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Jokes |
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Posted: 22 Apr 2024 at 12:53am |
Its called Oldtimers , JJ. In hindsite, the same friend sent it to me,,,,,again. So we are both suffering. |
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animals before people.
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36545 |
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You put that one up before...
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.' |
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animals before people.
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36545 |
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36545 |
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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Carioca
Champion Joined: 13 Nov 2015 Status: Offline Points: 21836 |
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Ah , you make my day AA 😂😂🌻 , better than my first cuppa ! 👍
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?" THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO." A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET. THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON. THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO. THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US: 1 - Never be arrogant. 2 - Don't waste ammunition. 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4 - Always make sure you know who has the power. 5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Albo was asleep in his house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost.
He asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?" Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did." Albo went back to sleep, this time he woke to an image of John Howard at the end of his bed He asked, “John, how can I make this country better? John said, "Be honest with the people like I was." Again, Albo fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked, "Harold, how can I make this country better? Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!" |
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animals before people.
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36545 |
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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ear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children,
I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?" |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby ... Who shall I say is calling?" |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand." |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Wish I knew how to get thet gizmo on the top of the E. Tried to tell Slowdown I liked that name ,,,,
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animals before people.
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Sister Dot
Premium Joined: 24 Nov 2009 Status: Offline Points: 4976 |
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AA! You’re quite Risqué
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“Where in this wide world can man find nobility without pride, friendship without envy, or beauty without vanity? Here where grace is laced with muscle and strength by gentleness confined”
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.”
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
..."What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?”
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!”
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.”
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?”
"I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence! |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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We decided to go on an organised trip to Egypt, to see what the place is really like.
It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station.
We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us spoke any English.
The train, and surrounding streets, were full of Muslims; angry, bearded types glared at us!
The wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress; all the local women were draped in black, head to toe, burqas.
We were scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and round the corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our journey to Sydney Airport. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to gelati ya self when I tell you the price." |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 milion years despite not having a brain, gives hope to many people. |
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animals before people.
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36545 |
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Offline Points: 36545 |
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Thanks(0)
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, 'You're 87-years-old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess my age?'
Slapping their knees, high-fiving, and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed.....
'We were at your birthday party yesterday
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Shoutout
to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but
can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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I
grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now there’s no
jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin
Bacon.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Subject: British Medical Journal There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Students
in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last
question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was
worth 70 points
or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages
He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+. |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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An
elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female
neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to
sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder
on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the
ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21
great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE
where the crematorium used to be.
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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A farmer decided he wanted to go to town
and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s
that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.” “I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.” The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. “Marge,” whispered Mildred. “What?” said Marge. “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.” “What makes you think so?” asked Marge. “He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred. “Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.” “I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!” |
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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A new woman joins a Golf Club. When she hears some of the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says "This may be a problem", & asks "Could I be up to 15 minutes late?"
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animals before people.
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acacia alba
Champion Joined: 30 Oct 2010 Location: Hunter Valley Status: Offline Points: 41547 |
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Did you ever stop and wonder.......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?' Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.' Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs ! |
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animals before people.
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