Go to Villagebet.com.au for free horse racing tips - Click here now |
|
Jokes |
Post Reply | Page <1 3435363738 59> |
Author | |||||||||||||
Dizzy
Premium Joined: 17 Sep 2013 Location: Canberra Status: Offline Points: 16863 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
I have dogs....
|
|||||||||||||
RED HUNTER
Champion Joined: 21 Jun 2010 Location: PERTH Status: Offline Points: 16334 |
Post Options
Thanks(2)
|
||||||||||||
Najib and Mahathir went Into A Bakery on a Campaign Trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Najib steals three curry puffs and puts them in his pocket. He says to Mahathir, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't even see anything and I don't even need to lie. I will definitely win these elections." Mahathir says to Najib, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickeries and deceits. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result." Mahathir goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a curry puff and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Mahathir swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one and he eats it as well. Then Mahathir asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the three curry puffs?" Mahathir replies, "Look in Najib's pocket! |
|||||||||||||
Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
I went to a restaurant last night and my waitress had a black eye.
So when I ordered I made sure that I spoke loudly and clearly, because she obviously doesn't pay attention.
As told to me by a 20 yo bloke ... there is hope for the future macca!
|
|||||||||||||
In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
|
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
The 20 year old would love Germain Greer, who said yesterday that rape really isnt a terrible crime, and mostly its consensual sex gone wrong
|
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't
fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. |
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
Germain Greer is one of the worst comedians I've ever seen! Funnier than Samantha Bee, Kathy Griffin and anyone on SNL, granted ...
|
|||||||||||||
In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
|
|||||||||||||
maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"
|
|||||||||||||
maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
|
|||||||||||||
RED HUNTER
Champion Joined: 21 Jun 2010 Location: PERTH Status: Offline Points: 16334 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
macca....the response to me telling that joke has been overwhelmingly great...tx
|
|||||||||||||
RED HUNTER
Champion Joined: 21 Jun 2010 Location: PERTH Status: Offline Points: 16334 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
I just reversed the crunch line
to Yes I do "Well tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone"
|
|||||||||||||
Dizzy
Premium Joined: 17 Sep 2013 Location: Canberra Status: Offline Points: 16863 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: "Listen very carefully, you sweetheart, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!" |
|||||||||||||
djebel
Premium Joined: 07 Mar 2007 Status: Offline Points: 53960 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
reductio ad absurdum
|
|||||||||||||
Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
That will be me, or you, or Macca, soon, me thinks , PT ?
|
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
What do you mean soon, AA?
Already.
|
|||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
Speak for yourself then, PT. I am giving myself a bit more time yet.
|
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
Don't complain, That old bloke passed out in the boat is my son. |
|||||||||||||
maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
Why are Married Women much more FAT than Single Ladies.
The Single ones look what is in the fridge and go to bed. THE MARRIED ONES ,LOOK WHAT IS IN THE BED AND GO TO THE FRIDGE. |
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
First the Apple
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
Adam ate the apple, too!
Men will never learn!
|
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
Post Options
Thanks(1)
|
||||||||||||
I told my wife she was wasting her time buying Bra's as she had nothing to put in them.
She said , " Then why do you buy underpants ". |
|||||||||||||
maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
A smart young couple were trying to smuggle a snake and a skunk Through Customs.
He said , "This will be easy , I'll wrap the snake around my waist and they'll think it's a snake skin belt. You put the skunk in your knickers and they'll think it's body hair ". She said , " but what about the stink " He said .. " Ahh well, If it dies it dies." |
|||||||||||||
Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(1)
|
||||||||||||
I'm fine
|
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 52023 |
Post Options
Thanks(1)
|
||||||||||||
Sadly I've a feeling these are for real STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they breed, and they vote….... IDIOT SIGHTING. My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note. IDIOT SIGHTING. We had to have the garage door repaired. I live in a semi rural area. IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE. My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco. IDIOT SIGHTING. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, IDIOT SIGHTING. The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. IDIOT SIGHTING.
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car
after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. |
|||||||||||||
Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
|
|||||||||||||
maccamax
Champion Joined: 18 Jun 2010 Status: Offline Points: 41473 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at Bunnings and bought a bucket and a 4 litre tin of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane? The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot. The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the tin of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alleyway. We'll be there in no time' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alleyway you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a 4 litre tin of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint tin on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!!! |
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
The
wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if
anyone |
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
They Walk Among Us! ---------------------------- Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.' The next day someone stole it! They walk among us! ------------------------------ ------- One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone shouted..... 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?' They walk among us! ------------------------------ ---------------------------- While looking at a house, my brother asked the Real Estate agent which direction was north because He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' My brother explained that the sun rises in the east And has for some time. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......' They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------ -------------- Traffic Camera A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.. You can't fix stupid. My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------ ------ My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk. They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------ ------------------- I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... (I work with professionals like this.) They Walk Among Us! ------------------------------ ------------------ While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. They Walk Among Us! Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY: A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease. 'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?' 'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..' 'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi. Well, you might ask , 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'' Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Sadly, they walk among us!
|
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||
animals before people.
|
|||||||||||||
Post Reply | Page <1 3435363738 59> |
Tweet |
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |