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Predictions for 2020 |
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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Posted: 31 Dec 2019 at 11:09pm |
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I didn't know where to put this, so I started a new thread.
This is the funniest thing I have seen this year ... nay, this DECADE! Tim Blair is a quiet Australian, a caring conservative and as funny as fcuk!!! One of my favourites - he was thinking of you PT ... NOVEMBER - A defeated and confused Joe Biden “concedes victory” during a rambling 25-minute post-election speech which references three pre-war brands of breakfast cereal. President Donald Trump’s 50-state clean sweep is denounced by the New York Times as “deeply divisive”. I don't care what gender you identify as, if you don't get a laugh out of this you are a Greens Senator ... so Sit back, Strap in, Enjoy - My Gift to You!!! It’s a big 2020 vision, according to Prophet Tim BlairRefusing to buy into western 2020 New Year’s hype, Islamic State leaders point out that under the Muslim calendar system it’s actually 1442. Which, coming from them, might explain a few things. An enormous smoke cloud above the SCG raises concerns over bushfire haze interrupting the Third Test, but the formation is soon traced to Shane Warne sparking up a few durries behind the Member’s Stand. Organisers of the 200 Tons of Tablets festival insist the event has nothing to do with drugs and is purely musical in nature, despite not booking any bands, hiring any sound equipment or even assembling a stage. Former rugby union star Israel Folau claims vindication after all participants and spectators at this year’s Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras are struck down by bolts of lightning. Stung by ongoing criticism, Prime Minister Scott Morrison announces he will never again holiday outside Australian territory. It later emerges that the PM has arranged with Donald Trump to trade Hawaii for South Australia, which the President vows will be “maintained with due deference and care” under US rule. Due to a staffer’s error, Anthony Albanese accidentally delivers a rousing defence of coal mining to an audience in Greens-friendly Northcote, Victoria, and then condemns coal mining in a speech to northern Queensland CFMMEU members. The Labor leader is pelted with artisanal sourdough rolls at the former venue and mysteriously disappears following his Queensland engagement. Australia’s first case of woke overdose occurs in Newtown, Sydney, where a young trans activist is admitted to hospital after flicking through an Arabic edition of Gillian Triggs’s autobiography during the Greens-hosted launch of an indigenous vegan cookbook at a carbon-neutral fair trade coffee shop. Their condition is listed as critical but stupid. The Australian Republican Movement is $3.50 wealthier after chairman Peter FitzSimons auctions his famous red bandana. An earlier bid of $700 was withdrawn after organisers pointed out the sale’s inclusion of three autographed FitzSimons history books. Ita Buttrose announces the discovery of an ABC staff member who votes Liberal. “Roll up, roll up!” the ABC boss tells a press conference, where a $5 admission fee is charged. “See the amazing ABC conservative! Observe his unusual ways! Marvel at a true freak of nature!” The staffer, a 45-year-old sound recordist, is then sent on tour with other media oddities including An SBS Presenter Whose Name You Can Pronounce and That Breakfast Show Host Who Might Almost Be Worth Her Salary. An entire Aldi supermarket filled with cash is discovered hidden inside NSW Labor’s Sussex St headquarters. “Maybe it was a gift,” newly-imposed party secretary Xi Jinping tells ICAC investigators. Daily Telegraph columnist Tim Blair seeks shelter in a steel-fortified bunker 100 metres below the earth’s surface after Israel Folau tells his local church: “Drunks, fornicators and atheists are next.” After stumbling upon a Dave Chappelle show online, feminist Clementine Ford presents at a medical centre with symptoms including watering eyes, shortness of breath and peculiar rhythmical vocalisations arising involuntarily from her thoracic cavity. Ford is diagnosed with laughter and put on a course of Hannah Gadsby. Asked if he knows anything about missing Labor leader Anthony Albanese, a Queensland CFMMEU official offers no comment while lifting a blanket-wrapped 85-kilogram wriggling mass on to the tray of his HiLux. US President Donald Trump opens El Vulgo Spectacularo, the world’s only nuclear-powered, neon-lit, velour-carpeted 65,000-hole golf course, formerly known as South Australia. The Olympic flame remains lit in Tokyo for only 17 seconds before it is extinguished by anti-global warming activist Greta Thunberg, who arrived in Japan aboard a minke whale. Japanese authorities describe the creature as “succulent”. Former Prime Ministers Malcolm Turnbull and Kevin Rudd join forces to form the Minority Elected, Maximum Elite, Minimum Emissions, Millionaire Enabling Modern Empire party. The new party’s slogan, It’s All About MEMEMEMEME, does not test well with focus groups. Hillary Clinton’s trial for the murder of Jeffrey Epstein is abandoned after the judge, prosecuting lawyers and all jury members shoot themselves. In the back of the head. With a sniper rifle. From a building opposite the courthouse. “America’s nightmare is over,” Clinton tells a press conference. Japanese security footage depicts an elderly caucasian woman, apparently wearing a 60s-era swimsuit and four Olympic gold medals, stealing a flag from outside Tokyo’s Imperial Palace. Cold Chisel frontman Jimmy Barnes is subsequently surprised to receive a large shipment of hand-cut rising sun headscarves, each bearing the words: “Love, Dawn.” “Don’t interrupt us during a concrete pour!” a CFMMEU construction worker snaps at reporters investigating the disappearance of Labor leader Anthony Albanese, before resuming work on a half-filled section of floor measuring roughly 1.78m long by 60cm wide. With fingers sticking out of it. All 101,935 spectators walk out of the AFL Grand Final following a pre-game Welcome to Country ceremony. “Apparently we’re on Wurundjeri territory,” explains one shocked fan. “This changes everything.” The shamed spectators hastily sell their properties then flee overseas to wherever their ancestors came from. Claiming to provide a “more personal, intimate and spiritual” experience than is provided by hospitals, an enterprising Sydney family planning clinic now offers home abortions. Ahead of next month’s state election, Queensland Labor premier Annastacia Palaszczuk orders the closure of borders to prevent Bob Brown repeating 2019’s vote-losing climate convoy. As a further precaution, local Greens are interned until voting concludes on October 31. Drama at the Bathurst 1000, where Extinction Rebellion protester Gurf Trellis glues himself to the rear wing of Will Davison’s race-winning Ford Mustang during a pit stop. Track officials subsequently collect Mr Trellis from McPhillamy Park, Skyline, the Esses and two locations either side of Forrest’s Elbow. Greens senator Sarah Hanson-Young demands Australia urgently invest in a “100 per cent natural, easily obtained, almost magical” new energy source. “This miracle substance, known to scientists as C137H9709NS, has the potential to revolutionise industry worldwide,” Hanson tells the Senate. “Millions, perhaps billions, will be liberated from poverty.” The senator quickly resumes her seat, however, after an aide tells her she’s talking about the chemical formula for coal. A defeated and confused Joe Biden “concedes victory” during a rambling 25-minute post-election speech which references three pre-war brands of breakfast cereal. President Donald Trump’s 50-state clean sweep is denounced by the New York Times as “deeply divisive”. Counselling centres across NSW deal with hundreds of depressed arsonists after last summer’s huge bushfires leaves them with nothing to burn. Greta Thunberg’s teenage wild phase finally kicks in just days prior to her 18th birthday. Swaying unsteadily, the climate activist shouts slurred obscenities from a window of her Stockholm house before retreating to her bedroom with a carton of cigarettes and playing the Ramones all night. Albo is alive! A gaunt and dishevelled Labor leader enthrals reporters as he tells of his daring Queensland escape and long inland trek to Sydney. Albanese is then forced into hiding after Aboriginal historian Bruce Pascoe reviews the member for Grayndler’s claimed route, discovers he has trespassed on land sacred to the Aorta people and orders Albanese to be speared. |
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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stayer
Champion Joined: 10 Aug 2010 Status: Offline Points: 21914 |
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The Greta ones had me laughing out loud.
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SkyDancer
Champion Joined: 02 Aug 2014 Location: Cranbourne Status: Offline Points: 8429 |
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Very good |
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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I love the references to Albo, particularly the "staffer’s error", and also to Clementine "Ford is diagnosed with laughter and put on a course of Hannah Gadsby."
... that would cure ANYONE of laughter, I don't care what gender you identify as!
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Whale
Champion Joined: 01 Jun 2009 Location: St Kilda Beach Status: Offline Points: 38719 |
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Stayer likes it
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Baghdad Bob
Champion Joined: 10 Feb 2010 Location: Victoria Status: Offline Points: 13695 |
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Brilliant
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stayer
Champion Joined: 10 Aug 2010 Status: Offline Points: 21914 |
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Go on Whale, give us some of your own.
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Baghdad Bob
Champion Joined: 10 Feb 2010 Location: Victoria Status: Offline Points: 13695 |
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Likewise, SC.
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Whale
Champion Joined: 01 Jun 2009 Location: St Kilda Beach Status: Offline Points: 38719 |
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Somewhat clever, well smarter than Bolt not at all funny, behind the words you can sense a right wing extremist bitterly venting , sad ideologue
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ExceedAndExcel
Champion Joined: 20 Dec 2008 Status: Offline Points: 16245 |
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The OP is funny on multiple levels, obviously the copy and pasted content but also the fact that it was delivered to us only a few minutes after midnight on 1 January. Must have been a ripping New Years celebration to be logging on to TBV.
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Whale
Champion Joined: 01 Jun 2009 Location: St Kilda Beach Status: Offline Points: 38719 |
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1. Macca's family will finally get sick of waiting for their inheritance and put his pillow to good use. 2. Stayer will be arrested for kiddy fiddling and put in a cell with George Pell 3. Doc's big mouth will finally prove his undoing, an enraged customer at his falafel stand will beat him to a pulp, leaving him in a vegetative state , only able to utter RRREEEEEEE 4.Baghdad Bob wiill take up pumping iron, discover steroids and double his weight to 100 kg. Unfortunately in the process his already ting balls will shrink even more, to Macca's size. 5> oneonesit will finally strike the jackpot at the club pokies and will be able to move out of his Housing Commission flat. 6. On one of his numerous flights E + E will be mistaken for a terrorist and spend the next 10 years in prison, making numerous pleas to PM Albo to get him out. 7. Marble will be awarded and honorary doctorate in recognition of her brillant refutal and patience in explaing things to Doc 8. PT will be recognised as a visionary when all his predictions about the orange mobster come to pass. 9. Whale will have a brilliant, exciting, financially lucrative year, as usual 10. Take2 will actually have a winning day at a venue somewhere in Australia 11. SC will win Tassie tipping , finally 12 .Kirk Douglas will die
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stayer
Champion Joined: 10 Aug 2010 Status: Offline Points: 21914 |
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The REEE line's not bad. And the visionary.
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Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
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Kirk Douglas wont die.
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oneonesit
Champion Joined: 06 Aug 2012 Status: Offline Points: 37210 |
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C'mon Whale - who did you steal those lines off ? Obviously not your own work - too clever for a thick head like you.
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Refer ALP Election Promises
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SkyDancer
Champion Joined: 02 Aug 2014 Location: Cranbourne Status: Offline Points: 8429 |
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I thought Kirk died years ago
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Passing Through
Champion Joined: 09 Jan 2013 Location: At home Status: Offline Points: 79532 |
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See Dead Pool thread.
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marble
Champion Joined: 12 Jan 2008 Location: Brisbane Status: Offline Points: 6243 |
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pretty good whale but i think I'll pass on the sex change op - I'm a bloke!
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Afros
Champion Joined: 14 Jan 2009 Status: Offline Points: 15517 |
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I like how they threw the joke about Scomo and holidays in, rightards think that makes it a balanced article. |
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Whale
Champion Joined: 01 Jun 2009 Location: St Kilda Beach Status: Offline Points: 38719 |
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Online Points: 36531 |
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Whale's was far funnier than the original post. The only amusing part of the Doc's entry was Albo's clever disappearance and eventual revival...
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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jujuno
Champion Joined: 25 Jan 2010 Location: Coasting Status: Online Points: 36531 |
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Albo is on tv at the moment...looking as though he's turned grey overnight...or his make-up lady has bolted...
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Desert War, Rain Lover, Latin Knight, Hay List, Mustard...my turf heroes...
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Afros
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To be fair jj, this was just a typical news ltd thinly veiled attack on the left rather than a genuine satirical article.
News Ltd is the reason rightards consider betoota advocate 'leftist'. |
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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Now THAT'S funny!
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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It's not meant to be a balanced article - just funny - mission accomplished! All you hateful humorless leftards going "RRRRREEEEEEEE!!!" about it is just a bonus!
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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Hey Whale, great post, quite funny!
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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Feel free to add more predictions ... don't leave all the heavy lifting to Whale!
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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Hey Whale, numbers 7, 8, and 9 would all seem equally accurate ...
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Afros
Champion Joined: 14 Jan 2009 Status: Offline Points: 15517 |
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You really are a strange little man. |
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Dr E
Champion Joined: 05 Feb 2013 Location: Australia Status: Offline Points: 28563 |
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oh? ... how would you go about quantifying that insightful statement, and please include context.
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In reference to every post in the Trump thread ... "There may have been a tiny bit of license taken there" ... Ok, Thanks for the "heads up" PT!
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Afros
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The evidence is littered throughout Joffs and also in the Racing forum back when you contained your rantings to Gai Waterhouse.
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