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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 52012 |
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A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.
Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?" "Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R." "Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?" Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable." "That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?" "Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again." "OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?" "My dad works for Ladbrokes, miss," says little Johnny. "Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell Ladbrokes?" To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes cup cake in that book." |
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Paraprosdokians were apparently a Winston Churchill favourite, but
what the heck are they?
According
to the Macquarie Dictionary, a paraprosdokian is: a figure of speech in which the latter part of an idiom, proverb,
or well-known expression or formula of words is altered to make an unexpected
and humorous ending. Well
they were humorous enough to get Winston giggling, so they must be funny. 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my
list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear
bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad. 8. They begin the evening news with “Good Evening”, then proceed
to tell you why it isn't. 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research. 10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On
my desk is a work station. 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted
paychecks. 12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘Emergency
contact’, I put ‘doctor’. 13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman. 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 17. You do not need a parachute to skydive unless you want to do
it again. 18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with. 19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down
so they can't get away. 20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 21. You're never too old to learn something stupid. 22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call
whatever you hit the target. 23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car. 26. Where there’s a will, there are relatives. 27. If you would like to have a million dollars then start
with two million. 28. During WWII Sir
Winston Churchill address to congress began with: 29. I am supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder
and harder for me to find one now.
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animals before people.
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jayzaa
Premium Joined: 31 May 2010 Location: Avenel Vic Status: Offline Points: 2206 |
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An old gentleman is standing is standing at the gates of Heaven trying to remember his name so St. Peter can look it up in the Big Book. Peter isn’t sure what to do, so he asks Jesus for help.
Jesus says to the man, “Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory.” The old man says, “Well, I had one child, a son.” Jesus smiles, “Oh, I was an only child. Go on.” “I was… some kind of woodworker – a carpenter, perhaps,” says the man. Jesus says, “Huh, another coincidence. Can you remember anything else?” The old man shakes his head and says, “You might not believe it but my son came to life by a miracle!” Jesus’ jaw drops, he smiles and tears come to his eyes. “Father?” he asks. The old man’s eyes open wide, “Pinocchio?” |
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www.keffelstein.com
gotta live the dream |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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>>>>Subject: Home Schooling
>>>> >>>> >>>>Most of our generation of 60+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways . >>>>1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. >>>>"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished >>>>cleaning." >>>>2. My mother taught me RELIGION. >>>>"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." >>>>3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. >>>>"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle >>>>of next week!" >>>>4. My father taught me LOGIC. >>>>" Because I said so, that's why ." >>>>5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . >>>>"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going >>>>to the store with me." >>>>6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. >>>>"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." >>>>7. My father taught me IRONY. >>>>"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." >>>>8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. >>>>"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." >>>>9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. >>>>"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" >>>>10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. >>>>"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." >>>>11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. >>>>"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." >>>>12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. >>>>"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!" >>>>13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. >>>>"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..." >>>>14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . >>>>"Stop acting like your father!" >>>>15. My mother taught me about ENVY. >>>>"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who >>>>don't have wonderful parents like you do." >>>>16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. >>>>"Just wait until we get home." >>>>17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. >>>>"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!" >>>>18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. >>>>"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck >>>>that way." >>>>19. My mother taught me ESP. >>>>"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" >>>>20. My father taught me HUMOR. >>>>"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." >>>>21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. >>>>"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." >>>>22. My mother taught me GENETICS. >>>>"You're just like your father." >>>>23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. >>>>"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" >>>>24. My mother taught me WISDOM. >>>>"When you get to be my age, you'll understand. >>>>25. My father taught me about JUSTICE . >>>>"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" >>>>This should only be sent to the over 60 crowd because the younger >>>>ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our >>>>parents… >>>> > >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>>---------- >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> >>>> |
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animals before people.
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Toll Road
Champion Joined: 30 Jan 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2533 |
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Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
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Shame the gifs didn't come out on that TR
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Toll Road
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Toll Road
Champion Joined: 30 Jan 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2533 |
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The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on
where they were born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United
Nations BO.H. Team, revealing that: North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men
between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times
per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the
same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my
friends at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese. |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in
heat," agreed to look after a neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was
on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me," he replied. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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A young
man with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth &
a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local
Centrelink office to pick up his cheque.
He
marched up to the counter and said, "Hi, you know, I just HATE drawin'
welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like takin' advantage of
the system, gettin' somethin' for nothin'." You'll have
to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of
your clothes." "Because
of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort
the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will
also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her 20's and has a
strong sex drive.” The
guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullgelatitin' me?" The
social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it." |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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An
older male patient is lying in bed in hospital,
wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth. A
young student nurse appears and gives him a partial
sponge bath. "Nurse,"
he mumbles from behind the mask: "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed,
the young nurse replies, "I don't know
Sir, I'm
only here to wash your upper body and
feet." He
struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for
me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned
that he might heighten his blood pressure
and heart rate from worrying about them, she raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says: "There's
nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look magnificent." The
man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, & says very clearly: "Thank
you very much. That
was wonderful. Now listen very carefully: "Are
- My -Test - Results - Back?" |
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animals before people.
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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1.
2. 3. on fire aa!
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Whale
Champion Joined: 01 Jun 2009 Location: St Kilda Beach Status: Offline Points: 38719 |
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About 2 years ago I bought a usb stick from jb hi fi. My computer at the time was 8 years old so was thinking of gettin a new one needed to save my info.
For the life of me I could not find somewhere to fit the metal part, there is an inlet but not compatible. I left it for a while but intermiitantly came back to it and could never find a suitable port, I put it down to old computer doesn't have the facility. Anyway I still have the same computer, been playing up really badly lately so I need to finally get rid of it. Found the USB stick, marched into jb hi fi saying this cannot fit into my computer, do they come in different sizes ? Store assistant looking puzzled said no but it should fit , pulled off the cover and showed me. I did not realise there was a cover, had been trying to insert the metal handle on the other side And AA and Stayer think they are hopless, they have nothing on me |
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Toll Road
Champion Joined: 30 Jan 2013 Status: Offline Points: 2533 |
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Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It
takes less than 15 seconds.. If you are male and over 60 yrs old, you SHOULD take
this Alzheimer's Test How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the
blanks? 1. _ _NDOM 2. F_ _K 3. P_N_S 4. PU_S_ 5. S_X 6. BOO_S Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong...didn't you? The good news is: You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a pervert. |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Dont worry Whale. In spite of the blow by blow directions Gay has given, over and over, I still can not master putting pictures on here.
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animals before people.
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Whale
Champion Joined: 01 Jun 2009 Location: St Kilda Beach Status: Offline Points: 38719 |
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oneonesit
Champion Joined: 06 Aug 2012 Status: Offline Points: 37210 |
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That bird has nothing on our Acacia !
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Refer ALP Election Promises
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Oh Thank You, Oneone ! You are too kind !! She is lots younger than me, and still looks to be having problems, so thats encouraging !!
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her
physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?"
asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she
replied. "He won't even take an aspirin". "Not a problem," said the
doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?"
she asked. "It's Viagra dissolved in his morning
cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said. She called the doctor the very next
afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah,
doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world
happened?" "Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just
as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost
immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his
face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he
sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across
the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there
right on top of the table. Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an
absolute nightmare!" “Why so terrible?" asked the doctor.
"Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex
I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never
be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
. " " . |
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animals before people.
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Shammy Davis
Champion Joined: 14 Dec 2012 Status: Offline Points: 8601 |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Memories
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animals before people.
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Shammy Davis
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Thank the good Lord that the doctor didn't suggest that the Viagra be taken with food. Can you imagine the excitement that might have occurred in the local McDonalds? |
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Gay3
Moderator Group Joined: 19 Feb 2007 Location: Miners Rest Status: Offline Points: 52012 |
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Little Sam asked his dad for a bike for his b'day. He said "No son, the
mortgage is 80k and ur mummy has just lost her job"
Next day Sam walked out, with his suitcase packed. His dad, asked "Where are you goin son?".. Sam replied, "I walked past ur bedroom lastnight and heard u say to mum, that your pullin out, she said to wait cos she was comin too, and i'm not staying here on my own with a 80k mortgage, and no bike..!! |
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Wisdom has been chasing me but I've always outrun it!
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Whale
Champion Joined: 01 Jun 2009 Location: St Kilda Beach Status: Offline Points: 38719 |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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The phone rings and the lady of the house
answers,
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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[/ QUOTE]
LOL at you whale. you are not that dumb. and I know it
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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A young Arab asks his father, "What
is that weird hat you are wearing?"
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Life is not
the way it's supposed to be - it's the way it is.
The way you
cope with it is what makes the difference.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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Oh bugga ,,,,that didnt come out right . Sorry.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41536 |
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animals before people.
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