position. Aghast at his appearance, the director wondered how to send him away but, to be fair, he gave him a glass of wine to taste. The old "jarhead" held the glass up to his left eye, tilted his head toward incoming sunlight, and studied the contents looking through the glass. He then took a sip and said, "It's a Southern California Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Somewhat low-grade but acceptable." "That's correct," said the boss. Glancing at his assistant he said..."Another one, please." The old Marine took the goblet, full of a deep red liquid, stuck his nose into the glass, sniffed deeply, and took a long slow sip....rolling his eyeballs in a circle, he then looked at the director and said... "It's a Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results." "Absolutely correct. A third glass." said the director. Receiving another glass, again, the Marine eyed the crystal, took in a little bit of the aroma, and sipped very softly.... 'It's a pinot blanc champagne, very high grade and exclusive,'' said the drunk calmly. The director was astonished and winked at his assistant to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a wine glass half-full of urine. The old Sergeant eyed it suspiciously...a color he could not quite recall. He took a sip, swishing it over his tongue and across his teeth, musing upward all the while. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father." NEVER, EVER ... UNDERESTIMATE THE TALENTS OF A UNITED STATES MARINES NON-COMMISSIONED OFFICER! This is for Shammy and many others marines who have served . |
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animals before people.
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ExceedAndExcel
Champion Joined: 20 Dec 2008 Status: Offline Points: 16245 |
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Probably on the lame side but I got a bit of a chuckle when I heard this one a couple of months ago:
If toothbrushes hadn’t been named by a Collingwood supporter they would have been called “teethbrushes”. |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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Sorry, E&E, not following that footy down south i dont get that one. Can you explain it to this dumbo ??
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animals before people.
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ExceedAndExcel
Champion Joined: 20 Dec 2008 Status: Offline Points: 16245 |
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Don’t feel bad AA, it might also be that the joke is quite poor. Collingwood fans = grubs, dirty, dregs of society, likely to have very few teeth. Just the most likely unfair stereotype that has been laid on them. |
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Afros
Champion Joined: 14 Jan 2009 Status: Offline Points: 15508 |
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If you follow the NRL aa, Souths fans = Collingwood fans.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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This isnt really funny, but I find it could easily apply to Australia as well. THE UMBRELLA - A TOUCHING STORY
On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters were gathered outside the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said:
"Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a naive, ignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country, and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella up your ass and open it." |
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animals before people.
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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COME ON AA - That is hardly a JOKE - but it is reality ...
... and it's our own fault if we do nothing about it ... Socialists want to re-write history and shut down anyone who wants to talk against that ... we all need to warn those who don't know what they don't know ... that's what I do, and thankfully, my kids are properly educated, and unsurprisingly, realise that the Education System that they have experienced is actually a Lefty Lunatic Asylum. They are much wiser for having heard ALL of the conversations and they make their own decisions on what is right and wrong, good or bad, on the balance of evidence, not propaganda ... now they are educating their friends ... we need to spread the words of warning - if we do nothing, we will all be wearing hejabs and learning Arabic!
French Fear the 'Arabization' of France By Teaching Arabic in SchoolsThe Education Minister, Jean-Michel Blanquer defended his proposal on one of the local TV stations saying that Arabic is “a very important language, like other great civilizational languages” including Chinese and Russia. The proposal came as a result of recently-released report by Paris’s Institut Montaigne earlier during this week. It suggested that rejuvenating Arabic-language learning in French school will be essential “since Arabic courses have become for Islamists the best means of attracting young people to their mosques and schools”. It also argued that teaching the Arabic language in schools will help in combating “Islamism” in the country. Introducing the Arabic-language in French schools was welcomed by Arab families who will not worry about children getting to learn their mother-tongue anymore.The conservative and far-right political forces on the other hand strongly criticized the government accusing it of planning to “Islamise” and “Arabize” France. The topic captured the social media attention with opinion online divided over it. Many French people seemed to be opponents of the proposal. France24 had created a poll on their Twitter account and the results were a majority opposition to adding the Arabic language to schools. https://www.albawaba.com/loop/french-fear-arabization-france-teaching-arabic-schools-1188418 |
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket." The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!' |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Margaret Thatcher said: Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason! |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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*A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods.. Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him.* *Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from* *the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.* *'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.* *'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.* *'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?'* *'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.* *'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'* *A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.* *'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'* *'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'* *'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, yeknow. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'* *'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100Euro bills I didn't even know were there!'* *'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'* *The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'* *'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'* *Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'* *'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'* *'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for * *a Catholic priest in a small parish.'* |
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "YES, I KNOW," SAID THE LADY. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I BOUGHT THIS HAT YESTERDAY!" |
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Lyle was hunting geese in the Northern Minnesota woods. He leaned his old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.
As luck would have it, his Labrador dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin. Several hours later, lying in a jDuluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven. "Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was ve y little internal bleeding, and I vas able to remove all da buckshot. "What's the bad news?", asks Lyle. "The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena . "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye. |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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I bought a new Truck. It'll run on hydrogen,
gasoline, or E85. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated. 'Nelson', the technician said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie' he continued, and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away so happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs. Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck, but luckily I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, 'You Crazy Bitch!' The radio replied, 'Hillary, Maxine, Warren, or Pelosi?' GOD, I love this truck.
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 24 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4975 |
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the |
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animals before people.
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Handsome Man applies for a Film Role
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian ." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian ! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, *Dick van Dyke * |
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maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
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Sensitive Aussie Blokes... Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife. Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me, Mongrel replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow. "She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are...' |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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The light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ...... I assumed you had stolen the car.''
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41524 |
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East . Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined . The governments don't know where to start providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops. Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies. Great Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. God Bless GREAT BRITAIN . Damn those Brits are smart! |
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animals before people.
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Vincent
Champion Joined: 17 Feb 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1414 |
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That's supposed to be funny?
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honi soit qui mal y pense
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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 52011 |
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Will be to some & not to others
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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Vincent
Champion Joined: 17 Feb 2014 Status: Offline Points: 1414 |
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Yes, more than a few would-be racists like AA would consider it absolutely hilarious.
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honi soit qui mal y pense
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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 52011 |
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C'mon we don't have to be racist to laugh at an Irish, Kiwi, Chinese, Pommy or bloody Muslim joke. The world's become far too PC for me! Whatever happened to calling a spade a spade? Yeah, I know, a few more jail sentences or fines
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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