Refusing to buy into western 2020 New Year’s hype, Islamic State leaders point out that under the Muslim calendar system it’s actually 1442. Which, coming from them, might explain a few things.

An enormous smoke cloud above the SCG raises concerns over bushfire haze interrupting the Third Test, but the formation is soon traced to Shane Warne sparking up a few durries behind the Member’s Stand.

FEBRUARY

Organisers of the 200 Tons of Tablets festival insist the event has nothing to do with drugs and is purely musical in nature, despite not booking any bands, hiring any sound equipment or even assembling a stage.

Former rugby union star Israel Folau claims vindication after all participants and spectators at this year’s Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras are struck down by bolts of lightning.

Stung by ongoing criticism, Prime Minister Scott Morrison announces he will never again holiday outside Australian territory.

It later emerges that the PM has arranged with Donald Trump to trade Hawaii for South Australia, which the President vows will be “maintained with due deference and care” under US rule.

MARCH

Due to a staffer’s error, Anthony Albanese accidentally delivers a rousing defence of coal mining to an audience in Greens-friendly Northcote, Victoria, and then condemns coal mining in a speech to northern Queensland CFMMEU members.

The Labor leader is pelted with artisanal sourdough rolls at the former venue and mysteriously disappears following his Queensland engagement.

Australia’s first case of woke overdose occurs in Newtown, Sydney, where a young trans activist is admitted to hospital after flicking through an Arabic edition of Gillian Triggs’s autobiography during the Greens-hosted launch of an indigenous vegan cookbook at a carbon-neutral fair trade coffee shop. Their condition is listed as critical but stupid.

APRIL

The Australian Republican Movement is $3.50 wealthier after chairman Peter FitzSimons auctions his famous red bandana. An earlier bid of $700 was withdrawn after organisers pointed out the sale’s inclusion of three autographed FitzSimons history books.

Ita Buttrose announces the discovery of an ABC staff member who votes Liberal. “Roll up, roll up!” the ABC boss tells a press conference, where a $5 admission fee is charged. “See the amazing ABC conservative! Observe his unusual ways! Marvel at a true freak of nature!”

The staffer, a 45-year-old sound recordist, is then sent on tour with other media oddities including An SBS Presenter Whose Name You Can Pronounce and That Breakfast Show Host Who Might Almost Be Worth Her Salary.

MAY

An entire Aldi supermarket filled with cash is discovered hidden inside NSW Labor’s Sussex St headquarters. “Maybe it was a gift,” newly-imposed party secretary Xi Jinping tells ICAC investigators.

Daily Telegraph columnist Tim Blair seeks shelter in a steel-fortified bunker 100 metres below the earth’s surface after Israel Folau tells his local church: “Drunks, fornicators and atheists are next.”

After stumbling upon a Dave Chappelle show online, feminist Clementine Ford presents at a medical centre with symptoms including watering eyes, shortness of breath and peculiar rhythmical vocalisations arising involuntarily from her thoracic cavity.

Ford is diagnosed with laughter and put on a course of Hannah Gadsby.

JUNE

Asked if he knows anything about missing Labor leader Anthony Albanese, a Queensland CFMMEU official offers no comment while lifting a blanket-wrapped 85-kilogram wriggling mass on to the tray of his HiLux.

US President Donald Trump opens El Vulgo Spectacularo, the world’s only nuclear-powered, neon-lit, velour-carpeted 65,000-hole golf course, formerly known as South Australia.

JULY

The Olympic flame remains lit in Tokyo for only 17 seconds before it is extinguished by anti-global warming activist Greta Thunberg, who arrived in Japan aboard a minke whale. Japanese authorities describe the creature as “succulent”.

Former Prime Ministers Malcolm Turnbull and Kevin Rudd join forces to form the Minority Elected, Maximum Elite, Minimum Emissions, Millionaire Enabling Modern Empire party.

The new party’s slogan, It’s All About MEMEMEMEME, does not test well with focus groups.

Hillary Clinton’s trial for the murder of Jeffrey Epstein is abandoned after the judge, prosecuting lawyers and all jury members shoot themselves. In the back of the head. With a sniper rifle. From a building opposite the courthouse. “America’s nightmare is over,” Clinton tells a press conference.

AUGUST

Japanese security footage depicts an elderly caucasian woman, apparently wearing a 60s-era swimsuit and four Olympic gold medals, stealing a flag from outside Tokyo’s Imperial Palace.

Cold Chisel frontman Jimmy Barnes is subsequently surprised to receive a large shipment of hand-cut rising sun headscarves, each bearing the words: “Love, Dawn.”

“Don’t interrupt us during a concrete pour!” a CFMMEU construction worker snaps at reporters investigating the disappearance of Labor leader Anthony Albanese, before resuming work on a half-filled section of floor measuring roughly 1.78m long by 60cm wide.

With fingers sticking out of it.

SEPTEMBER

All 101,935 spectators walk out of the AFL Grand Final following a pre-game Welcome to Country ceremony. “Apparently we’re on Wurundjeri territory,” explains one shocked fan. “This changes everything.” The shamed spectators hastily sell their properties then flee overseas to wherever their ancestors came from.

Claiming to provide a “more personal, intimate and spiritual” experience than is provided by hospitals, an enterprising Sydney family planning clinic now offers home abortions.

Ahead of next month’s state election, Queensland Labor premier Annastacia Palaszczuk orders the closure of borders to prevent Bob Brown repeating 2019’s vote-losing climate convoy. As a further precaution, local Greens are interned until voting concludes on October 31.

OCTOBER

Drama at the Bathurst 1000, where Extinction Rebellion protester Gurf Trellis glues himself to the rear wing of Will Davison’s race-winning Ford Mustang during a pit stop.

Track officials subsequently collect Mr Trellis from McPhillamy Park, Skyline, the Esses and two locations either side of Forrest’s Elbow.

Greens senator Sarah Hanson-Young demands Australia urgently invest in a “100 per cent natural, easily obtained, almost magical” new energy source. “This miracle substance, known to scientists as C137H9709NS, has the potential to revolutionise industry worldwide,” Hanson tells the Senate. “Millions, perhaps billions, will be liberated from poverty.”

The senator quickly resumes her seat, however, after an aide tells her she’s talking about the chemical formula for coal.

NOVEMBER

A defeated and confused Joe Biden “concedes victory” during a rambling 25-minute post-election speech which references three pre-war brands of breakfast cereal. President Donald Trump’s 50-state clean sweep is denounced by the New York Times as “deeply divisive”.

Counselling centres across NSW deal with hundreds of depressed arsonists after last summer’s huge bushfires leaves them with nothing to burn.

DECEMBER

Greta Thunberg’s teenage wild phase finally kicks in just days prior to her 18th birthday. Swaying unsteadily, the climate activist shouts slurred obscenities from a window of her Stockholm house before retreating to her bedroom with a carton of cigarettes and playing the Ramones all night.

Albo is alive! A gaunt and dishevelled Labor leader enthrals reporters as he tells of his daring Queensland escape and long inland trek to Sydney.

Albanese is then forced into hiding after Aboriginal historian Bruce Pascoe reviews the member for Grayndler’s claimed route, discovers he has trespassed on land sacred to the Aorta people and orders Albanese to be speared.

https://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/opinion/its-a-big-2020-vision-according-to-prophet-tim/news-story/95c5dbc99fb9f68221f737e39f2b4cbd?fbclid=IwAR1UJ9KojFu-ChsmygTx7WKh9mbeVdIcJGTY7bJgEK-5BsiVNghn70vCGgA