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acacia alba View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Jokes
    Posted: 28 Feb 2024 at 10:35pm
Wish I knew how to get thet gizmo on the top of the E.  Tried to tell Slowdown I liked that name ,,,,Wink
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sister Dot Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Feb 2024 at 8:41pm
AA! You’re quite Risqué LOL
“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Feb 2024 at 11:17pm

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. 

 

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’

 

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.”

 

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

 

..."What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?”

 

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!”

 

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.”

 

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?”

 

"I switched cocks," he replied.

 

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Feb 2024 at 10:21pm

We decided to go on an organised trip to Egypt, to see what the place is really like.

 

 

It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station.

 

 

We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.

 

 

The train, and surrounding streets, were full of Muslims; angry, bearded types glared at us!

 

 

The wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress; all the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burqas.                        

 

 

We were scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.                        

 

 

Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey to Sydney Airport.

 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Feb 2024 at 10:04pm
A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.  

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.  As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"  

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to gelati ya self when I tell you the price."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jan 2024 at 8:59pm
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 milion years despite not having a brain, gives hope to many people. 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jujuno Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jan 2024 at 12:01pm
Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jujuno Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Jan 2024 at 11:59am
Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jan 2024 at 12:43pm
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.


One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'


The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’


One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'


Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.


The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.


Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.


Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'


Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'


Slapping their knees, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....


'We were at your birthday party yesterday

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jan 2024 at 10:32pm
Shoutout to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday.  You are my people.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Jan 2024 at 10:31pm
I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.  Now there’s no jobs,  no cash, and no hope.  Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Dec 2023 at 12:44pm

Subject: British Medical Journal

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical
Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being
met by your wife with a broom,
and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling
of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the
“Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Dec 2023 at 11:22pm
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Dec 2023 at 11:20pm
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (3) Thanks(3)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Dec 2023 at 10:01pm
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.”
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”
“I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 Dec 2023 at 10:33pm

A new woman joins a Golf Club.  When she hears some of the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team.  I was pretty good.  Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.  Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."  He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says "This may be a problem", & asks "Could I be up to 15 minutes late?"

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay
."  She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, & beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.  She's fun and pleasant, & the guys are impressed.  They congratulate her & invite her back the next week.  She smiles, & says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.  Only this time, she plays left-handed.  The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.  They're totally amazed.  They can't figure her out.  She's very pleasant & a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.  This week she plays right-handed, & narrowly beats all three of them.  The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.  However, she's so charming & complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle, & no one can figure her out.  They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, & finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, & grins.  "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous," she replies.  "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.  Right before I leave in the morning for a golf game, I pull the covers off him.  If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.  Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Nov 2023 at 2:23pm
Did you ever stop and wonder.......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'


Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'


Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs
!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Nov 2023 at 2:22pm
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?


Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


What is the speed of darkness?


Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?


If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?


Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PhillipC Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Nov 2023 at 7:33pm
ROFL :-)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 Nov 2023 at 8:44pm
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and
under the table cloth, but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
totally out of sight under the tablecloth.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might
offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying
to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't..........
she just walked in."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Oct 2023 at 11:53pm
Irish Blonde...

 

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrivedat the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice

 

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."  with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

 

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down  and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

 

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"  The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 

MORAL OF THE STORY

 

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,

..... but all men...are men!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Oct 2023 at 11:52pm

Global Facts About Sex

 

At any given moment:

 

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

 

You hang in there, sunshine
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote mc41 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2023 at 3:45pm
Long time between drinks 

A Trump supporter was seated next to an older woman on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The old woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, 

“What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh,  I don’t know,” said the man. “How about how they stole the election in 2020 and Donald Trump should be president.” 

“Okay,”  she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a  question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff –  grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat  patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The man, visibly surprised by the old woman’s, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To  which the old woman replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss politics,  when you don’t know gelati?”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote stayer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Sep 2023 at 3:06pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Sep 2023 at 3:04pm
A Little Girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The Teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
Human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
Very small. The Little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

Irritated, The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it
Was physically impossible.

The Little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The Teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The Little girl replied, 'Then you ask him

 
 
A Kindergarten Teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were Drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's
Work.

As She got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
What the drawing was.

The Girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The Teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without Missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
'They will in a minute.'

 

 

    


 






 


 

 


  


 



 

 


 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Sep 2023 at 2:59pm
Knowing Stayer is a teacher I have a couple for him
The Children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
Persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  'Just
Think how nice it will be to  look at it when you are all grown
Up and say, 'There's  Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael, He's a  doctor.'

A Small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the
Teacher, she's dead. 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Sep 2023 at 10:25pm
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his  eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey?  Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"   The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.  I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."   The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"   He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”

 

Now, that's a businessman!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (1) Thanks(1)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Sep 2023 at 9:31pm
I may have posted this before but not going back pages and pages looking.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
 
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness: now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
 
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap: it's roughly $1,000 an inch."
 
The man perks up.
 
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out; if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
 
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
 
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
 
"Yes I have," says the man.
 
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
 
"Yes" says the man.
 
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
 
"We're getting granite kitchen benchtops."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote acacia alba Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Aug 2023 at 9:43pm

 I  bought a NEW Truck a couple of months ago, but took it back to the dealer the next day because I couldn’t get the radio to work. 

The technician kindly explained to me that this was a “SMART TRUCK” and the radio was “VOICE-ACTIVATED”. 

He turned the radio on and said, “Nelson” to the radio. 

The radio replied, “Ricky or Willy?” “Willy” he continued and ‘On the road again’ came on the speakers. 

Then he said “AC/DC”, and in an instant, ‘Highway to hell’ took the place of Willy Nelson. 

I drove away happy and for the next few days every time I said “Beethoven” 

I would get beautiful classical music or if I said “Beatles” I would get one of their greatest hits. 
Well, yesterday, a fella ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck but luckily I swerved in time to avoid it. 

I yelled out “YOU f**king STUPID IDIOT!” 

And the radio said, “Daniel Andrews or Anthony Albanese?” 

I love my new truck!

 

animals before people.
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