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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Posted: 28 Feb 2024 at 10:35pm |
Wish I knew how to get thet gizmo on the top of the E. Tried to tell Slowdown I liked that name ,,,,
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 25 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4878 |
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AA! You’re quite Risqué
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.”
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
..."What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?”
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!”
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.”
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?”
"I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence! |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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We decided to go on an organised trip to Egypt, to see what the place is really like.
It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station.
We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.
The train, and surrounding streets, were full of Muslims; angry, bearded types glared at us!
The wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress; all the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burqas.
We were scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey to Sydney Airport. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to gelati ya self when I tell you the price." |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 milion years despite not having a brain, gives hope to many people. |
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animals before people.
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Online Points: 36064 |
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Online Points: 36064 |
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....
'We were at your birthday party yesterday
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Shoutout
to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but
can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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I
grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now there’s no
jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin
Bacon.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Subject: British Medical Journal There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Students
in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last
question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was
worth 70 points
or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages
He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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An
elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder
on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the
ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21
great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE
where the crematorium used to be.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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A farmer decided he wanted to go to town
and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s
that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.” “I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.” The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. “Marge,” whispered Mildred. “What?” said Marge. “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.” “What makes you think so?” asked Marge. “He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred. “Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.” “I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!” |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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A new woman joins a Golf Club. When she hears some of the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says "This may be a problem", & asks "Could I be up to 15 minutes late?"
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.' Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs ! |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? What is the speed of darkness? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? |
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animals before people.
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PhillipC
Champion Joined: 03 Jan 2014 Location: Warragul Status: Offline Points: 685 |
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ROFL :-)
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth, but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't.......... she just walked in." |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Irish Blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrivedat the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men! |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now. FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old person is reading emails. You hang in there, sunshine |
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animals before people.
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mc41
Champion Joined: 20 Feb 2007 Location: Goldcoast Au Status: Offline Points: 4918 |
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Long time between drinks
A Trump supporter was seated next to an older woman on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The old woman, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the man. “How about how they stole the election in 2020 and Donald Trump should be president.” “Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” The man, visibly surprised by the old woman’s, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the old woman replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss politics, when you don’t know gelati?” X
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stayer
Champion Joined: 10 Aug 2010 Status: Offline Points: 21888 |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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A
Little Girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The Teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a Human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was Very small. The Little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it Was physically impossible. The Little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The Teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The Little girl replied, 'Then you ask him A Kindergarten Teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were Drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's Work. As She got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked What the drawing was. The Girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The Teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without Missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
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animals before people.
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stayer
Champion Joined: 10 Aug 2010 Status: Offline Points: 21888 |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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Knowing Stayer is a teacher I have a couple for him The Children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
Persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just
Think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown Up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A Small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the Teacher, she's dead. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and
lay on the back seat. The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with
you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" The
old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper." The
woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?" He
paused a moment, then told her, "Vell..... M'am, I am looking and I am
looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?”
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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I may have posted this before but not going back pages and pages looking. A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness: now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap: it's roughly $1,000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out; if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor "We're getting granite kitchen benchtops." |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 31 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Online Points: 41241 |
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I bought a NEW Truck a couple of months ago, but took it back to the dealer the next day because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The technician kindly explained to me that this was a “SMART TRUCK” and the radio was “VOICE-ACTIVATED”. He turned the radio on and said, “Nelson” to the radio. The radio replied, “Ricky or Willy?” “Willy” he continued and ‘On the road again’ came on the speakers. Then he said “AC/DC”, and in an instant, ‘Highway to hell’ took the place of Willy Nelson. I drove away happy and for the next few days every time I said “Beethoven” I would get beautiful classical music or if I said “Beatles” I would get one of their greatest hits. I yelled out “YOU f**king STUPID IDIOT!” And the radio said, “Daniel Andrews or Anthony Albanese?” I love my new truck!
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animals before people.
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